Performance Anxiety

I need to vent. Yesterday, I had an audition for a show at a big prominent musical theater company here in the Los Angeles area. I've auditioned for them a few times over the last couple of years and have a few friends that have worked there. In fact, my last audition there last spring went quite well.

So I chose to audition for this show because there is a part in it that is perfect for me. I came very close to getting cast in this same role at another CLO in the area a few years back but ultimately did not get the part, but the artistic director was very happy with my audition and assured me it was a tough decision and she hoped I would continue to audition for them in the future.

So, I went into this audition yesterday armed with the same audition song. This is a song that I learned over 20 years ago and know like the back of my own hand.  I've sung it at cabaret nights, open mic nights and in my own cabaret act.  I went to this audition confident that I am right for this role and I had a song that was perfect for the character I want to be considered for and I know it well. I get to the audition location and am placed on deck in the hallway outside the audition room with two others. And that's when it hit me! Nerves. Big time nerves.

I stood there and realized how nervous I was. I kept telling myself that I had this. I know this song. It's mine. I had to keep talking to myself. I am a talented actor and singer. I know what I am doing. People like me. There is no reason to be this nervous. I'm Richard Van Slyke. I just need to go in there and show them.  I have this. Why am I so nervous?

I mean, I have been doing this for over 30 years. Why am I still riddled with nerves? Seriously. I've worked with vocal/acting coaches in New York and here in Los Angeles. I've taken voice lessons. I've worked professionally. I've been in dozens and dozens of shows. I've been in therapy. I've been given tricks to help me get through my nerves. But they don't go away. What is going on? Why am I still so lacking in self-confidence?

Here I am in line with much younger actors and singers probably not with half the experience that I have. They don't have their Equity cards. I do. And yet, I'm intimidated. I'm scared that I'm not as good as them. I don't belong here. Then I tell myself, these kids are here for chorus parts. You are here for one of the principal roles.  Seriously, what is wrong with me? When will I get over this?

A former acting teacher gave me a mantra to recite to myself, "I am me and that is enough."  I forget that.

Oh, and the audition...it went fine. I got through it. I sounded good. The acting was right on. I have fun with this song. I need to remember that. It's out of my hands now.