A Look Back at 2017

On New Years, people make lists. They look back at the last year and list their top 10s or just reflect on the highs and lows of the past year and make resolutions or perhaps set goals for the next year.

I am not one for making New Years' resolutions.  Why use the first of a new year as a reason to make changes or improvement in my life?  It should be ongoing.  Right? However, the end of the year can't help but make you reflect on the past year. And so much has changed in my life this past year, I do want to take stock of where I was and where I am.

I spent all of 2017 working in the theater. And I got to play a variety of roles in various genres. I started the year playing (don't laugh!) Cornelius Hackl in Hello Dolly. The reason you may be hearing about for the first time here is because it was for a one-weekend only church benefit cast mostly with church regulars and I was one of the pros brought into the production.  You may scoff at me playing Cornelius at my age but based on the age of the other actors, it worked and I got to check off a dream role from my bucket list. Cornelius is the heart and sole of this show and I got sing a beautiful, ballad, dance and show off my comedy skills.

I went straight from Hello Dolly to 42nd Street at the Candlelight Pavilion Dinner Theatre in Claremont.  I had a great time working there and may some new friendships that have lasted beyond the run of that show. I played Pat Denning and while not a huge role and once again I was back in a musical in an almost non-singing role, Pat Denning sings about 16 bars of one song. But he does play a pivotal part in the plot as Dorothy Brock's love.  I played opposite the wonderful Sarah Meals as Dorothy and I know I'll be back to Candlelight in the future.

While performing in 42nd Street, I began rehearsals for Hello Again, the musical which I directed at Chromolume Theatre in the spring. It was a big challenge. Not only is it rarely produced but it is the compete opposite of a Broadway blockbuster like the previous two shows.  And as is typical of me, I had some pretty serious doubts that I could pull it off. But I did.

While in rehearsals for Hello Again, I heard from two other theaters in town asking if I would be interested in auditioning for their upcoming shows. Crown City Theatre in North Hollywood was producing an original play written by one of their Co-Artistic Directors. Somewhere in the Middle was a comedy-drama about a Jewish-Catholic family whose college-age daughter brings home a black, Palestinian, Muslim fiancé to meet the family on Passover. Think Norman Lear 1970s sitcom. I played the father and I loved being able to play a straight role as the patriarch of a family.  We got great reviews and extended for a couple weekends.

And finally, I was asked to audition for the part of the Old Man in a stage adaptation of A Christmas Story, not the musical recently seen on FOX, but a straight play based on Jean Shepherd's stories. We opened in mid-November and closed on New Years Eve. The show was amazing. We sold out almost the entire run. The set, props and costumes were all top notch and the reviews were all raves. And best of all I had a role that was a real showcase for my talents. It was probably the most physically demanding role I have ever had. I was constantly out of breath backstage early in the run but as the run progressed, I noticed I wasn't as out of breath. And I lost some weight. Like seriously, my pants are hanging off of me.

And next, to start 2018, I return to one of my favorite roles of all time, Harold in The Full Monty, opening January 26 at San Diego Music Theatre and running through February 25. I start rehearsals tomorrow. Its a great to start the new year.

As I look back at last year, one word comes to mind...GRATEFUL. Look at the parts I played this year. All very different. Big budget musicals, small family dramas and comedies. I got to stretch my acting muscles and play so many different roles.

But the biggest step I took this year was quitting my job of 11 years so I could focus on my acting. Scary. Risky. Some might say Bold, maybe even crazy. Time will tell. I am scared but I also know that if I want to make a living as an actor, I need to focus on that and nothing else.

My goal this year is to book some co-stars on TV. I'm already off to a decent start with some auditions in the last couple of months. Based on the words listed at the top of this blog, what shows would you cast me in? Let me know in the comments section of this blog.

Thanks and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It's been three weeks! What am I doing with my life?

In my last blog, I shared that I had left my job of 11 years.  My last day on the job was June 30.  Today marks three full weeks since leaving the job. What have I been doing with myself since then?
Not a damn thing. Well, that's a slight exaggeration. I have been out hiking in the hills and I've taken my bike out on a couple of rides on the beach and along the LA River. And I've been going to the gym.

And last week was spent in my hometown of Albany, NY visiting family, which means I went to Saratoga Race Track and Lake George.

Saratoga Race Track Opening Day

I have managed to roll over my retirement plan to an IRA and I have elected options for dental and eye care plans. But I still have not figured out the health care.  I did manage to go online to the Obamacare site and to the CA State site and look around at all the options. Its overwhelming! And as soon as I put in my personal information, my phone starts ringing off the hook with calls from sales reps trying to sell me insurance plans.  Within 5 minutes of putting in my info, the phone rang. And while I was on that call, the phone was ringing with another. I told the guy I wanted to research on the Internet and decide what I wanted. I hung up. Within the next 40 minutes, the phone rang several times. I continued getting calls every day through this past Friday. Today is the first weekday that it hasn't rung. Phew!


In the meantime, how is the acting career going? Well, I have the play I'm rehearsing. But we're off for the month of July so I'm on my own learning lines. Although I managed to get 2 of my 5 co-stars over to run lines one night. I'm interviewing for a directing job tonight. And I met the Artistic Director of another theater 10 days ago about directing and/or acting there next season.

But other than that...cricket. cricket. Hello? McFly?  Is anybody there? This is what happens. I take time off so I can have the freedom to go to more auditions and not a single audition since I left the job. My last one was two days before I left the job.

I have no income at this point. But I do have a savings account. And there is the IRA. And I rolled over my retirement plan into an IRA to make it easier to access the funds IF NEED BE. its only for emergencies. But its there. So I'm not panicking. At the same time, I am worried. Because, well...there's no income!! And I am a worrier. This is tough.  One of the reasons I've worked full time is because I need the daily structure in my life. Being freelance feels weird. Like I'm skipping school! "What's he doing home in the middle of the day?" "Why does that man have to time to be hiking during a work day?" Those are the voices in my head talking to me.

I've got a couple jobs I've applied for online. And I'll be spending the next couple weeks applying for more. Ideally looking for a couple of part time jobs to give me enough to live off of.  Till then, I'm writing and learning lines. And submitting myself for everything that sounds remotely possible for me.

The Next Chapter

I've been keeping this one to myself...mostly.  As of two days ago, it became official. I am no longer employed full-time. Now this news is likely to concern some people. But the simple truth of the matter is I was miserable. Absolutely, 100%, out of my mind, trapped like a rat in a maze I couldn't get out of and afraid if I didn't do something soon I would crack and lose it miserable. There were some very, VERY low times in the last few years. I had to get out of there.  And after years of contemplating, debating, discussing, threatening, ruminating, I finally took the step and gave my notice about two and half months ago.

Friday, I left my job of nearly 11 years. That's the longest I've worked anywhere and its been great for me financially. I've put some money away. I've got a nice retirement plan/401(k). I have a nice car. I live in a nice place and typically don't have to worry about my expenses. For all of that, I am extremely grateful. But my mental state was not good.

I moved here from NYC to further pursue my acting career on TV and in film. And when I came here I told myself, if I didn't succeed as an actor then come hell or high water I would work in the entertainment industry no matter what. So, how did I end up working in Legal Compliance for a large finance firm in downtown LA? First off, I wasn't aware that anyone moved to LA for anything other than TV or film. I mean why move here. That's all that's here, right?

So I came. I started temping almost immediately and was placed at one of the big studios. I got an agent. I went out on commercial auditions. I did theater. I did some really (And I mean REALLY) low budget movies. I temped at that studio for well over two years. And then it came to an end, but I was immediately called by another temp agency that saw my resume online and was placed within days of leaving my last temp assignment at the studio at a finance firm in Pasadena for two weeks. It lasted over three months. And then the day after that assignment ended, another agency called that also found my resume online. The next day I went to their office and registered and the following day interviewed at the finance firm downtown and two days later started as a temp. And here I am 11 years and three promotions later....burnt out.

You see at the same time, I was working in the theater...almost constantly. In two or three shows a year.  And also going out on commercial and TV auditions. In recent years, its been tough to juggle. I'll go out on an audition during the work day and usually I'm back within an hour and a half. But every once in a while, I'm gone two hours, two and half hours. And every once in a while, my boss would notice and call me in wanting to know where I was. Stress. Anxiety. Anyone who knows me knows I can't handle a) stress, b) people not liking me and c) not being a perfect worker/employee/son/student/brother etc. I have to be perfect always, the good boy, the one who follows the rules and never does anything wrong. I cannot make mistakes, ever! It's a lot of pressure.

So take all this into an audition and well, you get the picture.  As I sit there in the waiting room, I'm checking the clock. Why is this taking so long? NO! Don't take a bathroom break. I have to get back to work! What if I get stuck in bad traffic? How will I explain myself?

I don't need that energy at an audition. Now, I'll be honest, once I'm in the audition room, I leave all that outside.  But as soon as I am out that door, I am OUT that door.  The stress of trying to juggle the full-time job and the auditions was too much. Now, I may go weeks without an issue but then I'll go through a stretch where I may have a couple of weeks with multiple auditions and me coming and going from work. Not so great. And lastly, I'm not 22 anymore! I'm exhausted all the time.

I need some rest. I need to relax and I need to give myself some time to prepare for each audition.
I'm not independently wealthy and I will need to find another way to support myself. But at this point, I'm looking for something part-time so I can have some flexibility.  I don't know what it will be just yet. I may open a store, or a franchise, or maybe work as a professional organizer. I'd like to teach acting to kids. Or maybe I'll just work as a barista at Starbucks. Who knows?

So if any of you know of a job or want to hire someone for some work around the house, let me know. I'm available.

Grateful for What I Have

A couple of nights ago, something came to me. I don't know where it came from, but it hit me out of nowhere. I am grateful. Yes. Despite everything, I am grateful for the things I do have in my life.

I have had a couple of recent experiences in which someone has contacted me and asked me to be in a show. Me, the guy who recently complained about not being liked enough, the guy who feels alone and unappreciated. I've been contacted a few times to either be in or audition for a show.  So maybe my therapist is right, people do like me and think I'm talented.

I have a job. I hate it. I mean I really I hate it! To the point where I spend every day fantasizing about the day I quit. BUT it pays my bills. I live in a nice apartment by myself. I drive a nice car. I pay all my bills on time. I have money in the bank. I go on trips. I have a retirement plan. All because of this job that I really truly hate.  But again, it struck me the other day. I am lucky to have it. I am thankful.

I may spend most of my free time sitting in my apartment by myself and sometimes I feel as if I'm alone. But that's on me. If I reach out, there are people there for me.

Let's face it, and there isn't a day that I don't think about this, there are so many people out there who have it much worse than me. People with real problems. I fell guilty complaining about my things. But we all have things. We're all insecure in some way about something. And there you have another one of my things..I discount everything I feel. I don't complain or speak out because my problems don't matter when compared to others. I'm healthy. I have a job. I have a nice life. I'm not homeless. I'm not sick or dying from some disease. So I keep my issues to myself. Not good either.

So bottom line, I have problems. They effect me. I need to acknowledge them. I need to reach out to others. I'm not alone. If I let others in, I'll find that I am liked maybe even loved. And there is nothing wrong with reaching out. We all need support. I've spent a lifetime keeping everything in because I don't want to bother others. But...I have it good. I appreciate what I have.

And speaking of which, this coming week I am off to Australia and New Zealand for two weeks. I can't wait! I couldn't do that without the cursed job! Stay tuned for more.

Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I get depressed. No, really depressed. I feel like I'm all alone. There is no one here for me. I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. I'm just drifting through life. No place to go. Nothing to do.

I do like my alone time and at my age I've grown used to it. But sometimes, it gets to me. When I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. When I stop and think that no one has called me in ages. When I think about the future. When I think about my day job that I absolutely hate but I have no idea what I would do if I were to quit.  And sometimes it all adds up and gets me super depressed.
And the the lack of auditions also causes me to lose confidence in my abilities as an actor. My friends on facebook are impressed with how much I do, but in my mind it's not enough. Its never enough. I'm a failure.  I'm always acting in something. Well, yes, but its not Broadway. Its not a part on a big network TV show. I'm not making a living at this.

Then I start thinking I'm not that good at this. I'll take a class for instance and there are other people in the class better than me. So clearly I'm not the best and therefore I am not loved nor liked. I'm a hack, an amateur. I'm untalented. The other actors don't have respect for or admire me.

There were times when I was younger, I would be surprised that fellow cast mates or classmates would praise me and love and laugh at everything I did. I felt like I wasn't even trying.  I didn't earn it. I couldn't understand why they liked me so much.

Is it because I'm older now? I'm not young and so I'm not cool. (BTW: I was never cool!) Maybe because I'm older, younger cast mates, etc think I'm unapproachable or I'm older and therefore secure and confident and don't need to be praised. Or why hang out with me? I'm too old. Believe me, it's not true. I'm just as insecure and lacking in self-confidence as I have ever been.

I'm thinking about not only quitting my job, but getting out of pursuing acting as a career. I'm also thinking I don't want to be in Los Angeles anymore. I don't think I like it here. The weather is nice. It's better then the Northeast, where I'm from. But where would I go? I miss NYC sometimes, but what would I do if I moved back there? And my hometown area, Albany, NY? Not crazy about the winters. And again, what would I do?

Maybe if there were someone in my life to share my life with, I would feel better about myself. Or even the feeling of a real sense of family among a group of friends. But I have none of that.

My therapist says it's good to share or to disclose your feelings so that is what I am doing here. Will this surprise some of you who know me? Perhaps. I do tend to not let on. I think you would be surprised how often and how deep this goes.  Full Disclosure: it's been really bad at times. Really bad. Not right now, but in the past.

I need a change. That's for certain. And perhaps being in class will strengthen my confidence. But right now, I'm not in a good place. This too shall pass. It always does. As soon as I book another acting gig it will probably pass. :)

Survival Jobs

I'm an actor. Did you know that? I am. And being an actor, I have spent a great deal of my adult life working survival jobs.

Mostly, day jobs in offices. I temped for many years in a variety of offices in a variety of fields. Every once in a while I decide that I need health care and a steady paycheck so I accept the full-time job and stay a while.

For many years, (my 20s), I worked in retail. I briefly attempted to live in New York City and pursue an acting career. I went through all my money in a couple of months. I refused to get a full-time job and only took part-time jobs that didn't pay enough. I hated the insecurity and I had no confidence in myself. I ran home to Albany, NY and my parents house and went right back into retail.

I did local theater at night. One show after another. Whenever and wherever. My retail career began to flourish. Eventually, I ended up as a buyer for a local chain of department stores. And I was really good at it. I liked it. But it was a small company and the pay was not great. My dream was to work Saks Fifth Avenue or Lord & Taylor. But then, I realized that the pressure of the corporate world would be too much.

And where I worked in Schenectady was too small time for me. I did not want to stay in Schenectady. All that time, something kept pulling at me. You have to go back to New York. Besides, the store I was working for was on its last legs. It went under about a year after I left.

So I went to NYC, but not without a job. I was a store manager for The Gap in Flushing Queens for just over a year. And then I burned out. I quit and I lost my rent controlled apartment in Kew Gardens in the same week. No job. No place to live. And in debt.

I started temping. I joined a theatre company on the East Side in Manhattan. After a few temp assignments, I ended up taking a job in the production department of the Public Finance division at Moody's Investors Service.  I took voice lessons, casting workshops, built up my resume at St. Bart's Playhouse. Eventually, I quit my full-time job and went back to temping and started getting acting work.

I briefly tried other jobs, telemarketing selling book clubs for Weekly Reader, working at men's store in SoHo... I lasted there less than a day. I walked out for lunch and didn't go back. I believe that's what they call job abandonment. I temped at a jewelry wholesaler in the Village for a few weeks where the people in the department were at war with another and putting me in the middle. I asked to be taken off that assignment.

I temped a few days a week. I worked in the men's department at Bloomingdale's nights and weekends. I auditioned. I got acting gigs. I came back to town and temped. I did long-time gigs in the Advertising Sales department at The New Yorker, the production department at Conde Nast Publishing and a couple of assignments at The NFL, which became my next full-time job when I decided it was high time I fixed the hernia I had been walking around with for about five years. I stayed there for four years while also working part-time in a couple of Broadway - NYC gift shops in the theatre district. Worked a Christmas at Lord & Taylor. Got out of debt. Lived on my own in Washington Heights. Got my Equity card. But things got stale, so I moved to Los Angeles.

More temping during the day and theater at night. A couple of years at Disney and then a couple of financial firms until I ended up in the compliance department at The Capital Group Companies in downtown LA.

I've been there almost ten years.

I've never waited tables, or tended bar or tutored or gone back to school to get licensed to do massage therapy or real estate. Just temped in offices. And I gotta tell ya, I love the benefits and the that fact that I have a pretty decent quality of life. And I do get to do theatre.

It works for me. I'm comfortable. Its not for everyone.

What do you do for survival jobs? Tell me about your worst survival jobs.