Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I get depressed. No, really depressed. I feel like I'm all alone. There is no one here for me. I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. I'm just drifting through life. No place to go. Nothing to do.

I do like my alone time and at my age I've grown used to it. But sometimes, it gets to me. When I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. When I stop and think that no one has called me in ages. When I think about the future. When I think about my day job that I absolutely hate but I have no idea what I would do if I were to quit.  And sometimes it all adds up and gets me super depressed.
And the the lack of auditions also causes me to lose confidence in my abilities as an actor. My friends on facebook are impressed with how much I do, but in my mind it's not enough. Its never enough. I'm a failure.  I'm always acting in something. Well, yes, but its not Broadway. Its not a part on a big network TV show. I'm not making a living at this.

Then I start thinking I'm not that good at this. I'll take a class for instance and there are other people in the class better than me. So clearly I'm not the best and therefore I am not loved nor liked. I'm a hack, an amateur. I'm untalented. The other actors don't have respect for or admire me.

There were times when I was younger, I would be surprised that fellow cast mates or classmates would praise me and love and laugh at everything I did. I felt like I wasn't even trying.  I didn't earn it. I couldn't understand why they liked me so much.

Is it because I'm older now? I'm not young and so I'm not cool. (BTW: I was never cool!) Maybe because I'm older, younger cast mates, etc think I'm unapproachable or I'm older and therefore secure and confident and don't need to be praised. Or why hang out with me? I'm too old. Believe me, it's not true. I'm just as insecure and lacking in self-confidence as I have ever been.

I'm thinking about not only quitting my job, but getting out of pursuing acting as a career. I'm also thinking I don't want to be in Los Angeles anymore. I don't think I like it here. The weather is nice. It's better then the Northeast, where I'm from. But where would I go? I miss NYC sometimes, but what would I do if I moved back there? And my hometown area, Albany, NY? Not crazy about the winters. And again, what would I do?

Maybe if there were someone in my life to share my life with, I would feel better about myself. Or even the feeling of a real sense of family among a group of friends. But I have none of that.

My therapist says it's good to share or to disclose your feelings so that is what I am doing here. Will this surprise some of you who know me? Perhaps. I do tend to not let on. I think you would be surprised how often and how deep this goes.  Full Disclosure: it's been really bad at times. Really bad. Not right now, but in the past.

I need a change. That's for certain. And perhaps being in class will strengthen my confidence. But right now, I'm not in a good place. This too shall pass. It always does. As soon as I book another acting gig it will probably pass. :)

To Eat or To Exercise. The Eternal Holiday Struggle

Its that time of year again. Holidays. Time to go out with friends for drinks. Go to holiday parties and drink and eat food. Lots of of food. Oh, it doesn't look like much because all the foods are small. That's how it gets you. Its not going out for dinner or a meal. Its a cocktail party at a friends house or maybe visiting old college friends or family.

Stop by for a bit. And there's always cookies and snacks and cheese and crackers and appetizers.  Small stuff. Finger foods as they say. How innocent sounding...finger foods. Light snacking. I'll just have a couple of these. Oh! So good. Let me have another. Oh! And what are these. OK. I'm done. No more.   So I'm good. I don't eat anything for a bit. But now, Oh look! Shrimp! I got to get me some of those! Yes! Mmm. Oh! And look Aunt Wendy just showed up with three platters of fresh baked Christmas cookies!

Before you know it, you're feeling bloated. Because at the same time, you had some drinks and you need something to absorb the alcohol. So now you've been noshing for over three hours. And none of it is health food. Yes, you didn't gorge yourself on a meal. Because that's being served in 5 minutes! What!?

See? That's how they get you. Your tricked into thinking you're not cheating because its all just small foods. But its all fattening and sweet and bad for you but soooo good! Personally, I can't stay away from cheese and crackers. And shrimp! Which I really need to steer clear of because of my cholesterol. And then cookies. Oh boy! I have a HUUUUGE sweet tooth. Seriously HUUUGE! I eat chocolate every day. Can't get enough of it.

Oh God, just hoist me on the couch in front of the TV and play the old Christmas specials. I am done.

And just this past couple of weeks I was being better about getting to the gym more and increasing my cardio. I've been trying to get to the gym at least one night during the week in addition to my Saturday and Sunday workouts. But now, well Friday night have drinks with the girls and then Sunday I'm going to Disneyland followed by a cocktail party. Maybe I should skip the cocktail party and go to the gym instead since I won't be able to go in the morning cause I'll be in Disneyland.

Oh shoot! I just remembered theres a work luncheon Friday and then Monday my team guest for lunch and then the company party is on Thursday. Yeah, keep it coming. Don't even give me chance to work out. Maybe if I take a couple of weeks off from work, I can get to the gym every day. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

Or, I could just be motivated enough to make the time to go in between work and sleep and parties. Nah! I'll just go after New Years.

Feed a Cold is a Free Pass To Eat

Catching a cold. I am catching a cold. And I am not happy. I am never happy when I have a cold. But then I guess no one is happy when they have a cold.

It hit me last night after dinner.  And today, I was okay. Functioning. But not great. Had a PT appointment after work and when I told my PT that I was coming down with cold, he said go home.  After questioning me about where I was in the stage of the cold, he sent me home.  Still incubating I guess. So no chances to take. Go home and don't give me your sickness.

So I went home. Had some dinner. And now two hours later, I want more. Feed a cold, starve a fever. So now I am about to go to the store and by snack food because well you know, feed a cold! I have a cold. Ergo I can eat whatever I want and stain the couch watching TV. No dance class tonight. No gym.  Those were my alternatives tonight. But, I'm under the weather so...you know. FEED A COLD!  Feed me Seymour. Feed me now!


Healthy eating can wait until this passes, right? Feed a cold!

It's pretty early in the game for this cold. I'm not sneezing or coughing. I'm not stuffed up. Just a bit of scratchy throat and some congestion the sinuses. But I'm so tired. My eyes hurt. Their red. I will definitely go to bed early tonight. Like by 10, which is early for me.

Oh! And I have gas. Really disgusting smelly gas. What? TMI? Aren't you glad I shared?

I mean I feel fine. I'm just really tired. And my throat is irritating me. If I medicate myself enough it could go either way. I could take my Nyquil and wake up tomorrow feeling better or I could wake up even worse than I am today.

I just want to sleep and eat. Because, well, I have an excuse to eat. Feed a cold, people! Feed a cold! The greatest advice ever given. Its a like a free pass when you're on a diet.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Ralph's to get some cookies, and Cheez-Its and maybe some hummus and pita chips. And juice! I love juice!

See you on the other side of this cold.

Am I an Internet Junkie?

When I'm bored, I surf the Internet. When I'm at work, I surf the Internet. When I'm on my lunch break, I surf the Internet. When I get home and after I've finished dinner, I surf the Internet. When I get home from the gym, I surf the Internet. On the weekends and on my days off, when I get out of bed, I surf the Internet. Ah, who am I kidding? I have an iPad. When I wake up on Saturdays and Sundays and I'm still lying in bed, I surf the Internet.

I may have problem.

I can't stop. It's my go to activity.  It's an excuse to procrastinate. When I had a sketch to write for Acme Comedy Theatre or for my web series, I would force myself to go to Starbucks or Coffee Bean so I wouldn't be as distracted as I would at home. Noticed I said as distracted as opposed to not being distracted at all. Why? Because I will still surf the Internet in between writing a page of dialog. I will. Can't stop.

Have to see if there's any new emails to respond to or if anyone has viewed my profile on Match.com or OK Cupid. I need to check Facebook to see if anyone has resounded to or liked any of my posts. And to read what any of my friends might have posted.

And then there's youtube. God love youtube. It is THE rabbit hole of all rabbit holes. I dare you to log in and just watch one. C'mon I dare you.  You can't. can you? I didn't think so. Hey. I'm not judging. I am the poster child for watching youtube. Its as bad as my TV addiction.

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Oops! You see that. Just then. I did it. I went away for three minutes my fb page, saw a link to youtube video and watched it. And now I am back.

My addiction to the Internet is now so bad that I watch TV with my iPad in hand and read emails, check my occupied and match profiles, and sometimes read an leave comments on my fb page. Stop The Madness! What happened to me?

For someone who rails against technology and how its changed our lives bad ways because its chipping away at all social niceties, formalities and human interactions, I sure act like the opposite. When did I become this person? I used to just watch TV and nothing else. Now some nights, I have the TV on, I'm sitting at the computer AND I have my iPad sitting open on my desk next to me so I can play Trivia Crack. What in God's name?

Please, someone, help me before I sink so far down that rabbit hole, I never come back!

My name is Richard and I'm an Internet-holic.

Stand Up Sondheim and Sketch. Oh My!

I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I am an actor/writer/director. Not full of confidence in my abilities and modest to a fault. Which may be why it's taken me two weeks of blogging to come right out and tell you this.

I am telling you this to share some of my life with you.  This weekend I am going to see friends in shows. This is a frequent activity for me because here in Los Angeles, (now you know where I live! Don't come after me!) There isn't a day that goes by that I don't receive emails and facebook invites to friend's shows. When I am in a show, its obviously hard for me to go see my friends's shows unless they perform on one of my off nights. In the time I took to write this paragraph, I got two email invites, (No lie!)

I still have friends in productions of Arsenic and Old Lace, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, an original musical at a small theater in Burbank, and a reading of a new musical at a theater in North Hollywood. All happening this weekend. And then I have others in rehearsals for shows that will be opening in a couple of weeks. And there are the theaters I have worked at in the past, whose shows I try to see as often as I can. I want to support them all. I really do. But obviously it's hard to do. When I'm not in a show it is easier, My schedule is lighter Here is a typical slow week:

Monday night, I took a dance class (see my November 7 blog). Tuesday night I took an acting class. Wednesday night I went to pick up my bike from the bike shop (I brought it in for a tune up). Thursday night I went to see a friend do stand up. Tonight, I rest. Tomorrow (Saturday night) I got to Long Beach to Sondheim on Sondheim at ICT starring a friend and then Sunday I go to a sketch show starring a group of people I  used to sketch with at Acme Comedy Theatre in Hollywood.  Oh! and did mention? I have a full time job. That's right. I work Monday through Friday from 8 am to 5 pm. Some weeks from 6:30am to 3:30 pm.

AND! I go to auditions during the day sometimes. Today for instance, I had a commercial audition. Last week, I had an audition for a new crime drama and on Friday I had a commercial audition. You may ask, "How do I do that when I have a full time job?" Well, let me tell you. It ain't easy, bucko!

You may remember in an earlier blog this week I touched on friends with significant others and children and me with none of those things. This may offer some insight: I'm pooped! I go to the auditions, but then I go back to my office in downtown Los Angeles and I go back to work (I started to type that I go back to sleep! That's how tired I am). I claim those auditions as my lunch hour. But this being Los Angeles and there being tons of traffic at any given moment in any given place without any rhyme or reason, I could be gone longer than an hour. What do I do in those instances? I work later or I come in earlier in anticipation of the audition that day. Today, I was lucky. I was only gone for 1 hour and 10 minutes. But there have been times when I've been gone for 2 to 3 hours!  My boss isn't too happy about those. But then sometimes, she doesn't even notice.

So tonight, I watch TV and veg..Oh! I almost forgot. I have a theater audition in Thousand Oaks Sunday afternoon so I will have to work on that some. In between working out at the gym and doing laundry, grocery shopping for the coming week and washing the car. And I should probably do some house cleaning too. Well, my weekend is gone. See you next week!