Am I claustrophobic? Who knew?

So I went in for an MRI yesterday. Nothing serious. Just been having some neck pain for several months. Been in physical therapy for a few months and while the mobility in my neck has improved, I still experience chronic pain. So checking out.

I had an MRI about 10-11 years ago and I do remember at that time that I panicked a bit when they first put me in the machine. I asked to be taken out. I breathed, mentally prepared myself and went back in and managed to get through it.  Now, I thought I remembered having one years before when I was in my 20s and going through testicular cancer. But I don't remember having issues at all. Maybe it was different. I don't know.

Is it possible I've developed claustrophobia as I've gotten older? I swear I don't remember ever having issues with being in confined spaces. But then again, maybe I've never been in one before. At least not one this small.

Anyway, this time at least I was prepared. I knew it was small but I also knew that I had been through this before I came out just fine. So, I arrive, I check in, I go back to the imaging room. The technician hands me a pair of ear plugs. Not sure why, but there they are. He asks more than once about me being okay with the machine and all and I respond that I am fine. I lie down on the machine put in the earplugs. My neck is locked in a brace. I'm still fine. Again, he explains that some people get panicky and they move around so its important not to move around. I explain that I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm exhausted so I'm hoping to doze off.  He hands me the buzzer that I can use in case I need it because he won't be able to hear me when I speak.

In I go. I'm in. It's a tight space. OK. I'm fine. I can see. I'm just going to close my eyes. If my eyes are closed, I won't know the difference of my surroundings. I open them up again. I look up. I look to the sides. I look above me to see if I can see the opening of the tube above my head. Nope. I'm fully enclose. Not even a crack. No little window. Why do I have to be so close to the top of this thing? Can't they put in a little breathing room? I close my eyes again and tell myself to start thinking about something else. I should run the lines of my audition later today.

Nope. Not working. I can totally tell I'm enclosed in something. I open my eyes. I look around. My chest is starting to tighten. I'm getting a feeling like no matter what I cannot relax. I will not doze off. I am uncomfortable. I'm trapped. There is no way out of this thing. What happens if I really need to get out and I can't? This doesn't feel right.

Then the technician says, I'm ready to start now. What?! You haven't started yet. What have you been doing for the last two minutes. You said I'd only be in here for 10-12 minutes and its already been ac couple and you haven't even started yet!? No. Wait! Excuse me ,young man. Hello? I think I need to come out of here please.

He lets me out. I sit up. I breathe. I apologize.  I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed. I thought I could do this but its harder than it looks. I'm sorry. He assures me its no big deal. It happens all the time. I understand but I don't do this. I don't even know where this is coming from. I should be able to do this. He explains that we can reschedule and I can come back and they will date me first. Many people do. OK. That sounds good. Maybe I'll do that. Again, I'm sorry. No need to apologize sir, its very common.

So now I have to go back in another week. And this time I'm being drugged. Believe me, this also does not thrill me.

Maybe I'll just live with the pain.

I'm Getting Older and Fighting It Every Step of the Way

I take a cardio dance class on Monday nights. I've been in there for over a year now and I love it. It's called Broadway Bodies and is taught by a former Broadway dancer full of so much energy. The gimmick is that we warm to Broadway show tunes and each week he chooses a song from a Broadway or movie musical and we do choreography to it.

I've been pretty proud of myself for keeping up. I am usually still able to jump, kick etc. The kicks may not be as high as they once were, but they are still there. And I think to myself, not bad for a 50-something. But lately, its been getting a little tougher. Tonight, for instance, I had some trouble. Two weeks ago I was feeling pretty cocky, "Look at me! I'm 54 and you'd never know it. Ha!"  And then I got out of bed the next morning and my left knee was out of whack. It was kind of whacky all day and periodically for a couple days it would suddenly just give out on me.

Tonight, I was just feeling a little out of it. My kicks, not so high. My jumping, ehhh not so much jumping in place happening tonight. Am I getting too old? No! Damn it! No! I refuse to give in. Maybe it was just the time change over the weekend. Yes, that must be it.

I'm still a kid. I am not old. So what if I'm having neck problems. And I'm in physical therapy. The pain is constant. I'm pretty stiff. Have to turn my whole up body around to see side to side. It sucks.

Last month, I went to Scandanavia for 10 days. My feet hurt from all the walking around. And I tired out quite a bit. Had to stop and rest periodically. My mother does that. She's 77 and has bad knees. She can't stay on her feet for long. I'm not 77 and I've never had issues with my knees. I exercise. I lift weights and ride my bike and run on the treadmill and dance to Broadway show tunes. So why am I out of breath when I climb Bunker Hill every morning from the Pershing Square Red Line Station to my office on the top of the hill? Some days, really winded. That never used to be a problem.

I'm still a kid. I play games and I watch cartoons and I ride a bike. I'm not married. I haven't had kids. I'm too young for this!  Let me tell you something, when the time comes and my health starts to go, I am fighting it every step of the way. I will not give up. I am not going down without a fight.

I'll show up at Broadway Bodies in wheelchair if I have to!