Amish Acres Memories - My Past is Vanishing

The decade started and ended with the closings theaters I worked at. January 2010 saw the closing of The Carousel Dinner Theatre in Akron, Ohio and January 2020 saw the closing of Amish Acres. As I get older the places I worked close (The Sears, Kmart, and Gap stores I worked at are gone. Filene's and Carl's went out of business. Moody's Investors Service and the NFL in NYC have moved to new locations) The people I worked for pass away or retire. Pretty soon I'll have no history! I'm old!!!

Amish Acres. Some interesting stories.
1) I wasn't planning to audition for them. I went to an audition for Seymour in Little Shop for a dinner theatre in New Jersey at the Musical Theatre Works studios on Lafayette in the Village right across from the Public Theatre. They had three floors of studios. I ran into an acquaintance (I don't remember his name other than he was the boyfriend of Gabrielle Mason and I sublet their apartment on West 95th Street for a couple of months). He was also auditioning for Little Shop and told me that one floor up they were having auditions for the season at a place called Amish Acres.
So I went upstairs and signed up, looked at their brochures, (looked like a nice place), sang for them and got a callback for later that afternoon. I called in to my job at Moody's Investors Service and told them I would not be coming that day.
I went back later that afternoon and was given sides to read for the part of Dan King in Plain and Fancy. Jerry O'Boyle the artistic director said he was looking for a Dick Van Dyke type of vibe for the scene. And then he said something like, "Richard Van Slyke, Dick Van Dyke. I just got that!"  I was told they would be making calls in a couple of weeks. A month went by nothing happened. I had written it off.

2) I thought my casting might be an April Fools joke. Monday April 1, I'm sitting at my desk at Moody's Investor's Service and I get a call from my answering service (or it may have been voicemail by then. This was 1996). An actor had quit and they needed a replacement for the role of Dan King. It would mean flying out to South Bend on Sunday and starting rehearsals on Monday the 8th.

I would be playing Dan King in Plain and Fancy, Ike Skidmore in Oklahoma!, The Rabbi's son in Fiddler, the brothers parts in Joseph would be decided at a later date, and I wasn't sure I wanted to stay beyond October to do Annie, but he was thinking maybe Daddy Warbucks.

I packed up over the next few days. Sunday the 7 was also Easter and the start of Daylight Savings and there was a one hour time difference from NY. All those combined, lets just say I got about two hours of sleep. And with no one to sublet my apartment, I was scared I wouldn't be able to get by financially. But off I went.

I flew to South Bend where I was picked up buy the company manager, Sara Heigaard, who also played my leading lady Ruth in Plain and Fancy. Then, we had a 45 minute drive to Nappanee where I would be spending the next six possibly 9 months.

Amish Acres sits about 1 mile west of Nappanee, a small town population @6600. One grocery store, one co-op, one movie theatre with one screen that only showed movies on Friday and Saturday nights. Restaurants included, McDonalds, Burger King, Subway, Dairy Queen, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. There was also a Chinese buffet place, a pizza place (that closed and re-opened as something else), a country kitchen, a sports pub, a bakery café only open days, a tavern. Then there was the Restaurant Barn on the property where we got one meal a day in the kitchen if we chose.

There wasn't much to do there and for an actor flown in from NYC with no car, not fun. There were three of us hired from NYC, Gene Westbrook, Cece Pleasants and myself. Most everyone else in the cast house came from Chicago, AJ Wester, Derek Phipps, Cindy Lawrence, Joe Lehman, Robert Geils. Sara was from North Dakota.  Nine of us living in an old farm house on the Amish Acres property. And two local hires who commuted daily, Jenny Yoder and Doug Yockey. The Chicago People all came with their own cars so we had rides when we needed and if we were lucky maybe they'd loan a car to you. I often did so I could drive to Elkhart or Goshen to go to the YMCA to workout. I got a flat once driving Sari Engle's car!

There was an old bike in the pantry that I would take on Monday mornings and ride one mile to the cneter of town where two state routes crossed. There was a very nice town library where I could get Sunday's New York Times and go throught the Arts and Leisure section. I would also take pout books. I was into Armistead Maupin's Tales from the City at the time.

I was FedExed the script and score in advance of my trip and I tried my damnedest to be off book as much as possible for the first day of rehearsal. I was saved because my character was only in a couple of musical numbers. So I wasn't used for many rehearsals upfront. Which gave me time to work on my lines at home while the rest of the cast was in rehearsal. It helped! I only used my script to record my blocking and then tossed it off stage to run scenes. We only had a little over a week to put the show up. I remember going shopping in Mishawaka with Jerry to buy my suit at Value City.

Our first day off on Friday, we all drove up to Mishawaka to go out to eat and see a movie. I rode with our musical director SD Lewis who was married to our choreographer Kent Lewis at the time, They had a soon to be 3 year old daughter. Yeah, she is now 27. I'm old!

I remember discussing Annie with SD in the car.  She and Jerry had talked about me maybe playing Daddy Warbucks. I told her I was more interested in Rooster. She agreed stating that now that they had worked with me for a few days, they could see that was a better fit.

It was a fun time. Eating in the Restaurant Barn kitchen where our choices were fried chicken, turkey or ham. The store at the front of the barn sold free baked breads, cookies, pies, cheese. I would do my "grocery shopping" there and buy cookies and bread every week. That didn't last long!

Opening night of Oklahoma!, we raided the ice cream and fudge shoppe for a party back at the cast house. Here is a picture from that night with me showing off some of the cheese we scored!

Jenny Yoder hosted a Mary Kay cosmetics part at the cast house one night (see below)

And there was my 35th Birthday party (below)

My parent sent a gift basket. More cheese!

A mostly quiet group of people. We didn't go out after shows.  We would go home and watch TV and then got to bed each night. That changed as new cast members came on board and the housemates changed.

In July, we lost Joe to a Shakespeare play in Chicago and Jenny to CCM where she was entering her sophomore year.  In came my friend CoriLynn Peterson from NYC and another actor named Ryan who came from a summer stock playhouse a few miles away that went under that season. Also, Sari Engle was brought in to direct Joseph. CoriLynn and Ryan moved into the Christmas Shop on the corner across from the entrance to Amish Acres. They let them live on the second floor while the shop was downstairs.  Sara and Robert also moved across the street and Sari moved into the house with us.

Sari was very close to Jerry, Robert and Gene and we started socializing more, often going out to the local dive bar in town, where I swear to God some nights we were the only ones in there with full sets of teeth. That was the first time I had real beef jerky out of a jar on the counter.

The season was so successful that the sales department wanted another rep show for October after Joseph closed. The staff put their heads together and came up with a show that could be done with just the core company, Godspell which Sari also directed. Rich Snyder was brought into take over the role of Peter in Plain and Fancy when Ryan went back to school and to play Jesus in Godspell. I played John/Judas. It was really lovely production all tied into the site's fall harvest.

After Godspell, AJ and Cece left and a whole new crew came in to do Annie and the house became much livelier with Joby Raines, Kacy Levy, Darren Murrell and my friend Jason Mosher.  With only one show to perform and none to rehearse, we went out more often. And this crowd was also more of late night group. Remember the late nights playing video games? Was it Nintendo? I don't know!

Closing night party of Plain and Fancy when we all took turns shaving Gene's head for his upcoming role of Daddy Warbucks in Annie with the razor we all chipped in to get him for his birthday.  Poor Gene. He thought it would be fun but it really got to him. He has a beautiful full head of hair. It was hard. Fortunately, it all grew back.

I played FDR. Jerry gave me a CD of FDR radio speeches to listen to, specifically the "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" speech, which was the very first line I spoke in the show. Darrin as Harold Ickes was responsible for pushing me around in the wheelchair. I remember getting a blocking note at one rehearsal and saying to Sari, "Why are you giving me the note? I just sit here. Give it to Darrin. He's the one who moves me. " LOL

And that poor dog we recruited to be Sandy. Not a stage trained dog. LOL It was the groudnskeeper's dog. He was a sweet dog. I was the official handler and basically I had to tell the entire cast to stay out of the wings when the dog was on stage otherwise, he would go towards them no matter how many Annie had in her cardigan pockets.

Oh my God! and there there was the night one of the orphans asked if I wanted my neck adjusted. And before I could say a word, she took my head and jerked it and snapped my neck. Yeah. That happened.

The day after we closed Annie, Gene and I packed up CoriLynn's car and drove back to NYC, (CoriLynn rode back with Jason).  It was a 13 hour drive. We got into NYC about midnight the night before New Years Eve. Long drive.

Another Midlife Crisis (What? Again?)

So let's get up to speed here...

Last June I left my full-time job to free up my life for my acting career. It was a difficult choice and one I had been debating for years. I had money in the bank, I had a nice nest egg in my retirement plan and 401(k). I figured if worse came to worse, if I went through my savings, I could dip into my retirement plan. I could find part-time work. Bottom line: I wouldn't end up on the streets.

Its now been almost a year and I've learned some things. I don't like not having a full-time job.  It's tough getting up in the morning and not having a place to go. I feel I need that structure (routine) in my life. Without it, I feel somewhat aimless, lost. So set some goals, Richard. Create your own structure.

But in addition to that, I no longer have a group of people that I see and work with every day. People to talk to and share with. Its gone. It contributes to my feeling of aimlessness. I feel alone.

I went through almost my savings within six months because I didn't work much during that time. Then, in January I started working a couple of part-time jobs which cover most of my monthly expenses but not all. The part-time jobs offer me flexibility which I like very much. I can pretty much make my own schedule which is great for the acting career because it gives me the freedom to go to any auditions I want and work around those auditions. But the hourly rates are less than what I was making even 20 years ago and no benefits.

I pay for my own medical now and since I took early retirement rather than quitting I am able to keep my old dental and vision plans, (I could have done the same with my medical but it was ridiculously expensive!). I rolled over my retirement plan and 401(k) into an IRA. Like I said its there if I need it but it will come at a cost  if I withdraw since I am under 60.

My rent has gone up...again so there's an added expense there. No problem, I'll look for cheaper place olive. Nope. Rents are going up everywhere unless I want to downsize of move further out from central LA.  I'm doing that...yet.

I withdrew some money from my IRA a couple months back and put it in my savings account to help me out because I wasn't working many hours at the time and I had gone through my savings. But then I booked a commercial and then a couple weeks later got my tax refunds so no need to dip into the savings just yet. Meanwhile, I've increased my hours with both part-time jobs so I'm bringing home more money. Far less than what I'm used to but I'm still here.

But what's freaking me outs this...the first six weeks of this year I had 10 commercial auditions. I was called back for five of them and then placed on avail for 3 of those five callbacks. Amazing! Three on avails in one month. That's never happened to me before. And I booked one of those. Yes!

But then after that, nothing. March and April were dead. I've had a couple auditions in the last couple of weeks so I feel a little better. But man this is tough. I'm in a panic. Maybe I shouldn't have left the job. Umm, yes! I should have! I was miserable.  Do I get another job so I have three? Increase the number of hours I drive for Instacart? I do make decent money some shifts, like @ $22/hour. But then other shifts I'll average $15/hour.  If I can make $250 - $280 in 16 - 19 hours, I can make $400 - $500 in 40, right? But do I want to do that, drive around the valley for 40 hours a week?

The other job, merchandising, is nice because I work by myself and can do the work whenever I want as long as its done by the deadline and I usually have a 1 - 3 week window to complete my assignments. But it doesn't pay much.  So do I look for a new gig? If so, what?

What's amazed me is how the universe has provided. For instance, the timing of booking the commercial. It happened a couple times before as well.  Right when I was running low on funds in September, I got five weeks of contract work with my former employer. Then, in November a commercial I made a year earlier was renewed for another year so I got a nice paycheck for that and then some independent work from some friends. So I'm learning to trust the universe more.  I'm a year into this new chapter in my life and I'm doing okay.

As for the rest, I spend a lot more time alone. I've always done theater and I think Ive used that as an excuse form black of social life. Or rather, its always been a substitute for a social life. And I decided recently to cut back on doing theater to keep myself available for TV and commercial work. So as a result, I'm not interacting with people so much anymore.  Not having the income I once had, I'm less likely to go out and spend money like I was. And working independently makes me miss the daily interaction with my co-workers. It's lonely when you work for yourself and without anyone else.

I chose this path. This is the one I wanted and I'm doing it. I told myself a long time ago that I knew if worse came to worse I would not starve and I would not end up on the streets because I am smart and in good health. There's a lot I can do. It just scares me being alone in this and not knowing what's next.

It's been three weeks! What am I doing with my life?

In my last blog, I shared that I had left my job of 11 years.  My last day on the job was June 30.  Today marks three full weeks since leaving the job. What have I been doing with myself since then?
Not a damn thing. Well, that's a slight exaggeration. I have been out hiking in the hills and I've taken my bike out on a couple of rides on the beach and along the LA River. And I've been going to the gym.

And last week was spent in my hometown of Albany, NY visiting family, which means I went to Saratoga Race Track and Lake George.

Saratoga Race Track Opening Day

I have managed to roll over my retirement plan to an IRA and I have elected options for dental and eye care plans. But I still have not figured out the health care.  I did manage to go online to the Obamacare site and to the CA State site and look around at all the options. Its overwhelming! And as soon as I put in my personal information, my phone starts ringing off the hook with calls from sales reps trying to sell me insurance plans.  Within 5 minutes of putting in my info, the phone rang. And while I was on that call, the phone was ringing with another. I told the guy I wanted to research on the Internet and decide what I wanted. I hung up. Within the next 40 minutes, the phone rang several times. I continued getting calls every day through this past Friday. Today is the first weekday that it hasn't rung. Phew!


In the meantime, how is the acting career going? Well, I have the play I'm rehearsing. But we're off for the month of July so I'm on my own learning lines. Although I managed to get 2 of my 5 co-stars over to run lines one night. I'm interviewing for a directing job tonight. And I met the Artistic Director of another theater 10 days ago about directing and/or acting there next season.

But other than that...cricket. cricket. Hello? McFly?  Is anybody there? This is what happens. I take time off so I can have the freedom to go to more auditions and not a single audition since I left the job. My last one was two days before I left the job.

I have no income at this point. But I do have a savings account. And there is the IRA. And I rolled over my retirement plan into an IRA to make it easier to access the funds IF NEED BE. its only for emergencies. But its there. So I'm not panicking. At the same time, I am worried. Because, well...there's no income!! And I am a worrier. This is tough.  One of the reasons I've worked full time is because I need the daily structure in my life. Being freelance feels weird. Like I'm skipping school! "What's he doing home in the middle of the day?" "Why does that man have to time to be hiking during a work day?" Those are the voices in my head talking to me.

I've got a couple jobs I've applied for online. And I'll be spending the next couple weeks applying for more. Ideally looking for a couple of part time jobs to give me enough to live off of.  Till then, I'm writing and learning lines. And submitting myself for everything that sounds remotely possible for me.

The Next Chapter

I've been keeping this one to myself...mostly.  As of two days ago, it became official. I am no longer employed full-time. Now this news is likely to concern some people. But the simple truth of the matter is I was miserable. Absolutely, 100%, out of my mind, trapped like a rat in a maze I couldn't get out of and afraid if I didn't do something soon I would crack and lose it miserable. There were some very, VERY low times in the last few years. I had to get out of there.  And after years of contemplating, debating, discussing, threatening, ruminating, I finally took the step and gave my notice about two and half months ago.

Friday, I left my job of nearly 11 years. That's the longest I've worked anywhere and its been great for me financially. I've put some money away. I've got a nice retirement plan/401(k). I have a nice car. I live in a nice place and typically don't have to worry about my expenses. For all of that, I am extremely grateful. But my mental state was not good.

I moved here from NYC to further pursue my acting career on TV and in film. And when I came here I told myself, if I didn't succeed as an actor then come hell or high water I would work in the entertainment industry no matter what. So, how did I end up working in Legal Compliance for a large finance firm in downtown LA? First off, I wasn't aware that anyone moved to LA for anything other than TV or film. I mean why move here. That's all that's here, right?

So I came. I started temping almost immediately and was placed at one of the big studios. I got an agent. I went out on commercial auditions. I did theater. I did some really (And I mean REALLY) low budget movies. I temped at that studio for well over two years. And then it came to an end, but I was immediately called by another temp agency that saw my resume online and was placed within days of leaving my last temp assignment at the studio at a finance firm in Pasadena for two weeks. It lasted over three months. And then the day after that assignment ended, another agency called that also found my resume online. The next day I went to their office and registered and the following day interviewed at the finance firm downtown and two days later started as a temp. And here I am 11 years and three promotions later....burnt out.

You see at the same time, I was working in the theater...almost constantly. In two or three shows a year.  And also going out on commercial and TV auditions. In recent years, its been tough to juggle. I'll go out on an audition during the work day and usually I'm back within an hour and a half. But every once in a while, I'm gone two hours, two and half hours. And every once in a while, my boss would notice and call me in wanting to know where I was. Stress. Anxiety. Anyone who knows me knows I can't handle a) stress, b) people not liking me and c) not being a perfect worker/employee/son/student/brother etc. I have to be perfect always, the good boy, the one who follows the rules and never does anything wrong. I cannot make mistakes, ever! It's a lot of pressure.

So take all this into an audition and well, you get the picture.  As I sit there in the waiting room, I'm checking the clock. Why is this taking so long? NO! Don't take a bathroom break. I have to get back to work! What if I get stuck in bad traffic? How will I explain myself?

I don't need that energy at an audition. Now, I'll be honest, once I'm in the audition room, I leave all that outside.  But as soon as I am out that door, I am OUT that door.  The stress of trying to juggle the full-time job and the auditions was too much. Now, I may go weeks without an issue but then I'll go through a stretch where I may have a couple of weeks with multiple auditions and me coming and going from work. Not so great. And lastly, I'm not 22 anymore! I'm exhausted all the time.

I need some rest. I need to relax and I need to give myself some time to prepare for each audition.
I'm not independently wealthy and I will need to find another way to support myself. But at this point, I'm looking for something part-time so I can have some flexibility.  I don't know what it will be just yet. I may open a store, or a franchise, or maybe work as a professional organizer. I'd like to teach acting to kids. Or maybe I'll just work as a barista at Starbucks. Who knows?

So if any of you know of a job or want to hire someone for some work around the house, let me know. I'm available.

It's Been Forever! Where Have I Been?

So one of the reasons for doing this blog was to keep my writing going. As it turns out, I have also used it as a sort of therapy to discuss some of my feelings, inner demons, insecurities etc. Sometimes just to talk about random things, trivia, well all the nonsense that takes up space in my brain, like anything entertainment related. I swear I could teach a full semester course on the history of television without ever having to crack open a book or write a single note.

So, what has eI been up to since my last blog over a month ago? Well, I have spent the last six weeks performing in an amazing production of the musical 42nd Street at the Candlelight Pavilion Dinner Theatre in Claremont, CA. Its been wonderful. I'm working with an amazing cast and crew and its been fun from the get go. This coming weekend we close. And then the sadness sets in. I've made some friends on this one that I think are going to be around for a while.

But am I resting on my laurels? No. The following week I start rehearsals on my next project, the musical Hello Again. No. I am not in this one. I am directing it. What? You've ever heard of it? You're not alone. It's by Michael John La Chuisa and its a short piece, less than 90 minutes and entails 10 scenes involving 10 hookups. Its based on La Ronde. Look it up.

So, yes I am directing a show. Not my first. Ive directed before. My last one was just over three years ago and it turned out great. Auditions were last week and we had an amazing turnout. And so untypical of most auditions, almost everyone who scheduled an appointment actually showed up.
We had 48 at callbacks and I had to do some fast eliminating to get through them all.

I feel I may have disappointed some friends who auditioned for me. And the truth is I was so excited to see so many friends and former colleagues show up. And to be honest going in to callbacks I pictured myself with a cast made up of a few friends. That didn't happen. And its hard. Im such a sensitive person that I'm fearful I let them down. But in the end there was someone else who brought something to the table that made all of us go...that's it! In reality, I could have cast most anyone who came to callbacks. They were all that good.

And now on to rehearsals. I'm thrilled with the cast we got. They are all super amazing. And like I said so were many of those who weren't chosen but we have to choose. That's the nature of the business. So what's going on with me? My insecurities are coming out in full force.

Oh yes, here we go again! Can I do this piece justice? Am I good enough to lead these actors who have put their trust in me?  Have I bit off more than I can chew? So I think back to the last time I directed, and the time before that and the time before that and you know what? I felt exactly the same way. And they turned out fine. In fact half the cast of my last show (two of the four) came to audition for this one. And the third cast member contacted me to let me know he wanted to but was out of town all last week. The fourth cast member just moved to NYC last week.

So I think that is the best endorsement. Those who have worked with me in the past want to work with me again. OK, Charlie Brown stop talking and let me get to work. I've got a show to put up!

The Career that Giveth and Taketh Away - Acting: It's not for the faint of heart

So far 2017, has been a mixed bag. I was excited coming into 2017 having booked roles in two films. A small but fun a part in a low budget parody film and a significant role in a USC film school student film.

I was especially looking forward to the student film because it would give me an opportunity to play against type. I typically play ineffective middle management or authority figures or goofy dads/neighbors, etc.  In this, I was to play a sympathetic single dad to a gay teen son who is being bullied into a sexual relationship with another teen who threatens to out him. I was really looking forward to it. A week before Christmas, I was sent the shoot dates and I told them I was fine but I had a day job and would not be available during the week. A couple weeks later, I received emails confirming the shoot dates and times, transportation information and costume measurements.  I made arrangements to take a day off for one day of filming. I worked on my lines.

And then the day before I was due to shoot, I received an email telling me that due to my last minute notification to them of my limited schedule, they could not use me. What?! Exactly, what was last minute? I told them as soon as they notified me of the shoot dates. They never said word one that there was a problem. They sent me a shoot schedule for Friday Saturday and Sunday. I took Friday off form work.  They were in constant contact with me, adding me to the contact list, asking about dietary restrictions, talking with the wardrobe supervisor about wardrobe. No clue.

I wasn't sure how to react. I mean I was really looking forward to this. It was a great opportunity for me to show something I haven't on film yet. I sent an email asking if they had the right person. Or wondering what had happened. I was too impatient to wait for a response, so I called the student the email came from. I asked her what was going on. She said because I had conflicts they couldn't use me. ME: But you never said anything to me. I've been responding to all the emails you've sent regarding wardrobe, transportation, dietary restrictions, etc. You sent me a filming schedule on December 18 and I emailed back that I had a day job, so weekdays could be a conflict,. You then sent me a shoot schedule with shoot days of Friday Saturday and Sunday. I took Friday off from work to shoot. Not once did anyone say, three was a scheduling issue. You lead me to believe those were my shoot dates. If you had called me, I could have changed my schedule to fit your shoot schedule. And now the day before the shoot you tell me to my late notice of conflicts. What late notice? I told you three weeks ago as soon as you sent the shooting dates.  HER: Well, we really loved your audition. We thought you were great. But we can only have the location for certain days and can't change it and our lead actor is only available certain times and couldn't change his schedule. ME: But you didn't tell me any of this. You've been communicating with me as if I had the part. HER: Well, we have someone else. ME: I thanked them for their time and wished them good luck with the project.

Frustrating! Did I mention I really wanted to play that part?

Film number two was also supposed to shoot in January. So far, I've heard nothing since I accepted the part and they sent me a copy of the script. It's now February. I'm beginning to feel like that might not happen. So a few days ago I sent an email asking if there were any updates on the filming.  I've gotten no response back. Its been four days.

Oh Acting Career, you giveth and you taketh away.

These are the joys of being an actor.  You feel good one day and then down the next,. You're only as good as your most recent work. And your self-esteem is so low that if you're not working, you feel pretty low. It's been a slow commercial audition period for me as well. So of course, my esteem is low presently.

Now on to the positive!

Tonight, I am opening a show on stage that I am very excited to be a part of. And it's going to be a really good one! 42nd Street at the Candlelight Pavilion Dinner Theatre in Claremont, CA. If you're in the neighborhood, come and see those dancing feet. It's going to be so good.

Grateful for What I Have

A couple of nights ago, something came to me. I don't know where it came from, but it hit me out of nowhere. I am grateful. Yes. Despite everything, I am grateful for the things I do have in my life.

I have had a couple of recent experiences in which someone has contacted me and asked me to be in a show. Me, the guy who recently complained about not being liked enough, the guy who feels alone and unappreciated. I've been contacted a few times to either be in or audition for a show.  So maybe my therapist is right, people do like me and think I'm talented.

I have a job. I hate it. I mean I really I hate it! To the point where I spend every day fantasizing about the day I quit. BUT it pays my bills. I live in a nice apartment by myself. I drive a nice car. I pay all my bills on time. I have money in the bank. I go on trips. I have a retirement plan. All because of this job that I really truly hate.  But again, it struck me the other day. I am lucky to have it. I am thankful.

I may spend most of my free time sitting in my apartment by myself and sometimes I feel as if I'm alone. But that's on me. If I reach out, there are people there for me.

Let's face it, and there isn't a day that I don't think about this, there are so many people out there who have it much worse than me. People with real problems. I fell guilty complaining about my things. But we all have things. We're all insecure in some way about something. And there you have another one of my things..I discount everything I feel. I don't complain or speak out because my problems don't matter when compared to others. I'm healthy. I have a job. I have a nice life. I'm not homeless. I'm not sick or dying from some disease. So I keep my issues to myself. Not good either.

So bottom line, I have problems. They effect me. I need to acknowledge them. I need to reach out to others. I'm not alone. If I let others in, I'll find that I am liked maybe even loved. And there is nothing wrong with reaching out. We all need support. I've spent a lifetime keeping everything in because I don't want to bother others. But...I have it good. I appreciate what I have.

And speaking of which, this coming week I am off to Australia and New Zealand for two weeks. I can't wait! I couldn't do that without the cursed job! Stay tuned for more.

At the risk of sounding bipolar...

Today's blog is about the positive side of my life or that glimmer of hope that pops up every once in a while and so you cling to it and it defines how you feel about yourself for a bit. Until something happens to bring you crashing back down.

First, thank you to all who reached out to me after my last blog. Again, I don't typically share that kind of information about myself. I believe that I should handle my own problems and not be a burden or annoyance to others. Seriously, that's how I feel about myself...that others have their own problems to deal with and they are more important than mine.  So writing about some of my issues was huge and scary for me. So thank you. 

But today, is to talk about the opposite. The positive signs in my life. The funny thing about the acting profession is that you're only as good as your last job. People have short-term memories in this business. So if I go more than a week without getting an audition, I get depressed. I start thinking that I'm not good enough to be pursuing this professionally. 

But then an audition will come in for a national commercial or a TV series and all of a sudden, I'm back!  I lose the feeling that I'm failing. It doesn't matter if I don't get the part or even a callback. It matters that I got an audition. And that must mean that they like me. They really like me! 

This week, I had a commercial audition, my first in a couple of weeks. Really, two weeks without a commercial audition and it sends me on a downward spiral? Well there were other factors involved in that, (see my last blog).  This particular casting office is an office I've auditioned for dozens of times over the years. It's been a while since my last time there. So I've thought they must not like me anymore because I've never booked. Ergo they stop calling me in. Then, they call me in for a national commercial audition and I think, I guess they DO like me. You see how this works? Up. Down. Up. Down.

OK, so I'm FINALLY getting to the meat of this blog.

So I walk in and there sits Rick Overton and Barry Livingston (he played Ernie on My Three Sons). And I think, "Holy Crap! How did I get in here?" Seriously. I grew up watching My Three Sons. Saturday nights on CBS right after The Jackie Gleason Show. I'm in the big leagues. I mean these guys have been series regulars. They've been around for a few decades. They know people. They've lived a life I've only dreamed of. Now here we are auditioning for the same job. Wow. Just wow.

So today, I am in a good place. Because, wouldn't you know the very next day I got another commercial audition. So suddenly, life isn't so bad. There is a glimmer of hope. Maybe I will book a few of these jobs and be able to quit my day job.

Tomorrow, I open in another show. And it's completely sold out for its entire run. It's only running this week and next. 11 performances. The show opens tonight but I will not be going on until tomorrow due to a previous commitment.  The show? Chico's Angels Waikiki: Chicas Five-O.

And it's hilarious! We had a small invited audience at last night's dress rehearsal. They laughed and screamed through the entire show. It was a rough dress rehearsal, as most are. There were missed cues, props, entrances, lines dropped, only half the costumes. But it didn't matter. We got through it. And I'm learning so much working with this troupe of players. They are pros, every last one of them and damn good at what they do. I feel out of my league.  (There's those negative thoughts again).

But all it takes is for one person to laugh at something I do onstage, and I'm okay. I guess I'm not so bad after all. Maybe I can hold my own up here. (C'mon, Richard. You know perfectly well that you can do more than hold your own on stage). That's the mature, logical voice inside my head talking back to the other negative, small child voice inside my head. They're constantly going at it. It's annoying.

Hmm, maybe I am bipolar. Or schizophrenic. 

Feeling better. Thank you!

Performance Anxiety

I need to vent. Yesterday, I had an audition for a show at a big prominent musical theater company here in the Los Angeles area. I've auditioned for them a few times over the last couple of years and have a few friends that have worked there. In fact, my last audition there last spring went quite well.

So I chose to audition for this show because there is a part in it that is perfect for me. I came very close to getting cast in this same role at another CLO in the area a few years back but ultimately did not get the part, but the artistic director was very happy with my audition and assured me it was a tough decision and she hoped I would continue to audition for them in the future.

So, I went into this audition yesterday armed with the same audition song. This is a song that I learned over 20 years ago and know like the back of my own hand.  I've sung it at cabaret nights, open mic nights and in my own cabaret act.  I went to this audition confident that I am right for this role and I had a song that was perfect for the character I want to be considered for and I know it well. I get to the audition location and am placed on deck in the hallway outside the audition room with two others. And that's when it hit me! Nerves. Big time nerves.

I stood there and realized how nervous I was. I kept telling myself that I had this. I know this song. It's mine. I had to keep talking to myself. I am a talented actor and singer. I know what I am doing. People like me. There is no reason to be this nervous. I'm Richard Van Slyke. I just need to go in there and show them.  I have this. Why am I so nervous?

I mean, I have been doing this for over 30 years. Why am I still riddled with nerves? Seriously. I've worked with vocal/acting coaches in New York and here in Los Angeles. I've taken voice lessons. I've worked professionally. I've been in dozens and dozens of shows. I've been in therapy. I've been given tricks to help me get through my nerves. But they don't go away. What is going on? Why am I still so lacking in self-confidence?

Here I am in line with much younger actors and singers probably not with half the experience that I have. They don't have their Equity cards. I do. And yet, I'm intimidated. I'm scared that I'm not as good as them. I don't belong here. Then I tell myself, these kids are here for chorus parts. You are here for one of the principal roles.  Seriously, what is wrong with me? When will I get over this?

A former acting teacher gave me a mantra to recite to myself, "I am me and that is enough."  I forget that.

Oh, and the audition...it went fine. I got through it. I sounded good. The acting was right on. I have fun with this song. I need to remember that. It's out of my hands now.

Stand Up Sondheim and Sketch. Oh My!

I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I am an actor/writer/director. Not full of confidence in my abilities and modest to a fault. Which may be why it's taken me two weeks of blogging to come right out and tell you this.

I am telling you this to share some of my life with you.  This weekend I am going to see friends in shows. This is a frequent activity for me because here in Los Angeles, (now you know where I live! Don't come after me!) There isn't a day that goes by that I don't receive emails and facebook invites to friend's shows. When I am in a show, its obviously hard for me to go see my friends's shows unless they perform on one of my off nights. In the time I took to write this paragraph, I got two email invites, (No lie!)

I still have friends in productions of Arsenic and Old Lace, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, an original musical at a small theater in Burbank, and a reading of a new musical at a theater in North Hollywood. All happening this weekend. And then I have others in rehearsals for shows that will be opening in a couple of weeks. And there are the theaters I have worked at in the past, whose shows I try to see as often as I can. I want to support them all. I really do. But obviously it's hard to do. When I'm not in a show it is easier, My schedule is lighter Here is a typical slow week:

Monday night, I took a dance class (see my November 7 blog). Tuesday night I took an acting class. Wednesday night I went to pick up my bike from the bike shop (I brought it in for a tune up). Thursday night I went to see a friend do stand up. Tonight, I rest. Tomorrow (Saturday night) I got to Long Beach to Sondheim on Sondheim at ICT starring a friend and then Sunday I go to a sketch show starring a group of people I  used to sketch with at Acme Comedy Theatre in Hollywood.  Oh! and did mention? I have a full time job. That's right. I work Monday through Friday from 8 am to 5 pm. Some weeks from 6:30am to 3:30 pm.

AND! I go to auditions during the day sometimes. Today for instance, I had a commercial audition. Last week, I had an audition for a new crime drama and on Friday I had a commercial audition. You may ask, "How do I do that when I have a full time job?" Well, let me tell you. It ain't easy, bucko!

You may remember in an earlier blog this week I touched on friends with significant others and children and me with none of those things. This may offer some insight: I'm pooped! I go to the auditions, but then I go back to my office in downtown Los Angeles and I go back to work (I started to type that I go back to sleep! That's how tired I am). I claim those auditions as my lunch hour. But this being Los Angeles and there being tons of traffic at any given moment in any given place without any rhyme or reason, I could be gone longer than an hour. What do I do in those instances? I work later or I come in earlier in anticipation of the audition that day. Today, I was lucky. I was only gone for 1 hour and 10 minutes. But there have been times when I've been gone for 2 to 3 hours!  My boss isn't too happy about those. But then sometimes, she doesn't even notice.

So tonight, I watch TV and veg..Oh! I almost forgot. I have a theater audition in Thousand Oaks Sunday afternoon so I will have to work on that some. In between working out at the gym and doing laundry, grocery shopping for the coming week and washing the car. And I should probably do some house cleaning too. Well, my weekend is gone. See you next week!