Sixteen Years and it seems like another lifetime

My friend Gary re-posted a blog he wrote last year about the events following 9/11 in which he tagged me. It got me to thinking about that day and everything that transpired.  He was among my close group of friends in New York. We spent the next few days following the attack on the World Trade Center in each other's company.

I remember the morning of September, 11, 2001 was a beautiful clear, early fall day.  I worked full-time at the NFL as an administrative assistant and was also pursuing my acting career on the stage. It was a Tuesday morning so I had to be at work at 9am. But there was also an Equity Principal Audition (EPA) for the York Theatre Company's 2001-2002 season at their theater at St. Peter's Church art Citicorp on the corner of Lexington and 54th. The NFL office was on Park Avenue between 48th and 49th streets at that time.

My plan was to get in line for the EPA at York good and early, get an appointment for lunch time, then go to work and go to the audition on my lunch break. In NYC for Equity auditions, you typically have to be in line very early in the morning in order to get an appointment sometime later that day.  We stood in line outside until the building was opened and then we proceed to go inside and down the elevator to the theater level. Once there, the line wind its way from the lobby, into the door to the theatre in the back row of the house and wound through each row of the auditorium and out the door at the from of the house back into the hallway off the lobby where the Equity monitor was set up at a table with the sign up sheet for the days auditions.

So here is the picture: a 144-seat black box theatre under a church in a modern high rise complex in mid-town Manhattan filled with actors standing in a line that weaves through each row of the theatre. Someone in the line has a radio of some sort (this is before iPods) and announces to the room that a place has hit one of the towers downtown. I immediately picture a little Cessna where maybe the pilot has passed out or had a heart attack and lost control of the plane (just like in Airport 1975) and hit the side of the building.

About 15 minutes later, we get word that another plane has hit the second tower. Someone in the room says, "We're being attacked!" A few people yell at him for suggesting such a thing. What an asshole. Way to make people panic, etc...

Then other's start checking to verify the info. It's true. Mind you, the line is progressing through all of this. A few people run out to check on their loved ones. I stay in line as it moves forward. I get my appointment time for later that day and leave. I head to work.

I walk up to Park Avenue and turn left towards downtown. Wherever there is a storefront with TV monitors in the windows, there are people gathered around watching it unfold. The towers are still standing at the point. When you look towards downtown, you can see the smoke in the sky.

I get to my office and sit down at my desk and start my usual Tuesday morning routine. I was responsible for sending credentials to all those who work games that are offsite, like umpires (who are local hires).  I go about my day. All the execs have TVs in their offices. The TVs are on in everyone's offices.  At one point, we receive an email blast that at 10: something we are all to go to the main conference room on our respective floors where someone from upper management would speak to us.

The conference room has a big projection screen on one wall. Its tuned in to the live coverage. As we are all standing there waiting for the Commissioner to come in and speak to us, we watch one of the towers go down on live television.  Now I honestly don't remember at this point if that was the first or second tower we saw go down. I'm guessing it may have been the second one. This meeting had probably been called after the first one went down.

We watched in horror. I still remember Lisa Hatter getting on the phone trying to get one of the attorneys she worked for on the phone. He had gotten in a taxi to go get his wife who was in one of the towers trying to make her way out. She didn't make it.

Everything was shut down. We were stuck there. No public transportation in or out of Manhattan. The subways were shut down. I lived in Manhattan but way up in Washington Heights. An email was sen tout asking who lived in Manhattan and might be willing to let employees stay at their place if they couldn't get home that night.

I got a few emails from friends and family back home checking in to see if I was okay. I was fine. I was doing my job like I would any day. Because at this point, the NFL had not made a decision about that weekend's games, and wouldn't for another two days.

So I sat there working until finally at some point in the afternoon, it was announced that some of the subway lines were opened. I left and went home to my empty apartment on this beautiful sunny day. And I turned on the TV. There was no cell service because the cell towers were on top of the Twin Towed. Fortunately, in 2001 cell phones were not as ubiquitous as they are now. I had only owned one for about 5 months and barely even used it.

All channels were using the CBS 2 feed because unlike all the other major NYC channels, CBS had their tower on The Empire State Building. So essentially, everyone was using CBS's feed that day. I sat there watching as Building & went down on live TV. There was nothing else on TV. The only thing to watch was the events unfolding.  My friends invited me to an impromptu service at their church on the Upper West Side. I declined because I'm uncomfortable in churches and with sermons.

So I stayed home, by myself. At one point I couldn't take it anymore and I turned off the TV and went outside for a walk. But even there I saw reminders. It was in the air for God's sake. I also lived about 3 and a half blocks from the George Washington Bridge which was all lit up like Cinderella's Castle at Walt Disney World at night. There were helicopters over head and military vehicles at either end. There was no escaping it.

Wednesday, everything was closed.  None of us had to go into work that day. However, the EPA for the York Theater which was cancelled on Tuesday, would be happening on Wednesday and they would be honoring your appointment time from Tuesday on Wednesday. So I went to that. It was empty. Mid-town Manhattan was somewhat empty with only some restaurants and cafes  open for tourists that were in town. Everything else? Closed.

I went back up to Washington Heights and met up with my friends Gary, Tracy and Mark. We wanted to hang out but there wasn't much to do but watch the events on TV. I couldn't take that. I needed a break. I suggested we go outside for a walk. So we did. We walked up from Fort Tryon Park in Washington Heights in to Inwood Park and then back down. As we were headed back down to Washington Heights, we detected a smell in the air. A sort of burning smell. Someone said it was from the Towers. I said that was impossible, we were too far away. As walked further down, I realized they were right. The winds were blowing in our direction. That's exactly what it was.

The next day Thursday, back to work.  However, there was a bomb scare around lunch time and we had to evacuate. There were reports of bomb scares around Grand Central, Penn Station, Rockefeller Center and The Empire State Building. When we walked outside, we could see at least three other buildings nears being evacuated.  My boss told me to just go home. I called Tracy and told her what was happening. She was afraid to take the subway by herself so we had gone to work together that morning. I waited for her so we could meet and ride home together.

I was scheduled to leave for a trip to London on Monday the 17th. My friend Mark called immediately after the attack on the 11th and told me to cancel my trip.  I said no. That was silly. I would wait and see what played out over the next few days before making my decision. On Saturday, air travel returned to the United States and I would be able to make my trip on Monday to London. But at this point, I was scared at what world events might unfurl while I was there. What if London was attacked? What if the US declare war on whoever was responsible and I was stuck oil a foreign country away from my family and friends. So I cancelled my trip.

I went to Albany, NY and visited my family for a week instead. A couple weeks alter, I turned 40. A couple months after that, my father was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). My friend  Mark and I decided to move to Los Angeles. Eventually, I moved to LA on my own. But turning 40, my dad's death and 9/11 were the main contributing factors. What was I waiting for? Life is too short. Go for it!

I have now been her e over 14 years. That's longer than I loved in NYC. And now NYC seems like another lifetime. Was that ever really my life? Did that really happen? It did. And every year on 9/11, I am reminded of that day and my life in NYC and my friends. Tracy, Gary, Mark, Jason (who moved to Baltimore only one week before the attack), Noelle, Michael and Peter. Tracy and Peter are the only ones of us left in NYC. I see them whenever I go back to NYC. I miss them. But I think this was the right move.

Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I get depressed. No, really depressed. I feel like I'm all alone. There is no one here for me. I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. I'm just drifting through life. No place to go. Nothing to do.

I do like my alone time and at my age I've grown used to it. But sometimes, it gets to me. When I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. When I stop and think that no one has called me in ages. When I think about the future. When I think about my day job that I absolutely hate but I have no idea what I would do if I were to quit.  And sometimes it all adds up and gets me super depressed.
And the the lack of auditions also causes me to lose confidence in my abilities as an actor. My friends on facebook are impressed with how much I do, but in my mind it's not enough. Its never enough. I'm a failure.  I'm always acting in something. Well, yes, but its not Broadway. Its not a part on a big network TV show. I'm not making a living at this.

Then I start thinking I'm not that good at this. I'll take a class for instance and there are other people in the class better than me. So clearly I'm not the best and therefore I am not loved nor liked. I'm a hack, an amateur. I'm untalented. The other actors don't have respect for or admire me.

There were times when I was younger, I would be surprised that fellow cast mates or classmates would praise me and love and laugh at everything I did. I felt like I wasn't even trying.  I didn't earn it. I couldn't understand why they liked me so much.

Is it because I'm older now? I'm not young and so I'm not cool. (BTW: I was never cool!) Maybe because I'm older, younger cast mates, etc think I'm unapproachable or I'm older and therefore secure and confident and don't need to be praised. Or why hang out with me? I'm too old. Believe me, it's not true. I'm just as insecure and lacking in self-confidence as I have ever been.

I'm thinking about not only quitting my job, but getting out of pursuing acting as a career. I'm also thinking I don't want to be in Los Angeles anymore. I don't think I like it here. The weather is nice. It's better then the Northeast, where I'm from. But where would I go? I miss NYC sometimes, but what would I do if I moved back there? And my hometown area, Albany, NY? Not crazy about the winters. And again, what would I do?

Maybe if there were someone in my life to share my life with, I would feel better about myself. Or even the feeling of a real sense of family among a group of friends. But I have none of that.

My therapist says it's good to share or to disclose your feelings so that is what I am doing here. Will this surprise some of you who know me? Perhaps. I do tend to not let on. I think you would be surprised how often and how deep this goes.  Full Disclosure: it's been really bad at times. Really bad. Not right now, but in the past.

I need a change. That's for certain. And perhaps being in class will strengthen my confidence. But right now, I'm not in a good place. This too shall pass. It always does. As soon as I book another acting gig it will probably pass. :)

How Much "I" is "TM"?

As I sit at my computer every day pondering what to write about, I often debate how personal I want to get.  How much of my personal life or feelings do I want to share? I know many people use social media to express their feelings on any myriad of subjects. Sometimes a heated debate may ensue in the threads, people disagree, feelings are hurt, and friends are "unfriended" even blocked.

I have always made it a point to keep my social media posts free of my personal views or feelings mainly to avoid the above from happening and also because of my overwhelming need to be liked. I cannot handle people not liking me. I can't offend or disagree with people because they may not like me as a result. There. I just shared something personal about myself.

Others use social media to post pictures of their family and their travels or to share funny pictures stories etc.  Still others use it to promote their latest projects.  Many use it for all those things. But no matter what you use it for, there are those who attack. Some get sick of seeing others use social media to vent about their problems, or use it to express their political views or views on some other issue. or maybe think they others are using it to gain sympathy from friends.

I was once told by a friend that a neighbor unfriended him because he was sick of him bragging about how wonderful his life was and always rubbing it in his face. My response to him was that his "friend" was projecting his own insecurities and issues onto my friend's posts as if perhaps they were in competition as they lived in the same neighborhood and their kids played together. And there were some other similarities between the two families that I will not share here. They were probably just jealous. By no means does my friend post to brag. But there are insecure people who will see it that way. Their problem. Not yours.

I've seen people complain that those who use social media simply to promote their latest project. "I just cast in this play." "I booked a commercial." "Come see me in my show."  I'm afraid I fall into this category. To me, this is one of the things that social media is for...to promote yourself or your business. If you're an actor, writer, artist, a small business owner, entrepreneur. It's vital.  I mean postcards and and emails are practically a thing of the past. Maybe I should create a second page for my professional self.

Social media is for sharing your life. My friends with kids share pictures of their kids and major life events like weddings and holidays. My friends with businesses share info on their business events and specials. I share about my acting because, well I don't have a spouse or children and I don't have a fabulous home. I happen to perform on stage fairly often.  And if I get a part, I want to share the news with my friends. I want them to come see me (well usually! LOL). If I get cast in a commercial or a TV show it is cause for celebration in my life. And I want to share that the same I would if I was getting married or my kid rode his bike for the first time or said his first word.

But then sometimes I wonder, is my life empty? I have no spouse, no children, no house. Am I less of a person because I don't have any of these things?  No. It's just what I have right now. It's where I am. I don't have to be where you are in your life. I chose a different path and that's okay. I think. Is it? What do you think? :) There I shared. I'm insecure. Go figure.