Grateful for What I Have

A couple of nights ago, something came to me. I don't know where it came from, but it hit me out of nowhere. I am grateful. Yes. Despite everything, I am grateful for the things I do have in my life.

I have had a couple of recent experiences in which someone has contacted me and asked me to be in a show. Me, the guy who recently complained about not being liked enough, the guy who feels alone and unappreciated. I've been contacted a few times to either be in or audition for a show.  So maybe my therapist is right, people do like me and think I'm talented.

I have a job. I hate it. I mean I really I hate it! To the point where I spend every day fantasizing about the day I quit. BUT it pays my bills. I live in a nice apartment by myself. I drive a nice car. I pay all my bills on time. I have money in the bank. I go on trips. I have a retirement plan. All because of this job that I really truly hate.  But again, it struck me the other day. I am lucky to have it. I am thankful.

I may spend most of my free time sitting in my apartment by myself and sometimes I feel as if I'm alone. But that's on me. If I reach out, there are people there for me.

Let's face it, and there isn't a day that I don't think about this, there are so many people out there who have it much worse than me. People with real problems. I fell guilty complaining about my things. But we all have things. We're all insecure in some way about something. And there you have another one of my things..I discount everything I feel. I don't complain or speak out because my problems don't matter when compared to others. I'm healthy. I have a job. I have a nice life. I'm not homeless. I'm not sick or dying from some disease. So I keep my issues to myself. Not good either.

So bottom line, I have problems. They effect me. I need to acknowledge them. I need to reach out to others. I'm not alone. If I let others in, I'll find that I am liked maybe even loved. And there is nothing wrong with reaching out. We all need support. I've spent a lifetime keeping everything in because I don't want to bother others. But...I have it good. I appreciate what I have.

And speaking of which, this coming week I am off to Australia and New Zealand for two weeks. I can't wait! I couldn't do that without the cursed job! Stay tuned for more.

At the risk of sounding bipolar...

Today's blog is about the positive side of my life or that glimmer of hope that pops up every once in a while and so you cling to it and it defines how you feel about yourself for a bit. Until something happens to bring you crashing back down.

First, thank you to all who reached out to me after my last blog. Again, I don't typically share that kind of information about myself. I believe that I should handle my own problems and not be a burden or annoyance to others. Seriously, that's how I feel about myself...that others have their own problems to deal with and they are more important than mine.  So writing about some of my issues was huge and scary for me. So thank you. 

But today, is to talk about the opposite. The positive signs in my life. The funny thing about the acting profession is that you're only as good as your last job. People have short-term memories in this business. So if I go more than a week without getting an audition, I get depressed. I start thinking that I'm not good enough to be pursuing this professionally. 

But then an audition will come in for a national commercial or a TV series and all of a sudden, I'm back!  I lose the feeling that I'm failing. It doesn't matter if I don't get the part or even a callback. It matters that I got an audition. And that must mean that they like me. They really like me! 

This week, I had a commercial audition, my first in a couple of weeks. Really, two weeks without a commercial audition and it sends me on a downward spiral? Well there were other factors involved in that, (see my last blog).  This particular casting office is an office I've auditioned for dozens of times over the years. It's been a while since my last time there. So I've thought they must not like me anymore because I've never booked. Ergo they stop calling me in. Then, they call me in for a national commercial audition and I think, I guess they DO like me. You see how this works? Up. Down. Up. Down.

OK, so I'm FINALLY getting to the meat of this blog.

So I walk in and there sits Rick Overton and Barry Livingston (he played Ernie on My Three Sons). And I think, "Holy Crap! How did I get in here?" Seriously. I grew up watching My Three Sons. Saturday nights on CBS right after The Jackie Gleason Show. I'm in the big leagues. I mean these guys have been series regulars. They've been around for a few decades. They know people. They've lived a life I've only dreamed of. Now here we are auditioning for the same job. Wow. Just wow.

So today, I am in a good place. Because, wouldn't you know the very next day I got another commercial audition. So suddenly, life isn't so bad. There is a glimmer of hope. Maybe I will book a few of these jobs and be able to quit my day job.

Tomorrow, I open in another show. And it's completely sold out for its entire run. It's only running this week and next. 11 performances. The show opens tonight but I will not be going on until tomorrow due to a previous commitment.  The show? Chico's Angels Waikiki: Chicas Five-O.

And it's hilarious! We had a small invited audience at last night's dress rehearsal. They laughed and screamed through the entire show. It was a rough dress rehearsal, as most are. There were missed cues, props, entrances, lines dropped, only half the costumes. But it didn't matter. We got through it. And I'm learning so much working with this troupe of players. They are pros, every last one of them and damn good at what they do. I feel out of my league.  (There's those negative thoughts again).

But all it takes is for one person to laugh at something I do onstage, and I'm okay. I guess I'm not so bad after all. Maybe I can hold my own up here. (C'mon, Richard. You know perfectly well that you can do more than hold your own on stage). That's the mature, logical voice inside my head talking back to the other negative, small child voice inside my head. They're constantly going at it. It's annoying.

Hmm, maybe I am bipolar. Or schizophrenic. 

Feeling better. Thank you!

Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I get depressed. No, really depressed. I feel like I'm all alone. There is no one here for me. I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. I'm just drifting through life. No place to go. Nothing to do.

I do like my alone time and at my age I've grown used to it. But sometimes, it gets to me. When I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. When I stop and think that no one has called me in ages. When I think about the future. When I think about my day job that I absolutely hate but I have no idea what I would do if I were to quit.  And sometimes it all adds up and gets me super depressed.
And the the lack of auditions also causes me to lose confidence in my abilities as an actor. My friends on facebook are impressed with how much I do, but in my mind it's not enough. Its never enough. I'm a failure.  I'm always acting in something. Well, yes, but its not Broadway. Its not a part on a big network TV show. I'm not making a living at this.

Then I start thinking I'm not that good at this. I'll take a class for instance and there are other people in the class better than me. So clearly I'm not the best and therefore I am not loved nor liked. I'm a hack, an amateur. I'm untalented. The other actors don't have respect for or admire me.

There were times when I was younger, I would be surprised that fellow cast mates or classmates would praise me and love and laugh at everything I did. I felt like I wasn't even trying.  I didn't earn it. I couldn't understand why they liked me so much.

Is it because I'm older now? I'm not young and so I'm not cool. (BTW: I was never cool!) Maybe because I'm older, younger cast mates, etc think I'm unapproachable or I'm older and therefore secure and confident and don't need to be praised. Or why hang out with me? I'm too old. Believe me, it's not true. I'm just as insecure and lacking in self-confidence as I have ever been.

I'm thinking about not only quitting my job, but getting out of pursuing acting as a career. I'm also thinking I don't want to be in Los Angeles anymore. I don't think I like it here. The weather is nice. It's better then the Northeast, where I'm from. But where would I go? I miss NYC sometimes, but what would I do if I moved back there? And my hometown area, Albany, NY? Not crazy about the winters. And again, what would I do?

Maybe if there were someone in my life to share my life with, I would feel better about myself. Or even the feeling of a real sense of family among a group of friends. But I have none of that.

My therapist says it's good to share or to disclose your feelings so that is what I am doing here. Will this surprise some of you who know me? Perhaps. I do tend to not let on. I think you would be surprised how often and how deep this goes.  Full Disclosure: it's been really bad at times. Really bad. Not right now, but in the past.

I need a change. That's for certain. And perhaps being in class will strengthen my confidence. But right now, I'm not in a good place. This too shall pass. It always does. As soon as I book another acting gig it will probably pass. :)

Another Opening Another Show

Well, I've been a little quiet the last couple of weeks. Why? I close done show on June 25 (How to Succeed at GCT) and went into tech 6 days later for another (25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee at SMP).

And now, Spelling Bee at Sierra Madre Playhouse has opened.  And what an opening it was! So relieved to finally have an audience and full house at that! Great audience. So responsive. For those unfamiliar with the show, it is a Tony Award winning Broadway musical from the mid-2000s. It is about a spelling bee. Its very funny and also very touching. It brings us the stories of the kids who participate in the bee. All of them quirky in their own ways. Kids who in school are probably labeled as nerds or geeks, but in this world they are embraced.

What makes this musical special is that it involves 4 audience members. Yes, patrons are pole din the lobby before the show an four are selected to come up on stage as spellers. They sit on the stage with the other spellers and are called up to the microphone to spell words. It is not scripted. In fact, the reader, played by me, chooses what words to read the individual volunteers and in what order to call them and eliminate them. I have inventory of cards with words on them and some are very hard and some are very easy. So I can choose what ones I think will work. But you never know what will happen.

Last night was a perfect example, I had designated someone to be eliminated on a word. I chose a word that I have never heard anyone spell correctly...until last night. The woman I read it to got it right and therefore stayed in the game. I now had an extra person on stage and no rehearsed spot to eliminate her. But there is a suggested spot in the script for elimination if needed. We never rehearsed there, but I decided as I was sitting there that it needed to be done there. So we did it. And I made sure I gave her the hardest word in the bunch.

It was an exciting night! We had some press there and each of us was interviewed by a radio interviewer. We had two critics there. I had a few friends in the audience. It was a terrific experience. I've done enough shows that openings seem to be pretty routine. This one was different. A very special evening.  And I dod believe because this is such an unusual show needing that audience because the audience is a character in the show and without an audience you don't have a complete show. And there;'s that unknown element of what those volunteers are going to do. It keeps you on your toes. Every night is different.

Them there is the cast. I've done the show once before, as have three others in the cast. We know it pretty well. This is a solid cast. Very talented, actors and singers. Yes, you have to hear the singing. Amazing! Of course I can say this with our bragging because my character does not sing. (I join in on a couple of songs but that's it) So, yes this cast can sing! And act! I'd say and dance but its not a dance show.

Sierra Madre Playhouse is on Sierra Madre Blvd. in Sierra Madre, CA.  Its an old movie theatre and an awesome place to work. Really great hard working staff. They hire the best designers in the business here in Los Angeles. Come see us. You're in for an exceptional evening.

Sierra Madre Playhouse FB Page

The Show Must Go On - Backstage Stories or That Time I Threw Up Onstage and more

I am currently in a production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. We close this weekend. Check link below for How to Succeed in buying tickets without really trying. (See what I did there?)

Glendale Centre Theatre How to Succeed Tickets

This past weekend, our leading lady lost her voice. She went on Thursday and got through the show just fine. But Friday, we cancelled due to the loss of her voice and no understudy. Saturday she was back onstage and her old self as well. What a joy! She is an amazing performer and all around fun sweet person. But that's not the subject of this blog.

Today, I discuss some of my most memorable onstage mishaps. And I will save the best for last (my all-time number one most memorable/most embarrassing onstage moment). This weekend, in addition to the above cancelled performance we had not one, but two performances where light and sound cues went awry. At one performance, the first act went smoothly, as did half of the second act. Then suddenly, in the middle of the lead's big 11:00 number, I Believe In You, the sound went out. Then it jumped to the next cue, which was the entrance into the next scene. Only half of us were in place for that entrance. We went in,. Started the scene with half the men onstage. The others joined the scene in progress. But the lights were dimmed for some reason. Then the phone didn't ring. So the actor speaking said I'm expecting a call any minute at which point the phone rang.

In summer stock, the power went out on us due to a thunder storm about 10 minutes before the start of the show so a bunch of entertained the audience waiting for the power to come back on by performing improv and singing a capella in the generator lights.  Years ago, I worked out at outdoor theater where shows might be called due to rain. Once it happened in the middle of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It started raining in the first act. By the time intermission came, the stage had puddles. We never did the second act that night.

Another time, I was in a production of Babes In Arms. I played Lee Calhoun the arrogant playwright who is performing his play at the theater and the kids plot to sabotage his show so they can put on their own show. During the course of the scene things go wrong. Fake props are given to me, an actress walks off in the middle of the scene. Well one night, said actress decided to try slamming the door on her exit from the scene. This was on the advice of someone on the crew, not the director! Well when she slammed that door, the flat next to started to fall over with a small table and lamp right in front of it. I casually walked over caught the lamp with one had as it started to fall over and stopped the flat from falling with my other had and propped it up. It all looked like a part of the scene.  She never slammed that door again!

During a production of Kiss Me Kate, our Fred Graham was out on stage singing Where Is The Life That Late I Led?, when a drop came crashing down behind him in the middle of the song. He continued on. After all Lilli Vanessi was out to destroy him and his show at that point so it would make sense that a piece of scenery should come crashing down on him.  Thank God it was not literally! In the same production, the gangsters made an exit though one door that went into a three-sided set piece that swiveled around. and had an exit door on the other side. Unfortunately, at the moment they went in, it was turned in such a way that they couldn't get out the other side. They got our eventually. I don't remember how.

Another production of How to Succeed, our leading man got poked in the eye towards the end of Act One. Act Two was delayed about 20 - 30 minutes. When we cam back, he was wearing an eye patch. In Damn Yankees, there was a fire in the fly space above during Two Lost Souls. In college, our production of Orpheus Descending had a blackout just before the climax of the play. I went out onstage and spoke to the audience, (I was the A.D. and the director was across campus at a faculty dinner dance), we performed the last 10 minutes of the show by candlelight. The cause of the blackout was an April blizzard! Got to love upstate NY.

The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee provides all sorts of opportunities for mishaps because there are audience members on the stage worked into the show.  At one show, some audience members were talking. So in character as V.P. Panch, I reminded the audience that no talking was allowed at the bee as the spellers needed quiet for concentration.

Then there was the night, where I called up a young man in his 20s to spell Mexican. He spelled it Mexcian. Now mind you this is an intentionally easy word that the speller is supposed to get right.  When I rang the bell to eliminate him, he looked at me very confused. The next audience member is given the word Cow to spell. It sets up a joke and leads into a number in the show. The gentleman at the mike was very confused by this and thought (I guess) that it was some sort of joke or trick. He just kept looking at me not saying anything.  I kept looking at him and saying Cow. Please spell Cow. Its a Cow.  And since this is a cue into a song and this theater used tracks as opposed to live musicians, we went right into the song and escorted off the stage. Suddenly, I had only one audience volunteer on stage when I typically had three. It made for a shorter show that night.

I worked once with a man who was getting on in years and would sometimes forget his lines. In one scene, he is supposed to start barking orders at my character (his goofy lazy son-in-law) to pick up a bathtub that is lying in the living room and bring it upstairs. He said nothing. And I stood there thinking why would I say anything, I'm lazy. So I sat down on the couch and picked up a newspaper. After a couple of seconds, I looked at him and said, "Well I suppose you want me to take that thing upstairs and get it out of sight?" He fumbled a bit and got back on track.

Once, in Plain and Fancy, I started to fall asleep on stage in the middle of the scene...while standing up facing upstage with my back to the audience. One of the guys facing me saw me start to go, and took a step forward which got me out of it. The next night, I decided to have some fun with him and played like I was going to go again and faked him out. He was not happy!

And now the best of all time...Stop me if I've shared this one before.
You're A Good Man Charlie Brown in New York City 1994. I was playing Charlie Brown, At our last performance I got sick in my dressing room about an hour before the show. I felt better. Thought maybe I go it all out of my system and then went on to do the show. It was going fine until The Kite Song.  I started getting sick again. I got through the number but the urge to vomit was getting stronger.  I continued on thinking to myself "When do I get a break? Oh Damn! I don't leave until intermission."  I did a quick bit with Patty about the valentines cards and on my reaction, instead of saying I can't stand it, I ran behind Snoopy's dog house, got down on all fours, and threw up.

I then got up and walked off stage. The piano player continued to play. The cast gathered around me. (No one is on stage at this point.)  What do we do? I was leaning against the wall stage right prepping myself. I took a deep breath, stood up straight and said, "Let's go on." The Doctor Is In is next . Lets just go out there and go on. I walked out on stage, saw that the set was not in place for that scene, walked off the other side of the stage and looked at everyone and said OK, here's what we're going to do, we're going to go out there and change the blocks around for the Doctor Is In, hopefully the light booth will see what we are doing and go into the light cue for that scene. And that's exactly what happened.  I managed to finish the first act.

But Act Two, not so good. I got weaker as the show went on. By The Glee Club, I couldn't even stand without feeling sick, so I sat on a block next to the rest of the cast for that number. As soon as the show ended, I got in a cab and went straight home to bed where I stayed for the next two days.  Here's the thing...no one in the audience had a clue that I had thrown up on stage. It was all hidden behind the doghouse and it was clear, odorless and there wasn't much of it since I had gotten most of it out of my system prior to the show.

And that is my most embarrassing moment on stage. What are yours?

Classic TV on DVD Review - Maude

My most recent acquisitions Maude Season Four and Newhart Season Five. I'm in the middle of Newhart now. I finished Maude last week.  My thoughts on Maude.

It shares a great deal in common with All in the Family for obvious reasons. Maude was spun off of All in the Family (AITF) after Beatrice Arthur made a guest appearance on AITF. The feel is the same, it has the topic of the week and there's lots of shouting and loud audience reactions.

Like Norman Lear's other shows of the 1970s, its very dated. I feel this one is even more dated than AITF.  What's really interesting to see is Beatrice Arthur as someone other than Dorothy Zbrornak of The Golden Girls. Let's face it, The Golden Girls has become fully entrenched in our pop culture over the last 20 years.  The Golden Girls has become ubiquitous.  But in a good way. Maude is not Dorothy, but she sounds just like her. And after Bea Arthur had her face lift in Season Two (in real life and written into the show), she looks a little more like Dorothy than Season One Maude.

But Maude is over the top. She's loud opinionated and completely self-centered. Something Dorothy was not. In Season Three,  the comedy started to move away from the controversial topic of the week to get a little more slapstick. More emphasis on Vivian and Arthur and their marriage and the introduction of Mrs. Naugatuck who replaced Esther Rolle as the maid once Florida got her spin off. The comedy is much broader especially where she is concerned. Florida was understated and her sarcasm was subtle. Mrs. Naugatuck is a loud 60-something British maid whose a compulsive liar who clashes with Maude. The stories of her past are outrageous.

What is interesting and I find relevant to today are the episodes dealing with women's rights. Its interesting to see these shows knowing that the conversation is still very much alive today. In one episode, Maude's daughter Carol is passed over for a promotion at her job...because she is a woman. You heard right. Because she's a woman. She is the best person in her department and she's given a raise but they hire a man for the manager job. So he proposes that she come over after hours, and she does much to Maude, the ultra-feminist's dismay. But of course, Carol doesn't do anything. She leaves with her dignity in tact.

In another episode, Walter (Maude's husband) is entertaining a wealthy business man who is going to invest in Walter's appliance store. But he expects a woman in turn.  And Walter has a girl in his store who is the office good time girl. When she gets sick, Carol agrees to help Walter out by being attentive to the business man.  Maude is outraged that Walter would do such a thing. Carol says she's in control and knows what she's doing and finally Walter sees that he is pimping her out, and tells off the business man.

In yet another, an old high school friend of Maude's who has gone on to become a Gloria Steinem type is visiting for the holidays and she challenges everyone's views on women. And in the season's 3-part opener, Walter leaves Maude when she decides to run for state senate and he refuses to support because he wants a full-time wife.

I feel these stories while somewhat dated in 1970s ideas are still very relevant to today's climate. To this say women are still fighting to be treated equally with men.

Dated? Yes. A great time capsule of 1970s TV? Yes.  I think I'll take The Golden Girls over Maude any day.

I Wrote A Play

I wrote a play some time ago. Its been sitting in my computer fro quite a few years now. Its short. I always felt it needed something more. So I recently added a bit more, made some adjustments, tightened it a bit. And then I did something really scary. I invited some friends over to read it.

I hosted a reading in my apartment and cast friends of mine in the various roles. I was nervous. Oh, who am I kidding? I was scared. Really scared. What if it wasn't any good? What if no one got any of the jokes? Or if they thought my story was lame? I mean it is somewhat semi-autobiographical. It reflects my own thoughts and some of my own experiences. What if they laughed at that and therefore laughed at me? I couldn't take it. That's why it was sitting on my computer for so long with our anyone seeing it.

So, they came over. I gave them a brief rundown of the script and the characters they were about to read and they read it. And it was funny.  They all laughed in the right places. And appreciated the heart of the story. It was a great relief to me. I mean this was me. I was putting myself out there so to speak. Putting my life on the line, in a way. Its scared me. You see, its difficult for me to share my writing, my thoughts, my ideas, my acting, etc. I'm so scared of rejection, so sure no one gets me. So her it was. Once again, I was proven wrong.

I got nothing but positive feedback. Everyone loved it. Liked my writing. It was fun. But then, of course, once we got past all the positives, I did get some notes. And I have taken them all to heart and done some re-writes. I still have more to do. I've added a couple of scenes to develop the main relationship more. I've given one of the supporting characters a speech at the end where he tells off the bad guys. I've given one of the villains more of an arc to get to their decision to turn on the lead.

So now, I have booked a theater and invited people to come and see a staged reading. All the actors are back. I'm replacing two with actors who are more age appropriate for their roles.   I've invited many people. I need to invite meow., I'm scared again. Not sure the re-writes will work. Well, some of them do, but I'm not sure about all the new scenes. Of course, it makes it longer. But it was really short to begin with.

So here we go again. June 19th at 7pm at The Attic Theatre on Washington Blvd. in Los Angeles. The jury will be out. Will it go any further from that? I don't know. It may be a film. Maybe continue as a play. That's what this is for. Hopefully, the right people will come and see this and maybe someone will champion this. And I can develop to even further and get up a full production.

If you're in Los Angeles on June 19 and are looking for something to do, come see it. There will be wine and cheese and a talk back after.

BTW...I should be writing right now. Bye! See you on the 19th.