Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I get depressed. No, really depressed. I feel like I'm all alone. There is no one here for me. I feel like my life has no meaning, no purpose. I'm just drifting through life. No place to go. Nothing to do.

I do like my alone time and at my age I've grown used to it. But sometimes, it gets to me. When I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. When I stop and think that no one has called me in ages. When I think about the future. When I think about my day job that I absolutely hate but I have no idea what I would do if I were to quit.  And sometimes it all adds up and gets me super depressed.
And the the lack of auditions also causes me to lose confidence in my abilities as an actor. My friends on facebook are impressed with how much I do, but in my mind it's not enough. Its never enough. I'm a failure.  I'm always acting in something. Well, yes, but its not Broadway. Its not a part on a big network TV show. I'm not making a living at this.

Then I start thinking I'm not that good at this. I'll take a class for instance and there are other people in the class better than me. So clearly I'm not the best and therefore I am not loved nor liked. I'm a hack, an amateur. I'm untalented. The other actors don't have respect for or admire me.

There were times when I was younger, I would be surprised that fellow cast mates or classmates would praise me and love and laugh at everything I did. I felt like I wasn't even trying.  I didn't earn it. I couldn't understand why they liked me so much.

Is it because I'm older now? I'm not young and so I'm not cool. (BTW: I was never cool!) Maybe because I'm older, younger cast mates, etc think I'm unapproachable or I'm older and therefore secure and confident and don't need to be praised. Or why hang out with me? I'm too old. Believe me, it's not true. I'm just as insecure and lacking in self-confidence as I have ever been.

I'm thinking about not only quitting my job, but getting out of pursuing acting as a career. I'm also thinking I don't want to be in Los Angeles anymore. I don't think I like it here. The weather is nice. It's better then the Northeast, where I'm from. But where would I go? I miss NYC sometimes, but what would I do if I moved back there? And my hometown area, Albany, NY? Not crazy about the winters. And again, what would I do?

Maybe if there were someone in my life to share my life with, I would feel better about myself. Or even the feeling of a real sense of family among a group of friends. But I have none of that.

My therapist says it's good to share or to disclose your feelings so that is what I am doing here. Will this surprise some of you who know me? Perhaps. I do tend to not let on. I think you would be surprised how often and how deep this goes.  Full Disclosure: it's been really bad at times. Really bad. Not right now, but in the past.

I need a change. That's for certain. And perhaps being in class will strengthen my confidence. But right now, I'm not in a good place. This too shall pass. It always does. As soon as I book another acting gig it will probably pass. :)