Another Midlife Crisis (What? Again?)

So let's get up to speed here...

Last June I left my full-time job to free up my life for my acting career. It was a difficult choice and one I had been debating for years. I had money in the bank, I had a nice nest egg in my retirement plan and 401(k). I figured if worse came to worse, if I went through my savings, I could dip into my retirement plan. I could find part-time work. Bottom line: I wouldn't end up on the streets.

Its now been almost a year and I've learned some things. I don't like not having a full-time job.  It's tough getting up in the morning and not having a place to go. I feel I need that structure (routine) in my life. Without it, I feel somewhat aimless, lost. So set some goals, Richard. Create your own structure.

But in addition to that, I no longer have a group of people that I see and work with every day. People to talk to and share with. Its gone. It contributes to my feeling of aimlessness. I feel alone.

I went through almost my savings within six months because I didn't work much during that time. Then, in January I started working a couple of part-time jobs which cover most of my monthly expenses but not all. The part-time jobs offer me flexibility which I like very much. I can pretty much make my own schedule which is great for the acting career because it gives me the freedom to go to any auditions I want and work around those auditions. But the hourly rates are less than what I was making even 20 years ago and no benefits.

I pay for my own medical now and since I took early retirement rather than quitting I am able to keep my old dental and vision plans, (I could have done the same with my medical but it was ridiculously expensive!). I rolled over my retirement plan and 401(k) into an IRA. Like I said its there if I need it but it will come at a cost  if I withdraw since I am under 60.

My rent has gone up...again so there's an added expense there. No problem, I'll look for cheaper place olive. Nope. Rents are going up everywhere unless I want to downsize of move further out from central LA.  I'm doing that...yet.

I withdrew some money from my IRA a couple months back and put it in my savings account to help me out because I wasn't working many hours at the time and I had gone through my savings. But then I booked a commercial and then a couple weeks later got my tax refunds so no need to dip into the savings just yet. Meanwhile, I've increased my hours with both part-time jobs so I'm bringing home more money. Far less than what I'm used to but I'm still here.

But what's freaking me outs this...the first six weeks of this year I had 10 commercial auditions. I was called back for five of them and then placed on avail for 3 of those five callbacks. Amazing! Three on avails in one month. That's never happened to me before. And I booked one of those. Yes!

But then after that, nothing. March and April were dead. I've had a couple auditions in the last couple of weeks so I feel a little better. But man this is tough. I'm in a panic. Maybe I shouldn't have left the job. Umm, yes! I should have! I was miserable.  Do I get another job so I have three? Increase the number of hours I drive for Instacart? I do make decent money some shifts, like @ $22/hour. But then other shifts I'll average $15/hour.  If I can make $250 - $280 in 16 - 19 hours, I can make $400 - $500 in 40, right? But do I want to do that, drive around the valley for 40 hours a week?

The other job, merchandising, is nice because I work by myself and can do the work whenever I want as long as its done by the deadline and I usually have a 1 - 3 week window to complete my assignments. But it doesn't pay much.  So do I look for a new gig? If so, what?

What's amazed me is how the universe has provided. For instance, the timing of booking the commercial. It happened a couple times before as well.  Right when I was running low on funds in September, I got five weeks of contract work with my former employer. Then, in November a commercial I made a year earlier was renewed for another year so I got a nice paycheck for that and then some independent work from some friends. So I'm learning to trust the universe more.  I'm a year into this new chapter in my life and I'm doing okay.

As for the rest, I spend a lot more time alone. I've always done theater and I think Ive used that as an excuse form black of social life. Or rather, its always been a substitute for a social life. And I decided recently to cut back on doing theater to keep myself available for TV and commercial work. So as a result, I'm not interacting with people so much anymore.  Not having the income I once had, I'm less likely to go out and spend money like I was. And working independently makes me miss the daily interaction with my co-workers. It's lonely when you work for yourself and without anyone else.

I chose this path. This is the one I wanted and I'm doing it. I told myself a long time ago that I knew if worse came to worse I would not starve and I would not end up on the streets because I am smart and in good health. There's a lot I can do. It just scares me being alone in this and not knowing what's next.

Motivation vs. Procrastination

This morning I had a colonoscopy. All good. Three small polyps removed. All clean. Come back in five years.

Now as most of you probably know, there is some prep work involved the day before a colonoscopy. So I decided to take advantage and do some housecleaning. I had fallen a bit behind so this was the perfect opportunity seeing as I had to spend the entire afternoon and evening at home "prepping" for my procedure.

I felt very productive. I vacuumed the rugs, swiffered and mopped the floors, cleaned the bathroom sink and tub, dusted and last and most importantly took care of a project I have procrastinated for a long time.  I rearranged the art work and mirrors on my bedroom walls.

I had a few prints framed at Michael's ( a couple from my London trip and one from my New Zealand trip). I had been putting off re-doing my bedroom walls for well over  year. See when I first moved in, I had the bed positioned in the center of the room. Every hanging on the walls was placed based on the location of the furniture at that time. A few months after moving in, I realized that there was much better feng shui layout for the room. It gave me much more room to move around. But the art and mirrors hanging on the walls made no sense. And I kept telling myself that.  Repeatedly, every month or two I'd think again, "I need to re-hang my walls."  I've been saying that for two years.

Yesterday, I finally tackled it. I moved pictures around, moved the big mirror to another wall where it no longer blocked and I can now stand in front of it and see my full body.  I moved a piece from my front hall to my bedroom and put the new framed pieces in the hall. And my bedroom looks lighter. Really! Walk in now and it just feels lighter, brighter almost. All because I took the heavy dark framed mirror from the wall net to window and moved it to the wall behind the door.  And in its places is smaller silver-framed piece of art.

The front hall pieces. 

Also, I cleaned up some clutter. And I did some much needed reading. I read a script that I am directing next spring. Read through all the election day materials for the State of California so I know a little something about all the propositions and measures. Oh! And I did a load of laundry. That's right. I did all that in a day and a half.
Yes, I actually did the reading today after I got home from the procedure and in between naps. Everything else was yesterday.
So yes I was motivated by my prep for a colonoscopy and knowing I couldn't leave the house or be too far from a bathroom. Let's see what will motivate me next. For now, its more procrastination.