It's been three weeks! What am I doing with my life?

In my last blog, I shared that I had left my job of 11 years.  My last day on the job was June 30.  Today marks three full weeks since leaving the job. What have I been doing with myself since then?
Not a damn thing. Well, that's a slight exaggeration. I have been out hiking in the hills and I've taken my bike out on a couple of rides on the beach and along the LA River. And I've been going to the gym.

And last week was spent in my hometown of Albany, NY visiting family, which means I went to Saratoga Race Track and Lake George.

Saratoga Race Track Opening Day

I have managed to roll over my retirement plan to an IRA and I have elected options for dental and eye care plans. But I still have not figured out the health care.  I did manage to go online to the Obamacare site and to the CA State site and look around at all the options. Its overwhelming! And as soon as I put in my personal information, my phone starts ringing off the hook with calls from sales reps trying to sell me insurance plans.  Within 5 minutes of putting in my info, the phone rang. And while I was on that call, the phone was ringing with another. I told the guy I wanted to research on the Internet and decide what I wanted. I hung up. Within the next 40 minutes, the phone rang several times. I continued getting calls every day through this past Friday. Today is the first weekday that it hasn't rung. Phew!


In the meantime, how is the acting career going? Well, I have the play I'm rehearsing. But we're off for the month of July so I'm on my own learning lines. Although I managed to get 2 of my 5 co-stars over to run lines one night. I'm interviewing for a directing job tonight. And I met the Artistic Director of another theater 10 days ago about directing and/or acting there next season.

But other than that...cricket. cricket. Hello? McFly?  Is anybody there? This is what happens. I take time off so I can have the freedom to go to more auditions and not a single audition since I left the job. My last one was two days before I left the job.

I have no income at this point. But I do have a savings account. And there is the IRA. And I rolled over my retirement plan into an IRA to make it easier to access the funds IF NEED BE. its only for emergencies. But its there. So I'm not panicking. At the same time, I am worried. Because, well...there's no income!! And I am a worrier. This is tough.  One of the reasons I've worked full time is because I need the daily structure in my life. Being freelance feels weird. Like I'm skipping school! "What's he doing home in the middle of the day?" "Why does that man have to time to be hiking during a work day?" Those are the voices in my head talking to me.

I've got a couple jobs I've applied for online. And I'll be spending the next couple weeks applying for more. Ideally looking for a couple of part time jobs to give me enough to live off of.  Till then, I'm writing and learning lines. And submitting myself for everything that sounds remotely possible for me.

Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I get depressed. No, really depressed. I feel like I'm all alone. There is no one here for me. I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. I'm just drifting through life. No place to go. Nothing to do.

I do like my alone time and at my age I've grown used to it. But sometimes, it gets to me. When I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. When I stop and think that no one has called me in ages. When I think about the future. When I think about my day job that I absolutely hate but I have no idea what I would do if I were to quit.  And sometimes it all adds up and gets me super depressed.
And the the lack of auditions also causes me to lose confidence in my abilities as an actor. My friends on facebook are impressed with how much I do, but in my mind it's not enough. Its never enough. I'm a failure.  I'm always acting in something. Well, yes, but its not Broadway. Its not a part on a big network TV show. I'm not making a living at this.

Then I start thinking I'm not that good at this. I'll take a class for instance and there are other people in the class better than me. So clearly I'm not the best and therefore I am not loved nor liked. I'm a hack, an amateur. I'm untalented. The other actors don't have respect for or admire me.

There were times when I was younger, I would be surprised that fellow cast mates or classmates would praise me and love and laugh at everything I did. I felt like I wasn't even trying.  I didn't earn it. I couldn't understand why they liked me so much.

Is it because I'm older now? I'm not young and so I'm not cool. (BTW: I was never cool!) Maybe because I'm older, younger cast mates, etc think I'm unapproachable or I'm older and therefore secure and confident and don't need to be praised. Or why hang out with me? I'm too old. Believe me, it's not true. I'm just as insecure and lacking in self-confidence as I have ever been.

I'm thinking about not only quitting my job, but getting out of pursuing acting as a career. I'm also thinking I don't want to be in Los Angeles anymore. I don't think I like it here. The weather is nice. It's better then the Northeast, where I'm from. But where would I go? I miss NYC sometimes, but what would I do if I moved back there? And my hometown area, Albany, NY? Not crazy about the winters. And again, what would I do?

Maybe if there were someone in my life to share my life with, I would feel better about myself. Or even the feeling of a real sense of family among a group of friends. But I have none of that.

My therapist says it's good to share or to disclose your feelings so that is what I am doing here. Will this surprise some of you who know me? Perhaps. I do tend to not let on. I think you would be surprised how often and how deep this goes.  Full Disclosure: it's been really bad at times. Really bad. Not right now, but in the past.

I need a change. That's for certain. And perhaps being in class will strengthen my confidence. But right now, I'm not in a good place. This too shall pass. It always does. As soon as I book another acting gig it will probably pass. :)

Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving week. Not just the day itself, but the week. Why? Because it means a day off in the middle of the week. It means we get to leave work a couple of hours early on Wednesday. It also means that even though I will go into work on Friday, half the office will be out of the office and it will be quiet and more relaxed. That's why!

I have plans for Thanksgiving Day. I usually go to a friend's house. She and her husband have lovely outdoor entertaining area and we eat outside. And later when the sun sets and it cools off, we sit around the fie pit and maybe play games. It's nice.

And in recent years, I have hosted a Thanksgiving Eve game night at my place so that makes the holiday even more special. Better than the years when I would stay home by myself and sulk, maybe binge watch some TV. Sometimes on Thanksgiving Day, I would go out and get dinner at a drive through...El Pollo Loco. One year, I even went into Kmart just because I was curious to see who would be shopping on Thanksgiving Day. It got me out of the house.

My family is all back in Albany, NY. I live in Los Angeles. I have lived here for 12 years now. I have not been back for Thanksgiving since I moved to LA. I do go back for Christmas. Before that I lived in New York City for 13 and a half years.  When I lived in NYC, I went home every Thanksgiving, except the the couple of years that I was working acting jobs on the road. And there were two years when I decided to stay in NYC for Thanksgiving. That was so much fun.

The first time, I was sharing an apartment on the Upper West Side, and the night before my friend Bruin came over and he and I went to a local bar that was on the UWS in the 1990s called The Works on Columbus Ave right behind the Museum of Natural History. The streets all around the area here is where all the floats and balloons for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade are assembled and blown up the night before. And the area is mobbed with people walking around checking them out. My friend Brian worked at The Capezio Store on Broadway over the Winter Garden Theatre and on Thanksgiving morning they hosted a pot luck brunch for employees, family and friends where you could watch the parade. It was awesome because we were on the second floor and it was all windows facing Broadway. It was kind of a gloomy day and we were inside and eye level with all the celebrities on the floats. Really great. After, we went to see a showing of Aladdin at the Loew's down the block from our apartment and then went to a diner on Amsterdam that served Turkey Dinner. It was the best.

10 years later, I did it again with my friend Mark, minus the parade and we ate at Virgil's BBQ in Times Square. I decided not to go home until the day after Thanksgiving. I wanted to be there for my friend Mark who was not going home because he was going to work the day after Thanksgiving (he waited tables at Orso). And it gave me an excuse to not go home.  To be honest I didn't like spending the holidays with my sister's in laws. I just wanted to celebrate with my family. I don't want strangers there. I want just my family. No strangers. Yes, I'm a big baby.

So I went home the day after Thanksgiving and spent the rest of the weekend in Albany with my family. My cousin and his new wife were visiting from England, so I got to meet her. It also turned out to be the last time I would see my father. I had no way of knowing that at the time. He wasn't close to death. But about two weeks later, he had a heart attack and died. Made me wish I had gone home for Thanksgiving Day.

I know there's no sense in running things like that over in your head...If only I'd gone back for that Thanksgiving Day, I would have had another day with him. I was there. Just a day later. That's what counts. He did see me. Imagine if I hadn't gone home at all? I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.

Ghosts of Halloweens Past

I recently attended a luncheon meeting with a new manager at work. It was a get to know you lunch for the whole department. To break the ice, she asked that we go around the table and share our favorite Halloween costume as a kid.

I had to think about this for a while. My favorite Halloween costume growing up? I can't say that I have one. I also could only remember three.  When I was a kid, I don't remember people making elaborate or clever costumes. Pretty much all I remember were those Ben Cooper costumes you could buy at the drug, toy or department store. You know the ones that came in a box with a window in it that showed the plastic mask and the body of the costume was some sort of synthetic material with the costume printed on it.

Baby Boomers and Gen X-ers all wore those. All I could remember was being Secret Squirrel in First Grade one year and Superman in Second Grade.  And then in Fifth Grade, my parents decided to make us original costumes. I was a hippie and my sister Debbie was a Hula dance. My youngest sister, Wendy, was a princess of some sort. She was still in a Ben Cooper. I guess she was too young to have a homemade costume! 

Oh my God! Those Ben Cooper costumes! The plastic mask with the holes for eyes and the slit for a mouth. Remember trying to breathe in those things? I can remember how you were basically breather on yourself. The hot breath sometimes causing a fog, especially if it was cold outside, (which it usually was in late October after dark in Albany, NY). 

Look at that handiwork! That's me on the right...the tall one. I'm wearing a cowboy hat and my mother's fall (the 1960s version of extensions for women with short hair), a white t-shirt over a darker long sleeve t-shirt, a white vest made of vinyl with brown contact paper made to look like a cow hide, and a medallion. And then one of my teeth is blacked out and I've got stubble make up on my face. Excellent!

As for my Dad's costumes, this was just the beginning. They got more elaborate. The following year for my sister Debbie, he made a Smiley Face costume. Two pieces of plywood, cut in a bug circle and fitted together with a couple of 2x4s(?) and then it slid over her heard and she held on to the 2x4s I think. Big and clunky. But clever and different.

The year after that, he re-purposed it. He cut into a wedge and repainted it, added cotton to the edges and it was a slice of pizza. Less bulky. Still awkward. Better her than me!

I don't ever remember having another home made costume after that one. I believe from that point on, I was a hobo. When I was growing up, once you hit pre-adolescence, you were too cool for a costume but you still wanted candy, so everyone from age 12 - 14 went out as a hobo. All that meant was you went out in a t-shirt or flannel shirt an jeans and carried a pillow case for candy.  Boom! instant hobo!

Getting back to the meeting. I was thinking, "What do I answer when it gets to me?" I was towards the end of the table so I knew I'd be one of the last to go. So I'm thinking I'll mention Secret Squirrel. I knew I would probably have to explain that one to most in the room.  One of my managers says hobo. Yes! Me too!  Then my supervisor says....Secret Squirrel. I couldn't believe it! How crazy is that? Random. But then she and I are the same age so not so much. I was practically epileptic! I was the next in the room, so I pretty much just piggy backed her. That was my answer too!

For those of you who don't know, Secret Squirrel was a Saturday morning Hanna-Barbera cartoon in the late 1960s. He was part of the Atom Ant Show. And he was basically a squirrel that was a spy and he looked like this...

But I have to wonder, why can't I remember any of my other Halloween costumes? Were those my favorites? Did I block the others out because I didn't like them?  If so, what does that say about me? Superman, Secret Squirrel and a Hippie. Well, the hippie obviously because it was so elaborate..well for the time...well for us.  And it could be that I actually have a picture of that one and none of the others.

Superman and Secret Squirrel were both superheroes in a way and both had secret identities. Was I hiding something too? Did I have a secret identity. Or was it merely wish fulfillment? I need to hide behind a mask or secret identity not wanting to deal with my true identity? Hmmm...alright! Don't read anything into it. They were just costumes. 

Happy Halloween!