Too Early for the Christmas Tree?

It's November 30. Thanksgiving Weekend has come to an end. Black Friday has come and gone. It is now Cyber Monday.  It is officially the Holiday Season. The Christmas decorations are out in all the malls and stores. People are decorating their homes.

Before I get on the main topic of house decorations, I 'd like to sidestep for a moment and address retail holiday decorations. Every year I hear people complain that the stores are putting the Christmas decorations out earlier and earlier every year. No. They are not. In 1978, I got my first job working in the garden shop and toy departments at Sears. In the fall, the garden shop because the Trim A Tree Shop.  When did we set it up? Labor Day Weekend. That was in 1978 to 1981 folks.  From 1985 to 1987 I worked at Filene's Department Store. The deadline for putting up the Christmas Holiday Shop was Labor Day. That was in the 1980s. So, in fact, the stores are NOT putting out the holiday goods any earlier than they have in the last few decades. As for the store decorations, those did not go up until November. Some stores out them out earlier in November than others. But for the most part its mid-November before yo start seeing the holiday decor all over.

Now on to our main topic...

Is it too soon for the Christmas tree? Its a yearly dilemma for me. I mean. I personally think its too soon to put up the Christmas tree. I know many people, including friends do. It's Thanksgiving Weekend, the start if the holiday season, it's time to put up my tree. I get it. You're excited. You love the holidays. The sooner, the better and the longer you can celebrate Christmas in your home.

I like to wait...at least a week or two. I mean, if I put up the tree now, it will be up for over a month. And how special is the actual holiday if I have it up all month? I know. Its fun to have it up. It makes the house a little special. And why not spread the holiday cheer throughout the whole month? I get it. I do. I just prefer to wait at least a week after Christmas.

Growing up, we usually didn't get our tree until maybe two weekends before Christmas.  If I got a live tree, I would probably wait so it will stay fresh longer. But since I have a fake tree, I can put it up sooner. But not yet. Its not even December yet.

Maybe I will start by putting out some decorations this week. My holiday table runner. Some pine scented holiday candles. Maybe couple of nutcrackers, and I'll hand the Christmas tree dish towels on the oven handle. Oh! And maybe the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree statue on the table as a centerpiece. And my Santa. And the snow globe.

Oh, who am I kidding? Everything is out now. But not the tree. The tree can wait...until next weekend. Thats' what? Six days. No, maybe five. I'll put up Friday. If I can wait that long!

When do you put your tree up?

My Brush With the C Word

I'm not sure what triggered this, maybe it was someone posting on Facebook about doing a walk for breast cancer or something like that. Whatever it was, it prompted me to share my own story about cancer.

I would like to start with a disclaimer. I do not talk much about this and have very rarely shared this chapter of my past because to be perfectly honest I feel like I didn't really have cancer. It was caught very very early and there have never been any signs of a return. In fact it was caught and removed before I even knew I had it for sure. So in my mind I didn't really have it. Denial on my part? You decide.

This happened when I was 26 years old. So it was back in olden times. You know pre-cell phones, pre-computers, pre-voicemail, maybe even pre-fax machines.

Oh! Also, there is going to be some TMI here. So gird your loins!

One day, I was at the gym on the rowing machine. I looked down and noticed that my right testicle was hanging out of my shorts. What!? That's weird. I tucked it back in and noticed that it feel a little heavier than normal. I should also tell you at this point (for those of you who don't know me personally), that I am a very modest person. In fact, I am downright conservative. I don't even get naked in the gym locker room. So for this to happen to me was shocking and embarrassing. I immediately looked around to see if anyone saw anything.

As time passed, I would occasionally notice that the heft or weight seemed to grow. It was odd, but I thought it would pass. Nothing else seemed to be wrong.  Then one morning I woke up and stood to get out of bed and it hurt. The movement of getting up (I slept on a fold-out futon-sofa at the time so I was pretty close to the floor). The effort to get up from the floor hurt my balls. I went to work.

At the time I was an assistant buyer for an old school downtown department store in Schenectady, New York. The last of its kind in the Tri-Cities. The building was old and was in fact two old buildings that had been connected, the actual department store and the offices were two separate buildings that had been connected. The floors were not even so no matter where you went from one building to the other, you had to climb stairs. Climbing the stairs was extremely painful. Getting up from my chair was extremely painful. Standing, sitting climbing stairs. It all hurt. I went to the doctor.

It was a new doctor, I just joined this HMO and it was my first visit. He checked me out, took blood samples, and gave me a prescription for something that reduce the inflammation on testicle.  He also referred me to a urology specialist at another one of their offices. The medication did reduce the swelling. I was in less pain, but it wasn't going away.

I went to the urologist. More blood was drawn (I was becoming a pro at the blood drawing). My testicles were examined some more. (Not an easy thing for me. I was not crazy about someone touching my balls). He sent me to have a sonogram...on my balls. Yes, just a sonogram like pregnant women have to see their baby. Except mine was on my balls. Cold gel and paddles on my balls executed by a woman. I am definitely out of my comfort zone here. I mean at this point (age 26) I have only ever been naked in front of another human being on two occasions.

Back to the urologist. Nothing found on the sonogram, the swelling has gone down from the medication. Worst case scenario it could be a malignant tumor that will need to be removed. All seems good, but he can't be positive. Best to have a second opinion. He refers me to the head of urology at Albany Medical Center. I make an appointment for a Friday morning before I go into work.

First thing Friday morning, I go to Albany Med for my appointment. The head of urology comes into the examining room with the resident assigned to his department. They have me strip down (This again!)  They look. They touch. And then, the only way to know for sure what that lump is, is to go under the knife and get inside so we can see. And you cannot wait. This must be done as soon as possible in case it is in fact malignant. Let's set you up for surgery for Monday morning.

I go back to the waiting area to sing all the paperwork. I'm reading through. I see something that I wasn't clear on in the exam room. I ask the nurse. She can't answer. So she gets the doctor and I go back in the exam room to ask him. Its says if you find a tumor then you will remove the whole thing right then and there. I thought you were just going to go in look, and then close me up and we would discuss later. No, if its a tumor, it has to come out right away. Not just the tumor folks, the whole testicle. It goes.

I sign the papers, I got to work. I tell my boss and I break down in tears as its coming out of me. Suddenly its real. That night I have dinner at my parent's house for my sister Wendy's birthday. Both my sisters already know that something has been up with me because I have told them. I tell my father when I arrive. He says we will wait and tell my mother after dinner and my sisters have left. We tell her together, I can't really get it out. They insist on me staying with them the night before surgery so they can take me to the hospital and then I can recuperate at their house after.

Sunday, I go to the hospital to fill out all the paper work and then Monday morning I go in for same day surgery and spend the night Monday night. That's how it worked back then. Nowadays, it truly is same-day, in and out. We go to the hospital in the wee hours of the morn on Monday. There are also convicts from Albany County Jail being wheeled in for surgery changed to their gurneys. Oh yeah!

I'm in prep before being wheeled into the OR, at which point the doctor asks if I want a prosthetic if the testicle needs to be removed. I am not prepared for this. In my mind, I do not have cancer. Its not worst case scenario. I've just got some sort of swelling. I'm still in denial.

I wake up after surgery in post-op. They prop me up, give me some apple juice. The nurse informs me that it was a tumor and it has been removed. There is an intern on staff who had testicular cancer as well. If I'd like he can stop by and talk to me. Sure, why not? Now funny thing is, I was told in advance that I would not remember much about post-op if at all. I remember everything! LOL

I am brought up to my room. I cannot bring myself to look at myself below the waist let alone touch it. I know that there is a dressing on it. That's all. I'm shown how to use a pillow as a brace so to speak so I can sit up or get up. I'm scared to death that any movement I make will cause the stitches to rip. I lay perfectly still.

My parents are both there. The doctor comes in and explains that it was a malignant tumor and the whole thing has been removed. I am to spend the night in the hospital and in the morning before I leave they will run an MRI to make sure that the cancer has not spread and I am clean.

I get a roommate. A much older man on all kinds of machines. What am I dioxin here with him? He's really sick or hurt. He belongs there. Not me. I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. I feel guilty being in the same room with him.

The doctor asks if I have been up yet to go to the bathroom. Are you kidding me? What I my stitches split open and my insides spill all over the floor? He says there's no reason why I can't. There is a bottle on the nightstand for me to use for relieving myself. Lovely. I have to go. My dad buzzes the nurse. She comes in. We explain the doctor said I can get up and walk to the bathroom. She disagrees, but alright lets give it a try. She and my dad, grab me on either side and proper me up. I put one foot on the floor and...bam! Nope. Not going to happen.  I start to pas out. They ease me back into bed. I guess I'll have to use the bottle on the nightstand.

My sisters have both just shown up as I'm about to pee into the bottle in my bed. Nice! My dad escorts them out and shuts the door. He stays. Um. You need to go too. He draws the curtain around the bed so I can have some privacy. In those days, I was also the sort who couldn't pee in a public restroom if there were others join there. No matter how bad I had to go!

I do my business. My sisters come in. I buzz for the nurse to pick up the bottle filled with my urine which is now sitting on the nightstand as my sisters come into visit me. At one point, my sister Debbie is looking rather awkwardly at the bottle full of urine on the nightstand. She is sitting right next to it. I buzz again for the nurse.

At one point the doctor comes around for rounds again when I am alone, this time with all the interns. He comes in and pull back the sheets and while up my hospital gown so I am now exposed to all the interns. Hello! Nice to meet you! Guess I need to get over my modestly at this point.

The next day, I get my MRI and I go home with my parents. I'm still saying to myself. I didn't have cancer. I mean seriously. I didn't find out I had a tumor until was removed. So I didn't really have cancer.

My parent put me up in my sister Debbie's old room. They put in an air conditioner. Move the TV from the family room in along with a VCR and rent me movies to watch. They buy me food. My sisters come to visit, one of our neighbors. But that's about it. I hadn't told anyone about this so no one knows and I have no visitors. After a day I work up enough strength to walk down the hall to sponge bathe myself sitting on the toilet. After about five days I start going outside for walks.

After a week, I go into the oncologist and set up a schedule for radiation treatments. Every Monday through Friday, I have to go back for treatments. The humiliation has not ended. Because now every day, I have strip down from the waist down, get on a table, wrap a lead band around my balls to protect them from radiation and then shove them inside a protective mold. The radiation is aimed at a square area (yes they even marked the quadrant on my pelvic area), which includes my private parts. And they need to be protected. In fact, before we started I was asked if I wanted save some sperm for the future in case I wanted to have kids. I couldn't even think about that stuff. At age 26 I had only dated someone about a year earlier and only for a couple months and we never had sex. I was still pretty much a virgin and being a closeted gay, I thought well I don't know. How does that work? So, no. I passed.

But oh, having to do that every day.  It was not easy for me, but I did get over my modesty. I mean it seemed like the whole world had seen me with my pants down now.

So that was it. My brush with the Big C. That was over 27 years ago. There's been no recurrence. And I still kind of feel like I didn't really have it. I mean people go through so much worse. I didn't go through anything really. I found a lump. It was removed. I had some radiation. End of story.

Cut to a few months later, my parents were initially proud of the way I handled the whole thing. But then, they became concerned that maybe I don't handle it so well. I never talked about it. I acted as if it didn't happen. But that was my way of dealing with it. I didn't know what it was until after the surgery. So until that point , I was convinced that it wasn't. And then after, I felt like well its gone. So its over. No point in dwelling on it. Just move on.

What do you think? Do you have cancer stories to share?  I'd like to hear about yours. Leave comments in the Comments section.

Dream Roles - My Bucket List

Ok. Been meaning to talk about this subject since I started this blog.

My dream roles. What are the parts I want to cross off my bucket list?

Here they are, in no particular order, just as they come to mind:

The Baker - Into the Woods
Applegate - Damn Yankees
Rooster - Annie
Roger De Bris - The Producers
Felix Unger - The Odd Couple
Kreton - A Visit to a Small Planet
Marvin - Falsettos
Alan - Baby
Jonathan Brewster - Arsenic and Old Lace
Henry Higgins - My Fair Lady
Charles Condomine - Blithe Spirit
Mason Marzac - Take Me Out
Mr. Macafee - Bye Bye Birdie
Hinesy - The Pajama Game


These aren't exactly dream roles, just ones I would like to play:
Harry in Company
Ensemble in Evita
Ensemble in Sweeney Todd
Twimble - How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
Benny Southstreet - Guys and Dolls
Dale Harding - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Arnold Wiggins - The Boys Next Door

Ones I'm probably too old for but I really wish I'd had a chance:

Cornelius Hackl - Hello Dolly
Albert Peterson - Bye Bye Birdie
George - She Loves Me
Chuck - Promises Promises
Charlie - The Foreigner
Snoopy - You're A Good Man Charlie Brown

Whats' that you say? Are there any that I have already played?  Why, yes:

Harold Nichols - The Full Monty (And I want to do it again and again!) THE perfect part for me.
Charlie Brown - You're A Good Man Charlie Brown
Prince Dauntless - Once Upon A Mattress
The Scarecrow - The Wizard Of Oz
Scrooge - A Christmas Carol
Reuben - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat


What are yours? Tell me in the Comments section below.

Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving week. Not just the day itself, but the week. Why? Because it means a day off in the middle of the week. It means we get to leave work a couple of hours early on Wednesday. It also means that even though I will go into work on Friday, half the office will be out of the office and it will be quiet and more relaxed. That's why!

I have plans for Thanksgiving Day. I usually go to a friend's house. She and her husband have lovely outdoor entertaining area and we eat outside. And later when the sun sets and it cools off, we sit around the fie pit and maybe play games. It's nice.

And in recent years, I have hosted a Thanksgiving Eve game night at my place so that makes the holiday even more special. Better than the years when I would stay home by myself and sulk, maybe binge watch some TV. Sometimes on Thanksgiving Day, I would go out and get dinner at a drive through...El Pollo Loco. One year, I even went into Kmart just because I was curious to see who would be shopping on Thanksgiving Day. It got me out of the house.

My family is all back in Albany, NY. I live in Los Angeles. I have lived here for 12 years now. I have not been back for Thanksgiving since I moved to LA. I do go back for Christmas. Before that I lived in New York City for 13 and a half years.  When I lived in NYC, I went home every Thanksgiving, except the the couple of years that I was working acting jobs on the road. And there were two years when I decided to stay in NYC for Thanksgiving. That was so much fun.

The first time, I was sharing an apartment on the Upper West Side, and the night before my friend Bruin came over and he and I went to a local bar that was on the UWS in the 1990s called The Works on Columbus Ave right behind the Museum of Natural History. The streets all around the area here is where all the floats and balloons for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade are assembled and blown up the night before. And the area is mobbed with people walking around checking them out. My friend Brian worked at The Capezio Store on Broadway over the Winter Garden Theatre and on Thanksgiving morning they hosted a pot luck brunch for employees, family and friends where you could watch the parade. It was awesome because we were on the second floor and it was all windows facing Broadway. It was kind of a gloomy day and we were inside and eye level with all the celebrities on the floats. Really great. After, we went to see a showing of Aladdin at the Loew's down the block from our apartment and then went to a diner on Amsterdam that served Turkey Dinner. It was the best.

10 years later, I did it again with my friend Mark, minus the parade and we ate at Virgil's BBQ in Times Square. I decided not to go home until the day after Thanksgiving. I wanted to be there for my friend Mark who was not going home because he was going to work the day after Thanksgiving (he waited tables at Orso). And it gave me an excuse to not go home.  To be honest I didn't like spending the holidays with my sister's in laws. I just wanted to celebrate with my family. I don't want strangers there. I want just my family. No strangers. Yes, I'm a big baby.

So I went home the day after Thanksgiving and spent the rest of the weekend in Albany with my family. My cousin and his new wife were visiting from England, so I got to meet her. It also turned out to be the last time I would see my father. I had no way of knowing that at the time. He wasn't close to death. But about two weeks later, he had a heart attack and died. Made me wish I had gone home for Thanksgiving Day.

I know there's no sense in running things like that over in your head...If only I'd gone back for that Thanksgiving Day, I would have had another day with him. I was there. Just a day later. That's what counts. He did see me. Imagine if I hadn't gone home at all? I wouldn't have been able to live with myself.

Arsenic and Old Lace and other classic comedies

Last night I saw Arsenic and Old Lace at Glendale Centre Theatre. A friend of mine was in the show and as it turns out a few friends were in the audience as well.

I first discovered Arsenic and Old Lace via the movie version on TV when I was around college age. It was my introduction to Cary Grant. Love him in this movie. So damn funny. I like the play too. Not as much as some of the other classic Broadway comedies of that era but I still like it quite a bit. I tend to like the older plays from the mid-20th century (Kaufman and Hart's plays, Neil Simon's a couple of decades later).  So many great plays.

So many plays that were standards in community, stock, college and high school theaters all across the country for decades. But these days, maybe not as frequently performed, although still done on occasion. Now I sometimes hesitate when I go to see productions of this era these days. Afraid they may not stay true to the era they were written by modernizing some references or clothing styles.

I am happy to report this production did not disappoint in that department.  There was one joke in the second act that referenced Judith Andersen, and I had to process it. Mortimer says to his aunts who are dressed all in black for a funeral service, that they look like Judith Andersen. And then I thought to myself. Judith Andersen. Older actress, British Dame. Known for Medea. Oh! And the Alfred Hitchcock movie, Rebecca where she played Mrs. Danvers who was obsessed with the first Mrs. de Winter and is dressed all in black throughout the movie. Oh. Yeah. Funny! I wonder how many people in the audience got that. I'd say none based not he fact that it didn't get a laugh.

But back to the play. The pacing was good for the most part. There was one actor in the opening scene who did not have good pacing.  I liked the actor playing Mortimer. He reminded me A LOT of Danny Thomas. I'm guessing if I told him that he would have no idea who Danny Thomas was.  My one quibble with  him was that he was considerably younger than the two actors playing his brothers. Both were also quite good as were the two aunts. What great parts!

The actor playing Jonathan was great. He looked scary and moved kind of like Boris Karloff in Frankenstein, (which is the main gag for his character).  But he really had it down. He was funny.

The reason I'm going on about this is that about 10 years ago saw a production of Arsenic and Old Lace that was not good.  And I saw it because I knew several people involved in it. In fact, they closed it down, re-cast a couple of roles and re-opened it. It was definitely better the second time around. But man, the first version. Yikes! I felt like the lead actors didn't get it. They didn't get the style at all. And this brings me to my point.

I feel that many actors who are a decade or more younger than me, don't get plays and TV shows from before the 1980s. Seriously. Like they don't know how to play comedy at all. And I'm talking about really good well-trained actors who are serious about their craft. And maybe that's my problem. Not that I don't take these plays seriously. But to me there is a whole style of acting that has gone out of favor. And its the kind of acting that I like. I feel like a relic.

I feel this type of play falls into the sitcom category as well. There were many plays on Broadway around the 1960s or so (like the Neil Simon plays) that come from the same type of humor...sitcom. Setup. Setup. Joke.  Guaranteed laughs.  But I think so many actors today don't grow with that so they don't get it. They try to dissect and analyze and approach it like a serious piece. And they miss the beats, the rhythms. Because all great comedy has a rhythm, a pacing, a style. You need to know this and feel it in addition to all the other acting research.

So I am happy to say that Arsenic and Old Lace at Glendale Centre Theatre got it right. It was a delight.

I'm done with my homework. Can I watch TV?

I'm bored.

Yeah. I'm sitting here at my computer typing. The TV is on right behind me. The dishwasher is running. There is a sweater drying on my dining table after a hand wash (its the only flat surface that is big enough). And I am here trying to think about what to write. I have a cold. I talked about that last night. Its now a real cold. The incubation period has ended and I now have a cold...for real.

SO I am not going out tonight. Tonight. I plan to watch TV. A full night of it. Just like the good old days. I will watch the CBS comedies, even though I only really like Big Bang and Mom. The other two not as much. And then at 10, assuming I don't go to sleep, I will watch How To Get Away With Murder. Which is getting away with a whole lot of mess if you ask me.

I mean that show has to be the most convoluted plot in TV history. Like you seriously need a scorecard to keep track of who has done what and to whom and when and how and where. I think right now everyone except one character is either guilty of one or more murders or cover ups or accessory to. And they all hook up with one another every week. Male to male, females to female, male to female, the same female with both males and females. I mean I can;t even. But its still interesting and fun enough to keep up with.

Then there are the shows you want to divorce.  I was close with Arrow, but they got me back on board. But I definitely don't care about Oliver's flashback stuff. I mean just get him off the damn island already,. He was on the island the first two season, then last season he was on Hong Kong...or was it China? and now this year he is back on the island but there's a whole new set of crazies on the island. Who are these people?   

Wait. Ami I talking about Lost? No. No, its Arrow. But it reminds me of Lost. The back and forth between the present and the past. Who is the enemy on the island? Him. No. There's another camp. They're the enemies. No. The first group is. No. Now they;re dead. So the second group is. No. Wait There's a whole new crew. They're bad and there's a bunch of innocents stranded on the island too. No. Wait. Ahhhhh!!! 

OMG! Enough with the flashbacks. Oliver has been back for over three years now. Let's stop with the flashbacks.. I'm done. Give me more Felicity. I love her. No. Really. She is the best thing about the show. The one light in a world of very very dark.

The Flash, on the other hand, I absolutely love. It is awesome, The introduction of all the characters from the comics. The special effects and it's not as dark. Not at all. Has much more of a sense of humor. Love it.

Almost 8:00. Time for Big Bang. Time to go.  Later!

Feed a Cold is a Free Pass To Eat

Catching a cold. I am catching a cold. And I am not happy. I am never happy when I have a cold. But then I guess no one is happy when they have a cold.

It hit me last night after dinner.  And today, I was okay. Functioning. But not great. Had a PT appointment after work and when I told my PT that I was coming down with cold, he said go home.  After questioning me about where I was in the stage of the cold, he sent me home.  Still incubating I guess. So no chances to take. Go home and don't give me your sickness.

So I went home. Had some dinner. And now two hours later, I want more. Feed a cold, starve a fever. So now I am about to go to the store and by snack food because well you know, feed a cold! I have a cold. Ergo I can eat whatever I want and stain the couch watching TV. No dance class tonight. No gym.  Those were my alternatives tonight. But, I'm under the weather so...you know. FEED A COLD!  Feed me Seymour. Feed me now!


Healthy eating can wait until this passes, right? Feed a cold!

It's pretty early in the game for this cold. I'm not sneezing or coughing. I'm not stuffed up. Just a bit of scratchy throat and some congestion the sinuses. But I'm so tired. My eyes hurt. Their red. I will definitely go to bed early tonight. Like by 10, which is early for me.

Oh! And I have gas. Really disgusting smelly gas. What? TMI? Aren't you glad I shared?

I mean I feel fine. I'm just really tired. And my throat is irritating me. If I medicate myself enough it could go either way. I could take my Nyquil and wake up tomorrow feeling better or I could wake up even worse than I am today.

I just want to sleep and eat. Because, well, I have an excuse to eat. Feed a cold, people! Feed a cold! The greatest advice ever given. Its a like a free pass when you're on a diet.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Ralph's to get some cookies, and Cheez-Its and maybe some hummus and pita chips. And juice! I love juice!

See you on the other side of this cold.

Am I an Internet Junkie?

When I'm bored, I surf the Internet. When I'm at work, I surf the Internet. When I'm on my lunch break, I surf the Internet. When I get home and after I've finished dinner, I surf the Internet. When I get home from the gym, I surf the Internet. On the weekends and on my days off, when I get out of bed, I surf the Internet. Ah, who am I kidding? I have an iPad. When I wake up on Saturdays and Sundays and I'm still lying in bed, I surf the Internet.

I may have problem.

I can't stop. It's my go to activity.  It's an excuse to procrastinate. When I had a sketch to write for Acme Comedy Theatre or for my web series, I would force myself to go to Starbucks or Coffee Bean so I wouldn't be as distracted as I would at home. Noticed I said as distracted as opposed to not being distracted at all. Why? Because I will still surf the Internet in between writing a page of dialog. I will. Can't stop.

Have to see if there's any new emails to respond to or if anyone has viewed my profile on Match.com or OK Cupid. I need to check Facebook to see if anyone has resounded to or liked any of my posts. And to read what any of my friends might have posted.

And then there's youtube. God love youtube. It is THE rabbit hole of all rabbit holes. I dare you to log in and just watch one. C'mon I dare you.  You can't. can you? I didn't think so. Hey. I'm not judging. I am the poster child for watching youtube. Its as bad as my TV addiction.

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Oops! You see that. Just then. I did it. I went away for three minutes my fb page, saw a link to youtube video and watched it. And now I am back.

My addiction to the Internet is now so bad that I watch TV with my iPad in hand and read emails, check my occupied and match profiles, and sometimes read an leave comments on my fb page. Stop The Madness! What happened to me?

For someone who rails against technology and how its changed our lives bad ways because its chipping away at all social niceties, formalities and human interactions, I sure act like the opposite. When did I become this person? I used to just watch TV and nothing else. Now some nights, I have the TV on, I'm sitting at the computer AND I have my iPad sitting open on my desk next to me so I can play Trivia Crack. What in God's name?

Please, someone, help me before I sink so far down that rabbit hole, I never come back!

My name is Richard and I'm an Internet-holic.

Why Does Travel Turn People Into Animals?

So I took a short trip this weekend and flew. And the usual crop of frustrations with air travel came up. You know like the cramped space in the seats. The woman next to me was very sweet but she was not a small woman and she filled out the whole space. She was in the middle seat and I was on the window.  I was crammed in leaning against the window. I could not sit up straight because she occupied the the seat and the arm rests reading her book. Not her fault. But I was crammed.


One of my biggest pet peeves with air travel, well travel in general, is the idea that we seem to be treated like cattle. Think about it. We are here'd like cattle! We stand in lines. Long lines. Every step[ of the way. At the check-in counters, at the security checks, at the gate to get on the plane, Waiting to get off the plane.  We. Are. Cattle. And what gets me is that everyone has to be first in line or first off the plane. Like you don't have reserved seat that you are assigned to. Like its general admission or first come, first serve.

I also love the people who are up on their feet the second the plane is parked at the gate. No, not the ones that stand up. I know its been a long flight and they're cramped in their little seat. It's good to stand up and stretch your legs. Its the ones who don't have the patience to wait for the people in the rows in front of them to get out of their seats. Seriously. What is that about? Wait your turn. Be polite and let the people in the row in front of you out first.

I also love how people will start lining up to board before the boarding process starts. You have an assigned seat! And with United anyway, thats the airline I usually fly, you are assigned a seating are (1 - 5). I am always in group 2 because I am in their frequent flyer program. And since airlines started charging for luggage, people now like to get as much into their carry on luggage as they can so they can travel without checking luggage. I get it.

But it also ticks me off. Again, because I am a United Mileage Plus member, I get to check one bag for free so I never have too much to bring on the plane. But even for short trips where I only have a carryon, I do not over load or take advantage by bringing on too many pieces.  It bugs me when I see people with too many carry on items.

It has become very common for the gate agents to ask passengers to check any bags that might not fit in the overheads. Today's flight was one of those cases. The two men online right in front of me were asked to put their bags in the rack they use to measure the size. And its it doesn't fit, they must check their bag at the end of the ramp. She printed out luggage tags and put them on the bags.

The entitled bald, fat assed, middle-aged man in front of me, tore the tag off as soon as we went through the gate door and crumpled the tag up in his hand. When we got on the plane, he threw the crumpled ticket into the first open over head in the economy section.  Then when he got to his row, he threw his jacket and shoulder bag down in the middle of the aisle so he could put his carry on in the overhead, (I didn't realize it was his stuff in the aisle until he was done and went to his seat), so no one could pass. He proceeded to try and shove his overstuffed carry on luggage into the overhead. It wouldn't fit. In my mind I kept saying please please don't let it fit at all. Please let him have to turn around and leave his bag outside to be checked. It wouldn't fit so he went to another spot and SHOVED it in till it went.

I wanted so bad for that ass to get busted. Part of me wanted to tell the crew. But I figured what good would it do anyway. He'd probably yell at me and call an asshole for ratting him out. And I get the mentality of getting in line sooner. Get on early so you don't lose a spot in the overhead. But seriously, when the flight crew tells you it's too big and they tag it to be checked and then you just basically say F U, that's not right. I just kept thinking to myself hopefully karma can be a bitch. And if this is how he lives his life, them he's got some karma coming to him.

Grumpy Old Guy Rant

Alright. Get ready. I'm putting on my grumpy old man hat.

I just got back from my lunch break. I went to my bank down the street to make a withdrawl from the ATM. There is only one branch of my bank on Bunker Hill, the neighborhood where my office is located.  And this one branch has only one ATM. The Bunker Hill neighborhood is made up of several tall skyscrapers housing all the major banks and financial institutions So as you can imagine, that makes for a large number of people here every weekday during business hours.

There are other banks on the hill here and in fact they all have corporate headquarters here on the hill so their branches not only have ATMs in the bank branches but also ATMs within their building lobbies and concourse levels. My bank does not as it does not have a presence here on Bunker Hill.

All this is to preface the fact that there was a long line at the ATM so I peaked inside the branch to see that the line for the tellers had only two people in it. So I went inside to make a withdrawl rather than stand in the long line at the ATM. Are people that dense? Do they not remember that you can make withdrawls inside the actual bank? Have they forgotten what we did before ATMs? But then I thought about it, it has been about 33-35 years since ATMs hit the scene. I realized that anyone under 45 or so probably didn't bank before ATMs so they probably never experienced life without ATMs.

In fact, when I go t back to my office I was talking about this with a co-worker who is 32. Do you know what he asked me?  "Can you make withdrawls at the teller windows?"  I mean..DUH! Yes! Of course you can. It's a bank. That's why they're there. Deposits and withdrawls. Hello?!

I. AM. OLD.

Rant Two:
There were only two windows open. Two tellers during lunch hour in a business district. This is not a residential, shopping or tourist area. Its a business area filled with business people who work weekdays. And all those many thousands of office workers take lunch breaks usually somewhere between the hours of 12 and 2. So you would think they would staff up during lunch breaks. I worked in retail management for years. If I were the branch manager I would schedule my staffs breaks around the rush hour. Its just common sense. But no. Despite having 10 windows in side the bank. There were only two windows open.

Now don't get me wrong, I realize that in this day and age most business is done using the ATMs and not as many people will come inside. These banks were built in an era when all your banking was done inside so that is why there are so many teller windows and they are not all staffed. But c'mon. Its lunch time. Have 4 windows open instead of two!

That's it. I'm done. Go back to your regularly scheduled lives.

Do I Watch Too Much TV?

In a previous post, I talked about my love for and longing of the old days of TV. Its true but I am also addicted to modern TV. I am a serial binge watcher. When did this happen and why do I obsess over it?  I start a show, I have to finish it off. Although I must say that at the same time, I find its a nice way to catch up on shows I've never seen.

And with the Netflix and Amazon Prime model, just watch it all at once. And watch I do. Usually in an entire weekend...or maybe I'll stretch it out over a week. But there's so much of it! How can I possibly?  I don't know, but I do. Right after 30 Rock came to an end, I went on Netflix and started at the beginning and watched every single episode over the next couple of weeks. All seven seasons chronologically.

How do I do this? I have no life. I am a sad lonely man. I work all day, come home and turn on the TV and watch,. I spend my lunch breaks on my iPad watching shows on Netflix. The last show I watched was Louie. All episodes available. Shows that I'm not watching on TV, but I'm curious about and I don't want to jump in on in the middle, I go back to the first season on Netflix (or Amazon Prime) and watch. Once, Parenthood, Drop Dead Diva. Don't judge me! I know it s a "chick show". Its still enjoyable.

My taste is eclectic. I mean Louie, Once, Parenthood, Drop Dead Diva, 30 Rock, add to that Orange is the New Black, Transparent, House of Cards, Mozart in the Jungle, Parks and Recreation (I was a couple seasons late to that party). And any Showtime, HBO show., I'm currently bingeing Veep and Episodes. And then there's the stuff I DVR, ABC Wednesday night comedy, CBS Thursday night comedies, DC TV shows (Arrow, The Flash and Supergirl). I may stop at their new Legends of Tomorrow. Sunday nights, well I guess Sunday nights are just The Good Wife. But a couple years ago it included The Amazing Race and Mad Men and Desperate Housewives and Downton Abbey. Oh! And Thursdays now also include How To Get Away With Murder but that one is getting so convoluted I may have to breakup with that one.

OK, Seriously who am I? Binge watching? Breaking up with a TV show? Streaming? iPad? Just a few years ago, none of these words were even in my vocabulary and I only used Netflix to rent DVDs. Hell! Remember how Netflix almost went under a few years back because they transitioning from DVD rental only to DVD or online rentals? And now...look at them!

And if I run out of shows on my DVR or a new show to stream, I watch HGTV. Its always on. Or I pop in a DVD from one of my old TV shows.

Is my life ruled by my TV? Do I need to get out of the house more? Am I boring because I don't know how to talk about anything else? Do you even care?  Do I even care? For the answer to these and other questions, tune in to the next episode of my blog.

Fall in So Cal

Its cold out. No really. Its cold out. Its 61 degrees at 9:40 pm. Freezing. I need to turn the heat on in my apartment. This morning, I got out the wool peacoat. It's freezing! I've got the sniffles and I'm taking echinacea.

What?! 61 degrees and I'm cold? I lived in New York City for 13 and a half years for Gods sake. This is nothing. Wait! And before that, I lived in Albany, NY for the first 28 years of my life. What happened to me? 61 degrees is cold to me? Yes! Dag nab it! It is.

When I moved here from NY, I donated more than half my sweaters to Goodwill. I had a few coats too. I got rid of all but one. I'm moving to Los Angeles, I thought. What use would I have for these? What use indeed.  You back in the Northeast may laugh and perhaps sneer at my complaining of the cold. But you try it. You move out here and see it you don't eventually convert too. If the temps drop below 60, you try and walk around in a short sleeve shirt or in shorts. You can't. I dare you. You'll be just like me.

It must be something in the air.  It does something to our blood. After you've been living here for a while, your body adjust so you can no longer tolerate anything under 60. Or you acclimate to the point that you body doesn't remember what it felt like to live in a colder climate.

As much as I love the warmer climate here and as much as I hate the long cold hard winters of upstate New York...I do miss the seasons. We don't really get them here. All we get is a drop in the temperature and maybe some rain. That's it. The leaves don't change color. There is no smell of burning leaves in the air. And its always green (or maybe yellow and some browning but that's only because there's a drought here). That's our winter and fall. Rain. Cold. Nothing more.  And at any time, the temperature can suddenly skyrocket to 90 degrees. It was in the 90s just a couple of weeks ago!

We weer complaining about the 90 degree heat. Now we're complaining about the cold temps, which really aren't that cold. Downright balmy compared to the East Coast. When did I become such a wimp? What happened to my blood? Am I no longer a true New Yorker? Am I a Californian now?

I always thought of myself as a New Yorker. No longer how long I live here, I still day I'm a New Yorker. Maybe I can't say that anymore? I still grumble at people that won't step in the crosswalk unless the Walk light is on. Please ! Bitch! I'm from New York City, we don't wait for no stinking Walk light!

I curse at cars that don't pull up all the way into the intersection when they are waiting to make a left hand turn. C'mon! Move INTO the intersection. Don't wait behind the crosswalk until there is a gap to turn. Los Angelenos! Geez!

Yeah, despite my lower tolerance of the cold, I am still a died in the wool New Yorker and you can never take that away from me!

Award Season in LA

Last night the Ovation Awards were handed out in Los Angeles. The Ovation Awards are LA's version of the TONY Awards given to theaters in LA.  The awards are broken down into two categories, Intimate Theatre and Large Theatre. And I love that they do that. Otherwise it would be like the big Broadway shows going up against the little Off-Off-Broadway houses.  There are so many intimate theaters here in Los Angeles, that I couldn't possibly name them all and I shan't!

The Broadway World Award nominations were announced yesterday as well. And again, even more friends and colleagues were nominated for awards. I wasn't. :( Boo Hoo! But then neither were the couple of productions I was in. That's okay because last year I got some love. Now, unlike the Ovations, there are a lot of categories. Unfortunately, the Broadway World Awards does not separate by smaller and larger theaters. But then they do separate the touring productions from the local productions. And they have cabaret awards. Thems a lot of awards!

But imagine being with a small theater in the Valley (that's the San Fernando Valley, the other side of the hills from Hollywood and West Hollywood for those of you outside of LA) and you're in your theatre company's intimate production of Uncle Vanya and you're up against Annette Bening inThe Cherry Orchard at The Geffen or Dame Judi Dench in The Importance of Being Ernest at The Ahmanson. It's hardly fair. (BTW I made those up Judi Dench did not do Ernest at The Ahmanson. But can  you imagine? Squee! Oh! But apparently Annette Bening did do The Cheery Orchard..at the Mark Taper...in 2006. I knew I didn't just pull that out of my ass) So yay to the Ovations for splitting up the categories.

So a handful of friends were nominated for Ovations and a couple even won! Yay!  But most of the nominated shows, I've never seen or even heard of.  I go to theater almost every weekend, yet I managed to miss so many great shows. Why is that? Poor taste in what I choose to see? I try to support my friends in their shows. My friends have poor taste in the project they choose to be in?

None of the above. It's simply this. There is a hell of a lot of theatre in Los Angeles. A ton of it! You can't possibly see all of it there is so much. That's right. Los Angeles. Big theater town. You didn't know that did you? Well, it's true. There are dozens and dozens of little theaters all over town. There are storefronts in almost every neighborhood of this city that have been converted into performance spaces. I have friends opening in shows every weekend. I wish I could see them all. And I want my friends to know right here and now that I really do have the best intentions and I really want to see them all but its tough. And obviously if I'm in a show, well then, it can't be done.

In the last few weeks alone I've one friend do standup, a group of friends and acquaintances from my acme Comedy Theatre days doing their improv show, Sondheim on Sondheim, Damn Yankees, Willy Wonka, Guys & Dolls, Broadway Bound and Spring Awakening.  Coming up, I have Heathers, Cat on A Hot Tin Roof, Arsenic and Old Lace and Deathtrap. Lots of old stalwarts there. Plus a cabaret act. And I'll bet there are a couple of other shows that I will have to see coming up, some new pieces.

Well, I have to go. Lots of theater to see. Congrats to all the nominees and winners! Go. Support Theatre!

Performance Anxiety

I need to vent. Yesterday, I had an audition for a show at a big prominent musical theater company here in the Los Angeles area. I've auditioned for them a few times over the last couple of years and have a few friends that have worked there. In fact, my last audition there last spring went quite well.

So I chose to audition for this show because there is a part in it that is perfect for me. I came very close to getting cast in this same role at another CLO in the area a few years back but ultimately did not get the part, but the artistic director was very happy with my audition and assured me it was a tough decision and she hoped I would continue to audition for them in the future.

So, I went into this audition yesterday armed with the same audition song. This is a song that I learned over 20 years ago and know like the back of my own hand.  I've sung it at cabaret nights, open mic nights and in my own cabaret act.  I went to this audition confident that I am right for this role and I had a song that was perfect for the character I want to be considered for and I know it well. I get to the audition location and am placed on deck in the hallway outside the audition room with two others. And that's when it hit me! Nerves. Big time nerves.

I stood there and realized how nervous I was. I kept telling myself that I had this. I know this song. It's mine. I had to keep talking to myself. I am a talented actor and singer. I know what I am doing. People like me. There is no reason to be this nervous. I'm Richard Van Slyke. I just need to go in there and show them.  I have this. Why am I so nervous?

I mean, I have been doing this for over 30 years. Why am I still riddled with nerves? Seriously. I've worked with vocal/acting coaches in New York and here in Los Angeles. I've taken voice lessons. I've worked professionally. I've been in dozens and dozens of shows. I've been in therapy. I've been given tricks to help me get through my nerves. But they don't go away. What is going on? Why am I still so lacking in self-confidence?

Here I am in line with much younger actors and singers probably not with half the experience that I have. They don't have their Equity cards. I do. And yet, I'm intimidated. I'm scared that I'm not as good as them. I don't belong here. Then I tell myself, these kids are here for chorus parts. You are here for one of the principal roles.  Seriously, what is wrong with me? When will I get over this?

A former acting teacher gave me a mantra to recite to myself, "I am me and that is enough."  I forget that.

Oh, and the audition...it went fine. I got through it. I sounded good. The acting was right on. I have fun with this song. I need to remember that. It's out of my hands now.

Stand Up Sondheim and Sketch. Oh My!

I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I am an actor/writer/director. Not full of confidence in my abilities and modest to a fault. Which may be why it's taken me two weeks of blogging to come right out and tell you this.

I am telling you this to share some of my life with you.  This weekend I am going to see friends in shows. This is a frequent activity for me because here in Los Angeles, (now you know where I live! Don't come after me!) There isn't a day that goes by that I don't receive emails and facebook invites to friend's shows. When I am in a show, its obviously hard for me to go see my friends's shows unless they perform on one of my off nights. In the time I took to write this paragraph, I got two email invites, (No lie!)

I still have friends in productions of Arsenic and Old Lace, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, an original musical at a small theater in Burbank, and a reading of a new musical at a theater in North Hollywood. All happening this weekend. And then I have others in rehearsals for shows that will be opening in a couple of weeks. And there are the theaters I have worked at in the past, whose shows I try to see as often as I can. I want to support them all. I really do. But obviously it's hard to do. When I'm not in a show it is easier, My schedule is lighter Here is a typical slow week:

Monday night, I took a dance class (see my November 7 blog). Tuesday night I took an acting class. Wednesday night I went to pick up my bike from the bike shop (I brought it in for a tune up). Thursday night I went to see a friend do stand up. Tonight, I rest. Tomorrow (Saturday night) I got to Long Beach to Sondheim on Sondheim at ICT starring a friend and then Sunday I go to a sketch show starring a group of people I  used to sketch with at Acme Comedy Theatre in Hollywood.  Oh! and did mention? I have a full time job. That's right. I work Monday through Friday from 8 am to 5 pm. Some weeks from 6:30am to 3:30 pm.

AND! I go to auditions during the day sometimes. Today for instance, I had a commercial audition. Last week, I had an audition for a new crime drama and on Friday I had a commercial audition. You may ask, "How do I do that when I have a full time job?" Well, let me tell you. It ain't easy, bucko!

You may remember in an earlier blog this week I touched on friends with significant others and children and me with none of those things. This may offer some insight: I'm pooped! I go to the auditions, but then I go back to my office in downtown Los Angeles and I go back to work (I started to type that I go back to sleep! That's how tired I am). I claim those auditions as my lunch hour. But this being Los Angeles and there being tons of traffic at any given moment in any given place without any rhyme or reason, I could be gone longer than an hour. What do I do in those instances? I work later or I come in earlier in anticipation of the audition that day. Today, I was lucky. I was only gone for 1 hour and 10 minutes. But there have been times when I've been gone for 2 to 3 hours!  My boss isn't too happy about those. But then sometimes, she doesn't even notice.

So tonight, I watch TV and veg..Oh! I almost forgot. I have a theater audition in Thousand Oaks Sunday afternoon so I will have to work on that some. In between working out at the gym and doing laundry, grocery shopping for the coming week and washing the car. And I should probably do some house cleaning too. Well, my weekend is gone. See you next week!

How Much "I" is "TM"?

As I sit at my computer every day pondering what to write about, I often debate how personal I want to get.  How much of my personal life or feelings do I want to share? I know many people use social media to express their feelings on any myriad of subjects. Sometimes a heated debate may ensue in the threads, people disagree, feelings are hurt, and friends are "unfriended" even blocked.

I have always made it a point to keep my social media posts free of my personal views or feelings mainly to avoid the above from happening and also because of my overwhelming need to be liked. I cannot handle people not liking me. I can't offend or disagree with people because they may not like me as a result. There. I just shared something personal about myself.

Others use social media to post pictures of their family and their travels or to share funny pictures stories etc.  Still others use it to promote their latest projects.  Many use it for all those things. But no matter what you use it for, there are those who attack. Some get sick of seeing others use social media to vent about their problems, or use it to express their political views or views on some other issue. or maybe think they others are using it to gain sympathy from friends.

I was once told by a friend that a neighbor unfriended him because he was sick of him bragging about how wonderful his life was and always rubbing it in his face. My response to him was that his "friend" was projecting his own insecurities and issues onto my friend's posts as if perhaps they were in competition as they lived in the same neighborhood and their kids played together. And there were some other similarities between the two families that I will not share here. They were probably just jealous. By no means does my friend post to brag. But there are insecure people who will see it that way. Their problem. Not yours.

I've seen people complain that those who use social media simply to promote their latest project. "I just cast in this play." "I booked a commercial." "Come see me in my show."  I'm afraid I fall into this category. To me, this is one of the things that social media is for...to promote yourself or your business. If you're an actor, writer, artist, a small business owner, entrepreneur. It's vital.  I mean postcards and and emails are practically a thing of the past. Maybe I should create a second page for my professional self.

Social media is for sharing your life. My friends with kids share pictures of their kids and major life events like weddings and holidays. My friends with businesses share info on their business events and specials. I share about my acting because, well I don't have a spouse or children and I don't have a fabulous home. I happen to perform on stage fairly often.  And if I get a part, I want to share the news with my friends. I want them to come see me (well usually! LOL). If I get cast in a commercial or a TV show it is cause for celebration in my life. And I want to share that the same I would if I was getting married or my kid rode his bike for the first time or said his first word.

But then sometimes I wonder, is my life empty? I have no spouse, no children, no house. Am I less of a person because I don't have any of these things?  No. It's just what I have right now. It's where I am. I don't have to be where you are in your life. I chose a different path and that's okay. I think. Is it? What do you think? :) There I shared. I'm insecure. Go figure.

I've Run Out Of Ideas! Wait! I Thought of Something!

I don't know what to write about. I'm tapped out. What do I write about? I can't think of anything. So now here I am writing about nothing. I had a couple of great ideas when I was in my car a couple hours ago. And now that I'm sitting at the computer, I can't remember what they were.

So I sit here...staring at the screen. Nothing. What do you do when you're stuck? Share with me. I need help!

(Some time has passed) I'm still stuck.  What could I write about? My career? Do you want to hear about that? Do you care?  My inner most fears? Or is that too personal?  I mean we're still new at this. I don't know that I know you well enough to share that yet. My dreams and aspirations? Maybe. Are you interested in that? My political views? No! I don't want to go there online.

Tomorrow at work, I'll probably come up with a great idea but I'll be too busy to write. And by the time I get home, I'll have forgotten. Well, Richard you say, why don't you jot your ideas down on a piece of paper or a sticky. DUH!  OK, yes you are correct there. And I do do that. If I think of it. If I don't get interrupted, etc.

Oh! I know! One of my ideas just came back!

Last week I mentioned my love/obsession with television. And I made it seem as thought I ONLY love old school TV. And that's not true. My latest TV addiction is HGTV. On the weekends, it is on non-stop! I love Love it or List It, House Hunters, Property Brothers, Fixer Upper, Flip or Flop, Property Virgins. So much! Love them! Although they are all pretty much variations on the same thing now. There used to shows that were slightly different, like Income Property, Curb Appeal, Design Star. But still. I love them all. And I feel now that I can do almost anything on my own because I've watched so much HGTV.  I used to DIY too. But I downgraded my cable package when the prices went up. But I liked their shows too, especially the Yard Crashers, Kitchen Crashers and Bathroom Crashers shows.

I think I could install my own drywall, sinks, tubs, toilets. I can do all on my own because I've watched so much. And I have very good taste if I do say so myself. I used to want to be an interior designer so there you go. I'm for hire. Give me a call.

And I do, in fact, love Netflix and Amazon Prime. You see? I am not that old fashioned. I enjoy Orange is the New Black and House of Cards and Transparent. But I have to say, I am tired of all the dysfunctional families on TV now. Why must they all be so dysfunctional? I love Transparent because of Jeffrey Tambor's performance. He is amazing. But the three kids? OMG! So f'ing needy, whiny and messed up.  And that's just one example. It seems to be a trend on cable and streaming TV shows. Just thought of another Grace and Frankie on Netflix. Same thing. The very grown children are all messed up. And I don't like them. I REALLY don't like the grown children on Transparent. Ick!

Where are the Huxtables of The Cosby Show? The Seavers of Growing Pains, The Keatons of Family Ties? I think I feel a MeTV fix coming on.  Yes. Change the channel, out on MeTV. Ah! Yes! Happy Days. The Cunninghams. OK. Got to go. Talk to you later.

What do you do for your writer's block. Leave me your comments. Also let me know what topics you want me to cover.

I'm Getting Older and Fighting It Every Step of the Way

I take a cardio dance class on Monday nights. I've been in there for over a year now and I love it. It's called Broadway Bodies and is taught by a former Broadway dancer full of so much energy. The gimmick is that we warm to Broadway show tunes and each week he chooses a song from a Broadway or movie musical and we do choreography to it.

I've been pretty proud of myself for keeping up. I am usually still able to jump, kick etc. The kicks may not be as high as they once were, but they are still there. And I think to myself, not bad for a 50-something. But lately, its been getting a little tougher. Tonight, for instance, I had some trouble. Two weeks ago I was feeling pretty cocky, "Look at me! I'm 54 and you'd never know it. Ha!"  And then I got out of bed the next morning and my left knee was out of whack. It was kind of whacky all day and periodically for a couple days it would suddenly just give out on me.

Tonight, I was just feeling a little out of it. My kicks, not so high. My jumping, ehhh not so much jumping in place happening tonight. Am I getting too old? No! Damn it! No! I refuse to give in. Maybe it was just the time change over the weekend. Yes, that must be it.

I'm still a kid. I am not old. So what if I'm having neck problems. And I'm in physical therapy. The pain is constant. I'm pretty stiff. Have to turn my whole up body around to see side to side. It sucks.

Last month, I went to Scandanavia for 10 days. My feet hurt from all the walking around. And I tired out quite a bit. Had to stop and rest periodically. My mother does that. She's 77 and has bad knees. She can't stay on her feet for long. I'm not 77 and I've never had issues with my knees. I exercise. I lift weights and ride my bike and run on the treadmill and dance to Broadway show tunes. So why am I out of breath when I climb Bunker Hill every morning from the Pershing Square Red Line Station to my office on the top of the hill? Some days, really winded. That never used to be a problem.

I'm still a kid. I play games and I watch cartoons and I ride a bike. I'm not married. I haven't had kids. I'm too young for this!  Let me tell you something, when the time comes and my health starts to go, I am fighting it every step of the way. I will not give up. I am not going down without a fight.

I'll show up at Broadway Bodies in wheelchair if I have to!

To Blog or No To Blog - Why Am I Blogging?

So why am I doing this? I mean why not blog? After all this is 2015, not 2006.  A good question. Let me give you a good answer...I don't know. Why not?

Why am I doing this? Honestly, its an outlet. And its to keep the creative juices flowing. You see I have written in the past and I have many ideas for projects, web series, short films, sketches, videos, plays. But I can't seem to write them. You see I get these ideas and I jot some notes down. I might even sit at the computer and start writing. But then I get stuck. I don't know where I am going. I run out of ideas. So I stop.

So for me this is a way to keep writing every day. Some of you may have heard of The Artist's Way and morning pages. I used to morning pages years ago. I haven't in a long time. This is my morning pages in a way. I'm not doing them first thing in the morning, but I am writing every day. I'm exercising that muscle and hopefully freeing the ideas to come to me. At least I hope that's what is happening. Maybe I'm just opening the flow of diarrhea from my brain. (I know. Eww!)

So this is an exercise and an outlet. A way to express myself. And also to see if my thoughts and ideas mean anything to anyone else. You see, (full disclosure), I am an actor and as you may have heard, we're a needy bunch. We need constant reassurance that you like what we are doing. Look up neurotic in the dictionary and you'll see one of the definitions is an actor.

I am seriously flawed in this department. I need constant positive feedback. When I don't get it, I my self-worth sinks. I have no confidence in my abilities or talents. Remember Sally Field when she won her second Oscar? "You like me! You really like me!" Yup! That's pretty much it.

Now by nature, I am not a needy person. I am pretty self-sufficient and independent. But when it comes to my work, acting, writing, directing, I need to know. It was especially bad in college. I was often in the head of there theater department's office crying about something, begging for validation. I  had to prove myself to everyone. They needed to validate my talent as an actor. Oy vey!

Today, not so bad. I may not say anything. But believe me the insecurity is still there, deep down inside, festering, just waiting for someone to come along and pay me a compliment and then just like magic, it's gone. Poof! Like magic.

It's really hard when I have to be myself in front of an audience. I have a cabaret act that I've done a few times. Toughest thing I ever did. Because it's me. It's all me. I share so many of my private thoughts and feelings. Will the audience like me? Will they find me as funny as I want them to? Will they feel where I want them to? Will they accept me for just being me and sharing my life? There's no character to hide behind. Just me. Fortunately, it worked. But oh the anxiety. The nerves.

I've written that and I wrote sketch for a few years at Acme Comedy Theatre. Sometimes it took much to write. I wouldn't get an idea until the last minute.  So much pressure. Are my ideas any good? Will they think its funny?

I wrote a web series a couple of years ago. I was so unsure I could do it alone, I asked a friend from Acme, Kate Danley, to help me bring my idea to life. I wasn't sure if she would think it was a good idea. But she did like it. And she helped write and produce the first season. And let me tell you I couldn't have a had a better partner. She has since gone on to be a prolific novelist. Great books. You can find them here:

http://www.katedanley.com/books.html

And our series, The Playhouse did quite well too. In fact, I did a second season all on my own since Kate's writing career actually took off at that point.  Here is a link to The Playhouse:

The Playhouse Soap Opera A Web Series

I have a play I've written. I wrote it about 10 years ago. I've shown to a couple of people, who liked it. But I haven't done anything with it. I think its time to have a reading. I have short film that I think is great idea, but I have never shared with anyone. I think its time. I've also written a few episodes of a web series with a class mate. We really should get around to filming that. What do you think? Do approve?