Another Midlife Crisis (What? Again?)

So let's get up to speed here...

Last June I left my full-time job to free up my life for my acting career. It was a difficult choice and one I had been debating for years. I had money in the bank, I had a nice nest egg in my retirement plan and 401(k). I figured if worse came to worse, if I went through my savings, I could dip into my retirement plan. I could find part-time work. Bottom line: I wouldn't end up on the streets.

Its now been almost a year and I've learned some things. I don't like not having a full-time job.  It's tough getting up in the morning and not having a place to go. I feel I need that structure (routine) in my life. Without it, I feel somewhat aimless, lost. So set some goals, Richard. Create your own structure.

But in addition to that, I no longer have a group of people that I see and work with every day. People to talk to and share with. Its gone. It contributes to my feeling of aimlessness. I feel alone.

I went through almost my savings within six months because I didn't work much during that time. Then, in January I started working a couple of part-time jobs which cover most of my monthly expenses but not all. The part-time jobs offer me flexibility which I like very much. I can pretty much make my own schedule which is great for the acting career because it gives me the freedom to go to any auditions I want and work around those auditions. But the hourly rates are less than what I was making even 20 years ago and no benefits.

I pay for my own medical now and since I took early retirement rather than quitting I am able to keep my old dental and vision plans, (I could have done the same with my medical but it was ridiculously expensive!). I rolled over my retirement plan and 401(k) into an IRA. Like I said its there if I need it but it will come at a cost  if I withdraw since I am under 60.

My rent has gone up...again so there's an added expense there. No problem, I'll look for cheaper place olive. Nope. Rents are going up everywhere unless I want to downsize of move further out from central LA.  I'm doing that...yet.

I withdrew some money from my IRA a couple months back and put it in my savings account to help me out because I wasn't working many hours at the time and I had gone through my savings. But then I booked a commercial and then a couple weeks later got my tax refunds so no need to dip into the savings just yet. Meanwhile, I've increased my hours with both part-time jobs so I'm bringing home more money. Far less than what I'm used to but I'm still here.

But what's freaking me outs this...the first six weeks of this year I had 10 commercial auditions. I was called back for five of them and then placed on avail for 3 of those five callbacks. Amazing! Three on avails in one month. That's never happened to me before. And I booked one of those. Yes!

But then after that, nothing. March and April were dead. I've had a couple auditions in the last couple of weeks so I feel a little better. But man this is tough. I'm in a panic. Maybe I shouldn't have left the job. Umm, yes! I should have! I was miserable.  Do I get another job so I have three? Increase the number of hours I drive for Instacart? I do make decent money some shifts, like @ $22/hour. But then other shifts I'll average $15/hour.  If I can make $250 - $280 in 16 - 19 hours, I can make $400 - $500 in 40, right? But do I want to do that, drive around the valley for 40 hours a week?

The other job, merchandising, is nice because I work by myself and can do the work whenever I want as long as its done by the deadline and I usually have a 1 - 3 week window to complete my assignments. But it doesn't pay much.  So do I look for a new gig? If so, what?

What's amazed me is how the universe has provided. For instance, the timing of booking the commercial. It happened a couple times before as well.  Right when I was running low on funds in September, I got five weeks of contract work with my former employer. Then, in November a commercial I made a year earlier was renewed for another year so I got a nice paycheck for that and then some independent work from some friends. So I'm learning to trust the universe more.  I'm a year into this new chapter in my life and I'm doing okay.

As for the rest, I spend a lot more time alone. I've always done theater and I think Ive used that as an excuse form black of social life. Or rather, its always been a substitute for a social life. And I decided recently to cut back on doing theater to keep myself available for TV and commercial work. So as a result, I'm not interacting with people so much anymore.  Not having the income I once had, I'm less likely to go out and spend money like I was. And working independently makes me miss the daily interaction with my co-workers. It's lonely when you work for yourself and without anyone else.

I chose this path. This is the one I wanted and I'm doing it. I told myself a long time ago that I knew if worse came to worse I would not starve and I would not end up on the streets because I am smart and in good health. There's a lot I can do. It just scares me being alone in this and not knowing what's next.

The Next Chapter

I've been keeping this one to myself...mostly.  As of two days ago, it became official. I am no longer employed full-time. Now this news is likely to concern some people. But the simple truth of the matter is I was miserable. Absolutely, 100%, out of my mind, trapped like a rat in a maze I couldn't get out of and afraid if I didn't do something soon I would crack and lose it miserable. There were some very, VERY low times in the last few years. I had to get out of there.  And after years of contemplating, debating, discussing, threatening, ruminating, I finally took the step and gave my notice about two and half months ago.

Friday, I left my job of nearly 11 years. That's the longest I've worked anywhere and its been great for me financially. I've put some money away. I've got a nice retirement plan/401(k). I have a nice car. I live in a nice place and typically don't have to worry about my expenses. For all of that, I am extremely grateful. But my mental state was not good.

I moved here from NYC to further pursue my acting career on TV and in film. And when I came here I told myself, if I didn't succeed as an actor then come hell or high water I would work in the entertainment industry no matter what. So, how did I end up working in Legal Compliance for a large finance firm in downtown LA? First off, I wasn't aware that anyone moved to LA for anything other than TV or film. I mean why move here. That's all that's here, right?

So I came. I started temping almost immediately and was placed at one of the big studios. I got an agent. I went out on commercial auditions. I did theater. I did some really (And I mean REALLY) low budget movies. I temped at that studio for well over two years. And then it came to an end, but I was immediately called by another temp agency that saw my resume online and was placed within days of leaving my last temp assignment at the studio at a finance firm in Pasadena for two weeks. It lasted over three months. And then the day after that assignment ended, another agency called that also found my resume online. The next day I went to their office and registered and the following day interviewed at the finance firm downtown and two days later started as a temp. And here I am 11 years and three promotions later....burnt out.

You see at the same time, I was working in the theater...almost constantly. In two or three shows a year.  And also going out on commercial and TV auditions. In recent years, its been tough to juggle. I'll go out on an audition during the work day and usually I'm back within an hour and a half. But every once in a while, I'm gone two hours, two and half hours. And every once in a while, my boss would notice and call me in wanting to know where I was. Stress. Anxiety. Anyone who knows me knows I can't handle a) stress, b) people not liking me and c) not being a perfect worker/employee/son/student/brother etc. I have to be perfect always, the good boy, the one who follows the rules and never does anything wrong. I cannot make mistakes, ever! It's a lot of pressure.

So take all this into an audition and well, you get the picture.  As I sit there in the waiting room, I'm checking the clock. Why is this taking so long? NO! Don't take a bathroom break. I have to get back to work! What if I get stuck in bad traffic? How will I explain myself?

I don't need that energy at an audition. Now, I'll be honest, once I'm in the audition room, I leave all that outside.  But as soon as I am out that door, I am OUT that door.  The stress of trying to juggle the full-time job and the auditions was too much. Now, I may go weeks without an issue but then I'll go through a stretch where I may have a couple of weeks with multiple auditions and me coming and going from work. Not so great. And lastly, I'm not 22 anymore! I'm exhausted all the time.

I need some rest. I need to relax and I need to give myself some time to prepare for each audition.
I'm not independently wealthy and I will need to find another way to support myself. But at this point, I'm looking for something part-time so I can have some flexibility.  I don't know what it will be just yet. I may open a store, or a franchise, or maybe work as a professional organizer. I'd like to teach acting to kids. Or maybe I'll just work as a barista at Starbucks. Who knows?

So if any of you know of a job or want to hire someone for some work around the house, let me know. I'm available.

The Career that Giveth and Taketh Away - Acting: It's not for the faint of heart

So far 2017, has been a mixed bag. I was excited coming into 2017 having booked roles in two films. A small but fun a part in a low budget parody film and a significant role in a USC film school student film.

I was especially looking forward to the student film because it would give me an opportunity to play against type. I typically play ineffective middle management or authority figures or goofy dads/neighbors, etc.  In this, I was to play a sympathetic single dad to a gay teen son who is being bullied into a sexual relationship with another teen who threatens to out him. I was really looking forward to it. A week before Christmas, I was sent the shoot dates and I told them I was fine but I had a day job and would not be available during the week. A couple weeks later, I received emails confirming the shoot dates and times, transportation information and costume measurements.  I made arrangements to take a day off for one day of filming. I worked on my lines.

And then the day before I was due to shoot, I received an email telling me that due to my last minute notification to them of my limited schedule, they could not use me. What?! Exactly, what was last minute? I told them as soon as they notified me of the shoot dates. They never said word one that there was a problem. They sent me a shoot schedule for Friday Saturday and Sunday. I took Friday off form work.  They were in constant contact with me, adding me to the contact list, asking about dietary restrictions, talking with the wardrobe supervisor about wardrobe. No clue.

I wasn't sure how to react. I mean I was really looking forward to this. It was a great opportunity for me to show something I haven't on film yet. I sent an email asking if they had the right person. Or wondering what had happened. I was too impatient to wait for a response, so I called the student the email came from. I asked her what was going on. She said because I had conflicts they couldn't use me. ME: But you never said anything to me. I've been responding to all the emails you've sent regarding wardrobe, transportation, dietary restrictions, etc. You sent me a filming schedule on December 18 and I emailed back that I had a day job, so weekdays could be a conflict,. You then sent me a shoot schedule with shoot days of Friday Saturday and Sunday. I took Friday off from work to shoot. Not once did anyone say, three was a scheduling issue. You lead me to believe those were my shoot dates. If you had called me, I could have changed my schedule to fit your shoot schedule. And now the day before the shoot you tell me to my late notice of conflicts. What late notice? I told you three weeks ago as soon as you sent the shooting dates.  HER: Well, we really loved your audition. We thought you were great. But we can only have the location for certain days and can't change it and our lead actor is only available certain times and couldn't change his schedule. ME: But you didn't tell me any of this. You've been communicating with me as if I had the part. HER: Well, we have someone else. ME: I thanked them for their time and wished them good luck with the project.

Frustrating! Did I mention I really wanted to play that part?

Film number two was also supposed to shoot in January. So far, I've heard nothing since I accepted the part and they sent me a copy of the script. It's now February. I'm beginning to feel like that might not happen. So a few days ago I sent an email asking if there were any updates on the filming.  I've gotten no response back. Its been four days.

Oh Acting Career, you giveth and you taketh away.

These are the joys of being an actor.  You feel good one day and then down the next,. You're only as good as your most recent work. And your self-esteem is so low that if you're not working, you feel pretty low. It's been a slow commercial audition period for me as well. So of course, my esteem is low presently.

Now on to the positive!

Tonight, I am opening a show on stage that I am very excited to be a part of. And it's going to be a really good one! 42nd Street at the Candlelight Pavilion Dinner Theatre in Claremont, CA. If you're in the neighborhood, come and see those dancing feet. It's going to be so good.

Grateful for What I Have

A couple of nights ago, something came to me. I don't know where it came from, but it hit me out of nowhere. I am grateful. Yes. Despite everything, I am grateful for the things I do have in my life.

I have had a couple of recent experiences in which someone has contacted me and asked me to be in a show. Me, the guy who recently complained about not being liked enough, the guy who feels alone and unappreciated. I've been contacted a few times to either be in or audition for a show.  So maybe my therapist is right, people do like me and think I'm talented.

I have a job. I hate it. I mean I really I hate it! To the point where I spend every day fantasizing about the day I quit. BUT it pays my bills. I live in a nice apartment by myself. I drive a nice car. I pay all my bills on time. I have money in the bank. I go on trips. I have a retirement plan. All because of this job that I really truly hate.  But again, it struck me the other day. I am lucky to have it. I am thankful.

I may spend most of my free time sitting in my apartment by myself and sometimes I feel as if I'm alone. But that's on me. If I reach out, there are people there for me.

Let's face it, and there isn't a day that I don't think about this, there are so many people out there who have it much worse than me. People with real problems. I fell guilty complaining about my things. But we all have things. We're all insecure in some way about something. And there you have another one of my things..I discount everything I feel. I don't complain or speak out because my problems don't matter when compared to others. I'm healthy. I have a job. I have a nice life. I'm not homeless. I'm not sick or dying from some disease. So I keep my issues to myself. Not good either.

So bottom line, I have problems. They effect me. I need to acknowledge them. I need to reach out to others. I'm not alone. If I let others in, I'll find that I am liked maybe even loved. And there is nothing wrong with reaching out. We all need support. I've spent a lifetime keeping everything in because I don't want to bother others. But...I have it good. I appreciate what I have.

And speaking of which, this coming week I am off to Australia and New Zealand for two weeks. I can't wait! I couldn't do that without the cursed job! Stay tuned for more.

Performance Anxiety

I need to vent. Yesterday, I had an audition for a show at a big prominent musical theater company here in the Los Angeles area. I've auditioned for them a few times over the last couple of years and have a few friends that have worked there. In fact, my last audition there last spring went quite well.

So I chose to audition for this show because there is a part in it that is perfect for me. I came very close to getting cast in this same role at another CLO in the area a few years back but ultimately did not get the part, but the artistic director was very happy with my audition and assured me it was a tough decision and she hoped I would continue to audition for them in the future.

So, I went into this audition yesterday armed with the same audition song. This is a song that I learned over 20 years ago and know like the back of my own hand.  I've sung it at cabaret nights, open mic nights and in my own cabaret act.  I went to this audition confident that I am right for this role and I had a song that was perfect for the character I want to be considered for and I know it well. I get to the audition location and am placed on deck in the hallway outside the audition room with two others. And that's when it hit me! Nerves. Big time nerves.

I stood there and realized how nervous I was. I kept telling myself that I had this. I know this song. It's mine. I had to keep talking to myself. I am a talented actor and singer. I know what I am doing. People like me. There is no reason to be this nervous. I'm Richard Van Slyke. I just need to go in there and show them.  I have this. Why am I so nervous?

I mean, I have been doing this for over 30 years. Why am I still riddled with nerves? Seriously. I've worked with vocal/acting coaches in New York and here in Los Angeles. I've taken voice lessons. I've worked professionally. I've been in dozens and dozens of shows. I've been in therapy. I've been given tricks to help me get through my nerves. But they don't go away. What is going on? Why am I still so lacking in self-confidence?

Here I am in line with much younger actors and singers probably not with half the experience that I have. They don't have their Equity cards. I do. And yet, I'm intimidated. I'm scared that I'm not as good as them. I don't belong here. Then I tell myself, these kids are here for chorus parts. You are here for one of the principal roles.  Seriously, what is wrong with me? When will I get over this?

A former acting teacher gave me a mantra to recite to myself, "I am me and that is enough."  I forget that.

Oh, and the audition...it went fine. I got through it. I sounded good. The acting was right on. I have fun with this song. I need to remember that. It's out of my hands now.