Another Midlife Crisis (What? Again?)

So let's get up to speed here...

Last June I left my full-time job to free up my life for my acting career. It was a difficult choice and one I had been debating for years. I had money in the bank, I had a nice nest egg in my retirement plan and 401(k). I figured if worse came to worse, if I went through my savings, I could dip into my retirement plan. I could find part-time work. Bottom line: I wouldn't end up on the streets.

Its now been almost a year and I've learned some things. I don't like not having a full-time job.  It's tough getting up in the morning and not having a place to go. I feel I need that structure (routine) in my life. Without it, I feel somewhat aimless, lost. So set some goals, Richard. Create your own structure.

But in addition to that, I no longer have a group of people that I see and work with every day. People to talk to and share with. Its gone. It contributes to my feeling of aimlessness. I feel alone.

I went through almost my savings within six months because I didn't work much during that time. Then, in January I started working a couple of part-time jobs which cover most of my monthly expenses but not all. The part-time jobs offer me flexibility which I like very much. I can pretty much make my own schedule which is great for the acting career because it gives me the freedom to go to any auditions I want and work around those auditions. But the hourly rates are less than what I was making even 20 years ago and no benefits.

I pay for my own medical now and since I took early retirement rather than quitting I am able to keep my old dental and vision plans, (I could have done the same with my medical but it was ridiculously expensive!). I rolled over my retirement plan and 401(k) into an IRA. Like I said its there if I need it but it will come at a cost  if I withdraw since I am under 60.

My rent has gone up...again so there's an added expense there. No problem, I'll look for cheaper place olive. Nope. Rents are going up everywhere unless I want to downsize of move further out from central LA.  I'm doing that...yet.

I withdrew some money from my IRA a couple months back and put it in my savings account to help me out because I wasn't working many hours at the time and I had gone through my savings. But then I booked a commercial and then a couple weeks later got my tax refunds so no need to dip into the savings just yet. Meanwhile, I've increased my hours with both part-time jobs so I'm bringing home more money. Far less than what I'm used to but I'm still here.

But what's freaking me outs this...the first six weeks of this year I had 10 commercial auditions. I was called back for five of them and then placed on avail for 3 of those five callbacks. Amazing! Three on avails in one month. That's never happened to me before. And I booked one of those. Yes!

But then after that, nothing. March and April were dead. I've had a couple auditions in the last couple of weeks so I feel a little better. But man this is tough. I'm in a panic. Maybe I shouldn't have left the job. Umm, yes! I should have! I was miserable.  Do I get another job so I have three? Increase the number of hours I drive for Instacart? I do make decent money some shifts, like @ $22/hour. But then other shifts I'll average $15/hour.  If I can make $250 - $280 in 16 - 19 hours, I can make $400 - $500 in 40, right? But do I want to do that, drive around the valley for 40 hours a week?

The other job, merchandising, is nice because I work by myself and can do the work whenever I want as long as its done by the deadline and I usually have a 1 - 3 week window to complete my assignments. But it doesn't pay much.  So do I look for a new gig? If so, what?

What's amazed me is how the universe has provided. For instance, the timing of booking the commercial. It happened a couple times before as well.  Right when I was running low on funds in September, I got five weeks of contract work with my former employer. Then, in November a commercial I made a year earlier was renewed for another year so I got a nice paycheck for that and then some independent work from some friends. So I'm learning to trust the universe more.  I'm a year into this new chapter in my life and I'm doing okay.

As for the rest, I spend a lot more time alone. I've always done theater and I think Ive used that as an excuse form black of social life. Or rather, its always been a substitute for a social life. And I decided recently to cut back on doing theater to keep myself available for TV and commercial work. So as a result, I'm not interacting with people so much anymore.  Not having the income I once had, I'm less likely to go out and spend money like I was. And working independently makes me miss the daily interaction with my co-workers. It's lonely when you work for yourself and without anyone else.

I chose this path. This is the one I wanted and I'm doing it. I told myself a long time ago that I knew if worse came to worse I would not starve and I would not end up on the streets because I am smart and in good health. There's a lot I can do. It just scares me being alone in this and not knowing what's next.

It's Been Forever! Where Have I Been?

So one of the reasons for doing this blog was to keep my writing going. As it turns out, I have also used it as a sort of therapy to discuss some of my feelings, inner demons, insecurities etc. Sometimes just to talk about random things, trivia, well all the nonsense that takes up space in my brain, like anything entertainment related. I swear I could teach a full semester course on the history of television without ever having to crack open a book or write a single note.

So, what has eI been up to since my last blog over a month ago? Well, I have spent the last six weeks performing in an amazing production of the musical 42nd Street at the Candlelight Pavilion Dinner Theatre in Claremont, CA. Its been wonderful. I'm working with an amazing cast and crew and its been fun from the get go. This coming weekend we close. And then the sadness sets in. I've made some friends on this one that I think are going to be around for a while.

But am I resting on my laurels? No. The following week I start rehearsals on my next project, the musical Hello Again. No. I am not in this one. I am directing it. What? You've ever heard of it? You're not alone. It's by Michael John La Chuisa and its a short piece, less than 90 minutes and entails 10 scenes involving 10 hookups. Its based on La Ronde. Look it up.

So, yes I am directing a show. Not my first. Ive directed before. My last one was just over three years ago and it turned out great. Auditions were last week and we had an amazing turnout. And so untypical of most auditions, almost everyone who scheduled an appointment actually showed up.
We had 48 at callbacks and I had to do some fast eliminating to get through them all.

I feel I may have disappointed some friends who auditioned for me. And the truth is I was so excited to see so many friends and former colleagues show up. And to be honest going in to callbacks I pictured myself with a cast made up of a few friends. That didn't happen. And its hard. Im such a sensitive person that I'm fearful I let them down. But in the end there was someone else who brought something to the table that made all of us go...that's it! In reality, I could have cast most anyone who came to callbacks. They were all that good.

And now on to rehearsals. I'm thrilled with the cast we got. They are all super amazing. And like I said so were many of those who weren't chosen but we have to choose. That's the nature of the business. So what's going on with me? My insecurities are coming out in full force.

Oh yes, here we go again! Can I do this piece justice? Am I good enough to lead these actors who have put their trust in me?  Have I bit off more than I can chew? So I think back to the last time I directed, and the time before that and the time before that and you know what? I felt exactly the same way. And they turned out fine. In fact half the cast of my last show (two of the four) came to audition for this one. And the third cast member contacted me to let me know he wanted to but was out of town all last week. The fourth cast member just moved to NYC last week.

So I think that is the best endorsement. Those who have worked with me in the past want to work with me again. OK, Charlie Brown stop talking and let me get to work. I've got a show to put up!