Am I Too Nice?

I spoke in a previous blog about online dating. Two weeks have passed and I have a progress report. And that is...there is nothing to report.  All three of the potential suitors have virtually dropped off the map. Or as the kids today say, Radio Silence.

Man #1 - Long Beach told me that he was very busy until some time next month. But yes he very much wants to meet me and hopefully we can make that happen next month. I did text him this past weekend and he responded very nicely. He was in Omaha visiting friends for the weekend.

Man #2 - Palmdale man. Nothing. Haven;t heard a word from him in a couple of weeks. My last text was not answered.  Could never get an answer from him whenever I directly asked him about meeting up. No. Wait. I take that  back. He responded once by saying When the rain stopped. Seriously? Rain prevents you from going out and meeting someone you like? Whatever.

Man # 3 - The 30 year-old I had two dates with. He eventually responded to my text asking how things were. He had to move out of his brother's apartment on a few days notice. He let me know that everything was fine and he was staying on a friend's couch and took a second job working at a Subway a couple nights a week to make some more money to afford a place of his own.  I asked if he thought we might be able to see each other again sometime soon and got no response back. About 5 days later, I asked again and I have not heard back since.

So that's where things stand. Nowhere. I've sent emails to a couple more men on Match, but I've received no responses. I've been passive -aggressive and merely winked at some, rather than send an email message. Thus, leaving it on them to contact me if they like my profile.

I've emailed some others. I'm always nice or polite, trying my best not to offend or seem needy/desperate. I don't wasn't to be appear rude or pushy either. Sometimes I might merely say, "Hello. How are you ? I like your profile. I'd love to hear from you if you are interested." Or I might say I'd like learn more about you. Or I might tell them I find them handsome or attractive. Or I try to use some humor or refer to somethings in their profile that we might have in common.

Should I be more of a flirt? Should I be more aggressive? Like, "Hey stud! You're hot. Let's do it!" I mean seriously. What's the balance? What do I have to do to get someone interested in me? I've tried everything.  Thoughtful. Nice. Polite. Respectful. Charming. Funny. Common interests. Fessing up to my shyness. Honesty. And here I am after years and years of trying to play the game. Nothing works. Absolutely nothing.

There was a time. Not so long ago. That if I didn't hear back from someone. No returned phone call, (this was in the days before Internet), I would not try to reach out again. These days I will at least try once after not hearing back from someone. I don't want to seem like I'm not trying. That's assuming that the other party wants me to try or fight for them. What IS it they want? Can someone please tell me?

There are a couple of men I've met and gone on a couple dates with over the past couple years who have said that they like me but just want to be friends. Yet they went on dates with me that were clearly dates and in one case he was really into me. But suddenly wasn't anymore. And I've thought about contacting him in particular and asking why. What changed? What did I do that changed his mind about me? But I don't. Even though it's really eating away at me. He did say he wanted to still hang out and be friends. But as time passes, I think too much time has passed and it would be odd for me to contact him out of the blue. Maybe its not a good idea. But I want to know. I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

Maybe I'm too nice. I'm too concerned with what HE wants and not the least bit concerned with what I want.  I don't want to offend. Does that make me appear milquetoast? Uninteresting?  Sometimes that old horrible voice inside my head comes back and tells me its because I'm not attractive and not a very interesting person.  I mean that has to be it, right? That's the only logical explanation. It has to be me.  It couldn't possibly be them. Could it?

Dating in the Digital Age

Dating. Yes. I do it. Well, I try to anyway. I do it online mostly. I go through periods of not doing it. But then I go online again and re-activate those accounts just to see what will happen, Lately, I've been lucky. Or so I think.

I have a profile on OKCupid. It's free. You can interact without paying for it. But for some features, you do have to pay. I'm also on Match.com. I've been on Match off and on for years now. In fact, I originally created a profile back when it was called Love@AOL. That's right. Match used to be called Love@AOL. Way back when AOL was a thing.

A couple months ago I re-activated my dormant account. In the last few weeks, I've actually had a few interests. All within the SoCal area, which is a good thing. But two of them were a bit of a distance. Still, not so bad considering how many I've heard from in other parts of the country. One is in Long Beach, about 35 miles from me. I don't mind that. I've done shows in Long Beach. No biggie. Another in Palmdale, a lot further than 35 miles from me. When I asked him, he said it was only a 40 minute drive to Burbank airport so I thought that's great. I guess its not such a big deal to drive that distance.  I've suggested several times that we meet. The last time I suggested a meet , he said after it stops raining? This has been going on for three weeks. It has yet to happen. I'll still hear from him after a few days and hear how handsome I am, blah blah blah. But no movement on his part yet. I directly ask "when can we meet?" Nothing.

Long Beach man is also very nice and texts me every couple of days.  He falls asleep every night around 8. He works long hours. Weeknights are out as a result. By the time I got to him or vice versa, he'd be asleep. So I've tried on the weekends. He watches college basketball at the local pub with his friends. He goes into work. It's always something.

Both of these men are over 40. They're not kids. Why can't they commit? To a first date? What is it? They still seem interested. What is it? Its been three weeks for both of them. I guess I should be done.

Candidate Number 3 came along about 10 days ago. Sweet, handsome, 30. Yes, 30. He met me after one day of chatting. We met for coffee at 12 noon and sat there for over 4 hours. We held hands. We kissed...a little. Not much. It was sweet. He had to go to a family birthday dinner. He texted me an hour later.  He texted me the next day to see how I was. And again the following day after I told him I had a headache the day before. (In fact I was prepping for a colonoscopy the next morning but didn't want to share that info with him just yet).

We had dinner a couple nights later. Again, a nice night. He told me he had found out he had six days to move out of his brother's place. So he had to go home and start packing and look for a place. He suggested dinner  a bottle of wine and a movie at my place the next night. His idea.  I texted him the next day to see if we were still on. No response. I texted two hours later that I hope everything is okay. No response. Its been two days. Nothing. 30 year olds!

I don't know which is worse. The older ones or the younger ones. Or it just me? Am I that vulnerable, that gullible? I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt. But I guess at this point, its time to cut my losses and move on.

There have been others who I have met in person. Ones that I've been smitten with. But its usually one of two things. They want the sex right away. Or they like me but don't want anything more than that. Twice I've gotten this line, "I'm trying to work on myself right now so I'm not ready to date just yet." Which, of course, gives me false hope. Thats right. I accept that they want to be friends. But when they say their not ready to date just now, I take that a face value and think to myself, "Soooo, there's hope!"

There's no hope. It's like Charlie Brown and that football.  He knows that Lucy won't let him kick it, and yet there he is every year, going for that ball.

That's me with the online dating. No matter how many times I fail, I'm back for more. So come and come and get me. I dare ya!