The Next Chapter

I've been keeping this one to myself...mostly.  As of two days ago, it became official. I am no longer employed full-time. Now this news is likely to concern some people. But the simple truth of the matter is I was miserable. Absolutely, 100%, out of my mind, trapped like a rat in a maze I couldn't get out of and afraid if I didn't do something soon I would crack and lose it miserable. There were some very, VERY low times in the last few years. I had to get out of there.  And after years of contemplating, debating, discussing, threatening, ruminating, I finally took the step and gave my notice about two and half months ago.

Friday, I left my job of nearly 11 years. That's the longest I've worked anywhere and its been great for me financially. I've put some money away. I've got a nice retirement plan/401(k). I have a nice car. I live in a nice place and typically don't have to worry about my expenses. For all of that, I am extremely grateful. But my mental state was not good.

I moved here from NYC to further pursue my acting career on TV and in film. And when I came here I told myself, if I didn't succeed as an actor then come hell or high water I would work in the entertainment industry no matter what. So, how did I end up working in Legal Compliance for a large finance firm in downtown LA? First off, I wasn't aware that anyone moved to LA for anything other than TV or film. I mean why move here. That's all that's here, right?

So I came. I started temping almost immediately and was placed at one of the big studios. I got an agent. I went out on commercial auditions. I did theater. I did some really (And I mean REALLY) low budget movies. I temped at that studio for well over two years. And then it came to an end, but I was immediately called by another temp agency that saw my resume online and was placed within days of leaving my last temp assignment at the studio at a finance firm in Pasadena for two weeks. It lasted over three months. And then the day after that assignment ended, another agency called that also found my resume online. The next day I went to their office and registered and the following day interviewed at the finance firm downtown and two days later started as a temp. And here I am 11 years and three promotions later....burnt out.

You see at the same time, I was working in the theater...almost constantly. In two or three shows a year.  And also going out on commercial and TV auditions. In recent years, its been tough to juggle. I'll go out on an audition during the work day and usually I'm back within an hour and a half. But every once in a while, I'm gone two hours, two and half hours. And every once in a while, my boss would notice and call me in wanting to know where I was. Stress. Anxiety. Anyone who knows me knows I can't handle a) stress, b) people not liking me and c) not being a perfect worker/employee/son/student/brother etc. I have to be perfect always, the good boy, the one who follows the rules and never does anything wrong. I cannot make mistakes, ever! It's a lot of pressure.

So take all this into an audition and well, you get the picture.  As I sit there in the waiting room, I'm checking the clock. Why is this taking so long? NO! Don't take a bathroom break. I have to get back to work! What if I get stuck in bad traffic? How will I explain myself?

I don't need that energy at an audition. Now, I'll be honest, once I'm in the audition room, I leave all that outside.  But as soon as I am out that door, I am OUT that door.  The stress of trying to juggle the full-time job and the auditions was too much. Now, I may go weeks without an issue but then I'll go through a stretch where I may have a couple of weeks with multiple auditions and me coming and going from work. Not so great. And lastly, I'm not 22 anymore! I'm exhausted all the time.

I need some rest. I need to relax and I need to give myself some time to prepare for each audition.
I'm not independently wealthy and I will need to find another way to support myself. But at this point, I'm looking for something part-time so I can have some flexibility.  I don't know what it will be just yet. I may open a store, or a franchise, or maybe work as a professional organizer. I'd like to teach acting to kids. Or maybe I'll just work as a barista at Starbucks. Who knows?

So if any of you know of a job or want to hire someone for some work around the house, let me know. I'm available.

Grateful for What I Have

A couple of nights ago, something came to me. I don't know where it came from, but it hit me out of nowhere. I am grateful. Yes. Despite everything, I am grateful for the things I do have in my life.

I have had a couple of recent experiences in which someone has contacted me and asked me to be in a show. Me, the guy who recently complained about not being liked enough, the guy who feels alone and unappreciated. I've been contacted a few times to either be in or audition for a show.  So maybe my therapist is right, people do like me and think I'm talented.

I have a job. I hate it. I mean I really I hate it! To the point where I spend every day fantasizing about the day I quit. BUT it pays my bills. I live in a nice apartment by myself. I drive a nice car. I pay all my bills on time. I have money in the bank. I go on trips. I have a retirement plan. All because of this job that I really truly hate.  But again, it struck me the other day. I am lucky to have it. I am thankful.

I may spend most of my free time sitting in my apartment by myself and sometimes I feel as if I'm alone. But that's on me. If I reach out, there are people there for me.

Let's face it, and there isn't a day that I don't think about this, there are so many people out there who have it much worse than me. People with real problems. I fell guilty complaining about my things. But we all have things. We're all insecure in some way about something. And there you have another one of my things..I discount everything I feel. I don't complain or speak out because my problems don't matter when compared to others. I'm healthy. I have a job. I have a nice life. I'm not homeless. I'm not sick or dying from some disease. So I keep my issues to myself. Not good either.

So bottom line, I have problems. They effect me. I need to acknowledge them. I need to reach out to others. I'm not alone. If I let others in, I'll find that I am liked maybe even loved. And there is nothing wrong with reaching out. We all need support. I've spent a lifetime keeping everything in because I don't want to bother others. But...I have it good. I appreciate what I have.

And speaking of which, this coming week I am off to Australia and New Zealand for two weeks. I can't wait! I couldn't do that without the cursed job! Stay tuned for more.

Survival Jobs

I'm an actor. Did you know that? I am. And being an actor, I have spent a great deal of my adult life working survival jobs.

Mostly, day jobs in offices. I temped for many years in a variety of offices in a variety of fields. Every once in a while I decide that I need health care and a steady paycheck so I accept the full-time job and stay a while.

For many years, (my 20s), I worked in retail. I briefly attempted to live in New York City and pursue an acting career. I went through all my money in a couple of months. I refused to get a full-time job and only took part-time jobs that didn't pay enough. I hated the insecurity and I had no confidence in myself. I ran home to Albany, NY and my parents house and went right back into retail.

I did local theater at night. One show after another. Whenever and wherever. My retail career began to flourish. Eventually, I ended up as a buyer for a local chain of department stores. And I was really good at it. I liked it. But it was a small company and the pay was not great. My dream was to work Saks Fifth Avenue or Lord & Taylor. But then, I realized that the pressure of the corporate world would be too much.

And where I worked in Schenectady was too small time for me. I did not want to stay in Schenectady. All that time, something kept pulling at me. You have to go back to New York. Besides, the store I was working for was on its last legs. It went under about a year after I left.

So I went to NYC, but not without a job. I was a store manager for The Gap in Flushing Queens for just over a year. And then I burned out. I quit and I lost my rent controlled apartment in Kew Gardens in the same week. No job. No place to live. And in debt.

I started temping. I joined a theatre company on the East Side in Manhattan. After a few temp assignments, I ended up taking a job in the production department of the Public Finance division at Moody's Investors Service.  I took voice lessons, casting workshops, built up my resume at St. Bart's Playhouse. Eventually, I quit my full-time job and went back to temping and started getting acting work.

I briefly tried other jobs, telemarketing selling book clubs for Weekly Reader, working at men's store in SoHo... I lasted there less than a day. I walked out for lunch and didn't go back. I believe that's what they call job abandonment. I temped at a jewelry wholesaler in the Village for a few weeks where the people in the department were at war with another and putting me in the middle. I asked to be taken off that assignment.

I temped a few days a week. I worked in the men's department at Bloomingdale's nights and weekends. I auditioned. I got acting gigs. I came back to town and temped. I did long-time gigs in the Advertising Sales department at The New Yorker, the production department at Conde Nast Publishing and a couple of assignments at The NFL, which became my next full-time job when I decided it was high time I fixed the hernia I had been walking around with for about five years. I stayed there for four years while also working part-time in a couple of Broadway - NYC gift shops in the theatre district. Worked a Christmas at Lord & Taylor. Got out of debt. Lived on my own in Washington Heights. Got my Equity card. But things got stale, so I moved to Los Angeles.

More temping during the day and theater at night. A couple of years at Disney and then a couple of financial firms until I ended up in the compliance department at The Capital Group Companies in downtown LA.

I've been there almost ten years.

I've never waited tables, or tended bar or tutored or gone back to school to get licensed to do massage therapy or real estate. Just temped in offices. And I gotta tell ya, I love the benefits and the that fact that I have a pretty decent quality of life. And I do get to do theatre.

It works for me. I'm comfortable. Its not for everyone.

What do you do for survival jobs? Tell me about your worst survival jobs.