It's Been Forever! Where Have I Been?

So one of the reasons for doing this blog was to keep my writing going. As it turns out, I have also used it as a sort of therapy to discuss some of my feelings, inner demons, insecurities etc. Sometimes just to talk about random things, trivia, well all the nonsense that takes up space in my brain, like anything entertainment related. I swear I could teach a full semester course on the history of television without ever having to crack open a book or write a single note.

So, what has eI been up to since my last blog over a month ago? Well, I have spent the last six weeks performing in an amazing production of the musical 42nd Street at the Candlelight Pavilion Dinner Theatre in Claremont, CA. Its been wonderful. I'm working with an amazing cast and crew and its been fun from the get go. This coming weekend we close. And then the sadness sets in. I've made some friends on this one that I think are going to be around for a while.

But am I resting on my laurels? No. The following week I start rehearsals on my next project, the musical Hello Again. No. I am not in this one. I am directing it. What? You've ever heard of it? You're not alone. It's by Michael John La Chuisa and its a short piece, less than 90 minutes and entails 10 scenes involving 10 hookups. Its based on La Ronde. Look it up.

So, yes I am directing a show. Not my first. Ive directed before. My last one was just over three years ago and it turned out great. Auditions were last week and we had an amazing turnout. And so untypical of most auditions, almost everyone who scheduled an appointment actually showed up.
We had 48 at callbacks and I had to do some fast eliminating to get through them all.

I feel I may have disappointed some friends who auditioned for me. And the truth is I was so excited to see so many friends and former colleagues show up. And to be honest going in to callbacks I pictured myself with a cast made up of a few friends. That didn't happen. And its hard. Im such a sensitive person that I'm fearful I let them down. But in the end there was someone else who brought something to the table that made all of us go...that's it! In reality, I could have cast most anyone who came to callbacks. They were all that good.

And now on to rehearsals. I'm thrilled with the cast we got. They are all super amazing. And like I said so were many of those who weren't chosen but we have to choose. That's the nature of the business. So what's going on with me? My insecurities are coming out in full force.

Oh yes, here we go again! Can I do this piece justice? Am I good enough to lead these actors who have put their trust in me?  Have I bit off more than I can chew? So I think back to the last time I directed, and the time before that and the time before that and you know what? I felt exactly the same way. And they turned out fine. In fact half the cast of my last show (two of the four) came to audition for this one. And the third cast member contacted me to let me know he wanted to but was out of town all last week. The fourth cast member just moved to NYC last week.

So I think that is the best endorsement. Those who have worked with me in the past want to work with me again. OK, Charlie Brown stop talking and let me get to work. I've got a show to put up!

Why Sharing My Writing Scares Me

I have been an actor for many, many years. My whole adult life in fact. It is not something I have always made a living at, but it has been a constant in my life.

In pursuing an acting career professionally, many suggest writing and performing your own material while you wait for the paying gigs to come in. And also so showcase your talent and what you can so that they (Casting Directions, Directors, Producers, etc) know what to do with you.

Over the years, I have had many ideas for plays, sketches, short films, etc. But I am always hesitant to go forward with any or to even start at all. Yes, I belonged to a sketch comedy group for a few years here in LA. I also write and produced my own comedy web series. Yet, it is still hard for me to share. I feel that my writing is not good enough, not funny enough, not compelling. No one will "get me" or my humor. It's scary. And I am very insecure about it.

Tonight, I took a leap of faith. I took a play that I wrote for myself (beginning over a decade ago) and invited some actor friends over to my house and asked them to play the parts in a play reading. It was scary. After all, this character was initially based on me. His words and thoughts are mine.  The bad first dates he talks about are actual first dates that I had.

But would this subject matter mean anything to anyone? Is my idea interesting or clever enough for anyone other than me? Can I write a joke line?  This scares me because this means that not only can I not write something that speaks to other people, but maybe I shouldn't be writing at all.

So. Guess what happened? It worked. The lines flowed. The dialogue was real and natural. The laughs came where I wanted them. There's a real heart to the story and the romance at the center of it. And everyone involved liked it.

Oh My God! Can this be? My writing is good. No. Not mine. The voices in my head have been telling me for years that I am no good at this. I suck. Sharing this script will reveal things about my personal life that will lead others to think I'm sad and pathetic. Yes, that is what goes through my head.

It's time to tell those voices "Be Gone!" This is a good idea for a story. It is funny and heart warming too. These characters are funny and interesting and I did a good job of writing this. Why did I wait so long to share this? I'm an idiot!

Now, its not perfect. I got some good notes on things that could be added or tightened up a bit. But basically it moves along at a good clip and there's not too much extra happening. I get right to it.

And all I can say is thank you to all my wonderful friends who came and did such a great job of bringing these characters off the page and to life. You brought the funny and you brought the heart. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You've given me a new hope. Hey! That should be the title of a movie. A New Hope. Hmmm. Has anyone ever though of that?

How Much "I" is "TM"?

As I sit at my computer every day pondering what to write about, I often debate how personal I want to get.  How much of my personal life or feelings do I want to share? I know many people use social media to express their feelings on any myriad of subjects. Sometimes a heated debate may ensue in the threads, people disagree, feelings are hurt, and friends are "unfriended" even blocked.

I have always made it a point to keep my social media posts free of my personal views or feelings mainly to avoid the above from happening and also because of my overwhelming need to be liked. I cannot handle people not liking me. I can't offend or disagree with people because they may not like me as a result. There. I just shared something personal about myself.

Others use social media to post pictures of their family and their travels or to share funny pictures stories etc.  Still others use it to promote their latest projects.  Many use it for all those things. But no matter what you use it for, there are those who attack. Some get sick of seeing others use social media to vent about their problems, or use it to express their political views or views on some other issue. or maybe think they others are using it to gain sympathy from friends.

I was once told by a friend that a neighbor unfriended him because he was sick of him bragging about how wonderful his life was and always rubbing it in his face. My response to him was that his "friend" was projecting his own insecurities and issues onto my friend's posts as if perhaps they were in competition as they lived in the same neighborhood and their kids played together. And there were some other similarities between the two families that I will not share here. They were probably just jealous. By no means does my friend post to brag. But there are insecure people who will see it that way. Their problem. Not yours.

I've seen people complain that those who use social media simply to promote their latest project. "I just cast in this play." "I booked a commercial." "Come see me in my show."  I'm afraid I fall into this category. To me, this is one of the things that social media is for...to promote yourself or your business. If you're an actor, writer, artist, a small business owner, entrepreneur. It's vital.  I mean postcards and and emails are practically a thing of the past. Maybe I should create a second page for my professional self.

Social media is for sharing your life. My friends with kids share pictures of their kids and major life events like weddings and holidays. My friends with businesses share info on their business events and specials. I share about my acting because, well I don't have a spouse or children and I don't have a fabulous home. I happen to perform on stage fairly often.  And if I get a part, I want to share the news with my friends. I want them to come see me (well usually! LOL). If I get cast in a commercial or a TV show it is cause for celebration in my life. And I want to share that the same I would if I was getting married or my kid rode his bike for the first time or said his first word.

But then sometimes I wonder, is my life empty? I have no spouse, no children, no house. Am I less of a person because I don't have any of these things?  No. It's just what I have right now. It's where I am. I don't have to be where you are in your life. I chose a different path and that's okay. I think. Is it? What do you think? :) There I shared. I'm insecure. Go figure.