Another Midlife Crisis (What? Again?)

So let's get up to speed here...

Last June I left my full-time job to free up my life for my acting career. It was a difficult choice and one I had been debating for years. I had money in the bank, I had a nice nest egg in my retirement plan and 401(k). I figured if worse came to worse, if I went through my savings, I could dip into my retirement plan. I could find part-time work. Bottom line: I wouldn't end up on the streets.

Its now been almost a year and I've learned some things. I don't like not having a full-time job.  It's tough getting up in the morning and not having a place to go. I feel I need that structure (routine) in my life. Without it, I feel somewhat aimless, lost. So set some goals, Richard. Create your own structure.

But in addition to that, I no longer have a group of people that I see and work with every day. People to talk to and share with. Its gone. It contributes to my feeling of aimlessness. I feel alone.

I went through almost my savings within six months because I didn't work much during that time. Then, in January I started working a couple of part-time jobs which cover most of my monthly expenses but not all. The part-time jobs offer me flexibility which I like very much. I can pretty much make my own schedule which is great for the acting career because it gives me the freedom to go to any auditions I want and work around those auditions. But the hourly rates are less than what I was making even 20 years ago and no benefits.

I pay for my own medical now and since I took early retirement rather than quitting I am able to keep my old dental and vision plans, (I could have done the same with my medical but it was ridiculously expensive!). I rolled over my retirement plan and 401(k) into an IRA. Like I said its there if I need it but it will come at a cost  if I withdraw since I am under 60.

My rent has gone up...again so there's an added expense there. No problem, I'll look for cheaper place olive. Nope. Rents are going up everywhere unless I want to downsize of move further out from central LA.  I'm doing that...yet.

I withdrew some money from my IRA a couple months back and put it in my savings account to help me out because I wasn't working many hours at the time and I had gone through my savings. But then I booked a commercial and then a couple weeks later got my tax refunds so no need to dip into the savings just yet. Meanwhile, I've increased my hours with both part-time jobs so I'm bringing home more money. Far less than what I'm used to but I'm still here.

But what's freaking me outs this...the first six weeks of this year I had 10 commercial auditions. I was called back for five of them and then placed on avail for 3 of those five callbacks. Amazing! Three on avails in one month. That's never happened to me before. And I booked one of those. Yes!

But then after that, nothing. March and April were dead. I've had a couple auditions in the last couple of weeks so I feel a little better. But man this is tough. I'm in a panic. Maybe I shouldn't have left the job. Umm, yes! I should have! I was miserable.  Do I get another job so I have three? Increase the number of hours I drive for Instacart? I do make decent money some shifts, like @ $22/hour. But then other shifts I'll average $15/hour.  If I can make $250 - $280 in 16 - 19 hours, I can make $400 - $500 in 40, right? But do I want to do that, drive around the valley for 40 hours a week?

The other job, merchandising, is nice because I work by myself and can do the work whenever I want as long as its done by the deadline and I usually have a 1 - 3 week window to complete my assignments. But it doesn't pay much.  So do I look for a new gig? If so, what?

What's amazed me is how the universe has provided. For instance, the timing of booking the commercial. It happened a couple times before as well.  Right when I was running low on funds in September, I got five weeks of contract work with my former employer. Then, in November a commercial I made a year earlier was renewed for another year so I got a nice paycheck for that and then some independent work from some friends. So I'm learning to trust the universe more.  I'm a year into this new chapter in my life and I'm doing okay.

As for the rest, I spend a lot more time alone. I've always done theater and I think Ive used that as an excuse form black of social life. Or rather, its always been a substitute for a social life. And I decided recently to cut back on doing theater to keep myself available for TV and commercial work. So as a result, I'm not interacting with people so much anymore.  Not having the income I once had, I'm less likely to go out and spend money like I was. And working independently makes me miss the daily interaction with my co-workers. It's lonely when you work for yourself and without anyone else.

I chose this path. This is the one I wanted and I'm doing it. I told myself a long time ago that I knew if worse came to worse I would not starve and I would not end up on the streets because I am smart and in good health. There's a lot I can do. It just scares me being alone in this and not knowing what's next.

Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I get depressed. No, really depressed. I feel like I'm all alone. There is no one here for me. I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. I'm just drifting through life. No place to go. Nothing to do.

I do like my alone time and at my age I've grown used to it. But sometimes, it gets to me. When I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. When I stop and think that no one has called me in ages. When I think about the future. When I think about my day job that I absolutely hate but I have no idea what I would do if I were to quit.  And sometimes it all adds up and gets me super depressed.
And the the lack of auditions also causes me to lose confidence in my abilities as an actor. My friends on facebook are impressed with how much I do, but in my mind it's not enough. Its never enough. I'm a failure.  I'm always acting in something. Well, yes, but its not Broadway. Its not a part on a big network TV show. I'm not making a living at this.

Then I start thinking I'm not that good at this. I'll take a class for instance and there are other people in the class better than me. So clearly I'm not the best and therefore I am not loved nor liked. I'm a hack, an amateur. I'm untalented. The other actors don't have respect for or admire me.

There were times when I was younger, I would be surprised that fellow cast mates or classmates would praise me and love and laugh at everything I did. I felt like I wasn't even trying.  I didn't earn it. I couldn't understand why they liked me so much.

Is it because I'm older now? I'm not young and so I'm not cool. (BTW: I was never cool!) Maybe because I'm older, younger cast mates, etc think I'm unapproachable or I'm older and therefore secure and confident and don't need to be praised. Or why hang out with me? I'm too old. Believe me, it's not true. I'm just as insecure and lacking in self-confidence as I have ever been.

I'm thinking about not only quitting my job, but getting out of pursuing acting as a career. I'm also thinking I don't want to be in Los Angeles anymore. I don't think I like it here. The weather is nice. It's better then the Northeast, where I'm from. But where would I go? I miss NYC sometimes, but what would I do if I moved back there? And my hometown area, Albany, NY? Not crazy about the winters. And again, what would I do?

Maybe if there were someone in my life to share my life with, I would feel better about myself. Or even the feeling of a real sense of family among a group of friends. But I have none of that.

My therapist says it's good to share or to disclose your feelings so that is what I am doing here. Will this surprise some of you who know me? Perhaps. I do tend to not let on. I think you would be surprised how often and how deep this goes.  Full Disclosure: it's been really bad at times. Really bad. Not right now, but in the past.

I need a change. That's for certain. And perhaps being in class will strengthen my confidence. But right now, I'm not in a good place. This too shall pass. It always does. As soon as I book another acting gig it will probably pass. :)

Survival Jobs

I'm an actor. Did you know that? I am. And being an actor, I have spent a great deal of my adult life working survival jobs.

Mostly, day jobs in offices. I temped for many years in a variety of offices in a variety of fields. Every once in a while I decide that I need health care and a steady paycheck so I accept the full-time job and stay a while.

For many years, (my 20s), I worked in retail. I briefly attempted to live in New York City and pursue an acting career. I went through all my money in a couple of months. I refused to get a full-time job and only took part-time jobs that didn't pay enough. I hated the insecurity and I had no confidence in myself. I ran home to Albany, NY and my parents house and went right back into retail.

I did local theater at night. One show after another. Whenever and wherever. My retail career began to flourish. Eventually, I ended up as a buyer for a local chain of department stores. And I was really good at it. I liked it. But it was a small company and the pay was not great. My dream was to work Saks Fifth Avenue or Lord & Taylor. But then, I realized that the pressure of the corporate world would be too much.

And where I worked in Schenectady was too small time for me. I did not want to stay in Schenectady. All that time, something kept pulling at me. You have to go back to New York. Besides, the store I was working for was on its last legs. It went under about a year after I left.

So I went to NYC, but not without a job. I was a store manager for The Gap in Flushing Queens for just over a year. And then I burned out. I quit and I lost my rent controlled apartment in Kew Gardens in the same week. No job. No place to live. And in debt.

I started temping. I joined a theatre company on the East Side in Manhattan. After a few temp assignments, I ended up taking a job in the production department of the Public Finance division at Moody's Investors Service.  I took voice lessons, casting workshops, built up my resume at St. Bart's Playhouse. Eventually, I quit my full-time job and went back to temping and started getting acting work.

I briefly tried other jobs, telemarketing selling book clubs for Weekly Reader, working at men's store in SoHo... I lasted there less than a day. I walked out for lunch and didn't go back. I believe that's what they call job abandonment. I temped at a jewelry wholesaler in the Village for a few weeks where the people in the department were at war with another and putting me in the middle. I asked to be taken off that assignment.

I temped a few days a week. I worked in the men's department at Bloomingdale's nights and weekends. I auditioned. I got acting gigs. I came back to town and temped. I did long-time gigs in the Advertising Sales department at The New Yorker, the production department at Conde Nast Publishing and a couple of assignments at The NFL, which became my next full-time job when I decided it was high time I fixed the hernia I had been walking around with for about five years. I stayed there for four years while also working part-time in a couple of Broadway - NYC gift shops in the theatre district. Worked a Christmas at Lord & Taylor. Got out of debt. Lived on my own in Washington Heights. Got my Equity card. But things got stale, so I moved to Los Angeles.

More temping during the day and theater at night. A couple of years at Disney and then a couple of financial firms until I ended up in the compliance department at The Capital Group Companies in downtown LA.

I've been there almost ten years.

I've never waited tables, or tended bar or tutored or gone back to school to get licensed to do massage therapy or real estate. Just temped in offices. And I gotta tell ya, I love the benefits and the that fact that I have a pretty decent quality of life. And I do get to do theatre.

It works for me. I'm comfortable. Its not for everyone.

What do you do for survival jobs? Tell me about your worst survival jobs.