Another Midlife Crisis (What? Again?)

So let's get up to speed here...

Last June I left my full-time job to free up my life for my acting career. It was a difficult choice and one I had been debating for years. I had money in the bank, I had a nice nest egg in my retirement plan and 401(k). I figured if worse came to worse, if I went through my savings, I could dip into my retirement plan. I could find part-time work. Bottom line: I wouldn't end up on the streets.

Its now been almost a year and I've learned some things. I don't like not having a full-time job.  It's tough getting up in the morning and not having a place to go. I feel I need that structure (routine) in my life. Without it, I feel somewhat aimless, lost. So set some goals, Richard. Create your own structure.

But in addition to that, I no longer have a group of people that I see and work with every day. People to talk to and share with. Its gone. It contributes to my feeling of aimlessness. I feel alone.

I went through almost my savings within six months because I didn't work much during that time. Then, in January I started working a couple of part-time jobs which cover most of my monthly expenses but not all. The part-time jobs offer me flexibility which I like very much. I can pretty much make my own schedule which is great for the acting career because it gives me the freedom to go to any auditions I want and work around those auditions. But the hourly rates are less than what I was making even 20 years ago and no benefits.

I pay for my own medical now and since I took early retirement rather than quitting I am able to keep my old dental and vision plans, (I could have done the same with my medical but it was ridiculously expensive!). I rolled over my retirement plan and 401(k) into an IRA. Like I said its there if I need it but it will come at a cost  if I withdraw since I am under 60.

My rent has gone up...again so there's an added expense there. No problem, I'll look for cheaper place olive. Nope. Rents are going up everywhere unless I want to downsize of move further out from central LA.  I'm doing that...yet.

I withdrew some money from my IRA a couple months back and put it in my savings account to help me out because I wasn't working many hours at the time and I had gone through my savings. But then I booked a commercial and then a couple weeks later got my tax refunds so no need to dip into the savings just yet. Meanwhile, I've increased my hours with both part-time jobs so I'm bringing home more money. Far less than what I'm used to but I'm still here.

But what's freaking me outs this...the first six weeks of this year I had 10 commercial auditions. I was called back for five of them and then placed on avail for 3 of those five callbacks. Amazing! Three on avails in one month. That's never happened to me before. And I booked one of those. Yes!

But then after that, nothing. March and April were dead. I've had a couple auditions in the last couple of weeks so I feel a little better. But man this is tough. I'm in a panic. Maybe I shouldn't have left the job. Umm, yes! I should have! I was miserable.  Do I get another job so I have three? Increase the number of hours I drive for Instacart? I do make decent money some shifts, like @ $22/hour. But then other shifts I'll average $15/hour.  If I can make $250 - $280 in 16 - 19 hours, I can make $400 - $500 in 40, right? But do I want to do that, drive around the valley for 40 hours a week?

The other job, merchandising, is nice because I work by myself and can do the work whenever I want as long as its done by the deadline and I usually have a 1 - 3 week window to complete my assignments. But it doesn't pay much.  So do I look for a new gig? If so, what?

What's amazed me is how the universe has provided. For instance, the timing of booking the commercial. It happened a couple times before as well.  Right when I was running low on funds in September, I got five weeks of contract work with my former employer. Then, in November a commercial I made a year earlier was renewed for another year so I got a nice paycheck for that and then some independent work from some friends. So I'm learning to trust the universe more.  I'm a year into this new chapter in my life and I'm doing okay.

As for the rest, I spend a lot more time alone. I've always done theater and I think Ive used that as an excuse form black of social life. Or rather, its always been a substitute for a social life. And I decided recently to cut back on doing theater to keep myself available for TV and commercial work. So as a result, I'm not interacting with people so much anymore.  Not having the income I once had, I'm less likely to go out and spend money like I was. And working independently makes me miss the daily interaction with my co-workers. It's lonely when you work for yourself and without anyone else.

I chose this path. This is the one I wanted and I'm doing it. I told myself a long time ago that I knew if worse came to worse I would not starve and I would not end up on the streets because I am smart and in good health. There's a lot I can do. It just scares me being alone in this and not knowing what's next.

I'm done with my homework. Can I watch TV?

I'm bored.

Yeah. I'm sitting here at my computer typing. The TV is on right behind me. The dishwasher is running. There is a sweater drying on my dining table after a hand wash (its the only flat surface that is big enough). And I am here trying to think about what to write. I have a cold. I talked about that last night. Its now a real cold. The incubation period has ended and I now have a cold...for real.

SO I am not going out tonight. Tonight. I plan to watch TV. A full night of it. Just like the good old days. I will watch the CBS comedies, even though I only really like Big Bang and Mom. The other two not as much. And then at 10, assuming I don't go to sleep, I will watch How To Get Away With Murder. Which is getting away with a whole lot of mess if you ask me.

I mean that show has to be the most convoluted plot in TV history. Like you seriously need a scorecard to keep track of who has done what and to whom and when and how and where. I think right now everyone except one character is either guilty of one or more murders or cover ups or accessory to. And they all hook up with one another every week. Male to male, females to female, male to female, the same female with both males and females. I mean I can;t even. But its still interesting and fun enough to keep up with.

Then there are the shows you want to divorce.  I was close with Arrow, but they got me back on board. But I definitely don't care about Oliver's flashback stuff. I mean just get him off the damn island already,. He was on the island the first two season, then last season he was on Hong Kong...or was it China? and now this year he is back on the island but there's a whole new set of crazies on the island. Who are these people?   

Wait. Ami I talking about Lost? No. No, its Arrow. But it reminds me of Lost. The back and forth between the present and the past. Who is the enemy on the island? Him. No. There's another camp. They're the enemies. No. The first group is. No. Now they;re dead. So the second group is. No. Wait There's a whole new crew. They're bad and there's a bunch of innocents stranded on the island too. No. Wait. Ahhhhh!!! 

OMG! Enough with the flashbacks. Oliver has been back for over three years now. Let's stop with the flashbacks.. I'm done. Give me more Felicity. I love her. No. Really. She is the best thing about the show. The one light in a world of very very dark.

The Flash, on the other hand, I absolutely love. It is awesome, The introduction of all the characters from the comics. The special effects and it's not as dark. Not at all. Has much more of a sense of humor. Love it.

Almost 8:00. Time for Big Bang. Time to go.  Later!